Tomcat

 He's just a Tom cat he's spreading his claws

He's a Tom cat, he's going outdoors

he's trying his luck

he's pushing the flap

nobody told him 

curiosity killed the cat

But perhaps if I didn't judge him so harshly

And throw him out of my flat

I wouldn't be singing a song about him

That wandering Tom cat

I don't know what it is he's wanting

He seems impatient for all of that

I gave him food, he had warmth and coddling

But he's just a restless Tom cat

Open mic nights

 He's your friend

He's my friend

Is he anyone's?

Where does it all end

Don't ask me

I'm only the MC

I'm just behind the scenes

I'm on the beams

I'm the DJ

I don't exist when the music stops

Well none of us do

It's a hard world gone soft

It's the bright lights with the colours toned down

It's I would rather be born

To someone wearing brown

Because the colour of life is in the human interaction

Whether that's a voice singing

Or a glance, an eyebrow raised,

 a leg shifted

The turn of phrase 

It's not in the music

But that is the sauce

Because we all just taste life better

When were in the main course

I don't mean don't pay the piper

I don't mean abandon the band

But the point of going to a music night

Is the whole darn caravan

So don't drown out the conversation

 with too much loud noise

I mean let us enjoy our own company

Not only the sound waves, boys

Keep us together

 Oh try and keep us together

We can't do this on our own

Oh and why can't you try and keep us together

we can't do this on our own

In the night there is a flower

And it blooms inside our room

Oh and in the cold night's hour

I can almost reach the moon

So now why can't you try and keep us together

We can't do this on our own

Anyway you look

It is in the radio's power

To hold you on its hook

Anyway you want

It is in mouth of the Gower

The river's strongest current

And anyhow you mean

I'm looking to a higher power

To give me the courage to lean

back and let it go

So can't you keep us together

We've no way to know

Joke 123

 Austentatious-Appearing like Jane Austen

Catalytic converters or Catholic converters

What do you cook beetroot in? 

Beethoven

Who is the most indestructible British politician?

In Vince Cable in it

Ball park games

 You can't change a heart that's fixed

on being hard

You can't send back to the start

Something that's gone wrong 

so many yards

I threw the ball you caught it

Why we were in the same

ball park

So why did you sell your 

season ticket

To the nearest loan shark

You know you'll want it back

But now with interest

Can't you see you gave up your seat

For the match of the century

I've tried to reason with you

I've eaten the bitter seed

I've tasted what life feels like

Without that kind of need

But there is a feeling inside

That is more than simply greed 

I'm standing in the yard

Rain is falling on my song

I can't remake this art

Into something so strong

Wax on, wax off

 The ear wax consultant fell in love

With a rubber glove

They met in the Ear canal

Upon An aural gondola floating the ear drum

beat loud with her hearts rhythm

thurum, thurum

Until she did succumb

To the wax monster

The slug

 of

Candle plug

She lit the wick

To his dick

And blew it all apart

In a discharge

I was taken off the patient list

I'd overstepped the mark

Ejaculation according to suction

The hum of the speculum

The line was drawn in the sand

But from space it looked like a giant ear

Perhaps the Mayans had ear wax removal too

And knew it to be a

transcendental experience

Help you

 How, how can I help you?

How can I help, he ha ha he help you?

How, ow aw ho, ha how can I

How can I help you?

Being an alcoholic

 Being an alcoholic

You can park right in the space

And wait to go into the meeting

With a smile upon your face

Yes, come join the alcoholics

Oh we're such a happy crew

Everybody in the same boat

It was sinking but who knew?

Being an alcoholic

It's a wonderful thing to be

When you realize what you're missing

Is a life of catastrophe

Yes I say come along to a meeting

Come along today

There's nothing better than sharing

What you'd never say publicly

Just mind when you park your car

All the others have scratches and dents

From all the times the drunken drivers

Have driven their cars into a fence

Don't worry cos most are walking

And some they ride a bike

Because the last time they drove

Off their face the cops knew their like

It's not always so bucolic

Sometimes melancolic

At time maniacal frolics

But I try and keep it on the level

Ready with a bevel

And a cup of tea

But that's what being an alcoholic

Feels like to me

Art wank

 I went to the louvre

And I wanked over the Mona Lisa

I saw Van Gogh's Sunflowers

And whacked off all over them

I Jacked off over a Jackson Pollock

And it made no difference I could see

I masturbated over Matisse's blue nude

And even Monet's water lilies

And then they banned me

What reason did they have?

I was only showing my love for the Arts

Self-expression, that's art, that's all I was doing

You can't ever please some people

The vice of the president

 The vice of the president is something to see

He takes a look in the mirror, it's his own vanity

And the lice that are resident inside his blond hair

Show how inherent the vice is that lives inside of there

Yes he has a life sized wig

It's hard to tell if it's a skunk or pig

But we know that it stinks of Mr Big

Who has the vice of a president, in a life size wig

You've put your sting on me

 You put the hymn in Hymen

You put the verge in virgin

You made the surge in Surgeon

You put the Gin in gynaecology

And you've put your sting on me

Oh don't be a barb Barbara

Don't be a was or a has been

Be a wasp not a one hit bee

Take away your leper miss lepidoptera

You know you better hop it to the opera

Because I don't wanna make a drama of things

But if I'm not at your wedding 

I'll be waiting in the wings

Because you've put your sting on me

Kiss me Melissa kiss me

Your sweet honey lips will miss me

Oh go and buzz your selfish tune

all around the strawberry moon

You might be my Queen, but I'm sick of droning on

Being busy all day working, to me just feels wrong

So stop your dancing and start your twerking

because you've put your sting on me

A stranger is an exotic animal

A stranger is an exotic animal

He is not always what he seems

Mysterious from every angle

But look how the moonlight beams

And shines up his face now what an angel

Could a devil he be?

I mean no harm 

he says to me

But really his intentions are

Hard to be see

A stranger is an exotic animal

Tempting yet dangerously

I hold the two in tension

as they battle within me

A Liverpool Lass

 She's was a Liverpool lass

She turned off the gas

Got out of the house

And came down south

To getaway from it all

Getaway from the Mouth of the Mersey

On the ship of education she sailed

And the black sailor paled

She was one of these chips

On the shoulder

That floated

And failed and floated back up again

Into a better life where the little city droids

Buzzed around the town

Her boys were there living better than her fare

She was ambitious

From the lanes of poverty

To her rich uncle Tom Cobely and all

Inherited some money

Tasted the honey

And controlled her aches and pains

With the common strain of marijuana

Forgetting all the human stains

That wash away from her brain

When it rains

Manna from Heaven

Marijuana from Devon

To live amongst 

the unleavened lawns of Shepton

The blue whale blues

 I'm a wailing whale, I've got the blues

They keep coming up throwing their harpoons

They want to strip me of my blubber

Put my oil in a lamp and use my skin as rubber

Oh I'm a wailing whale I've got the blues

I'm a singing blue whale, I'm the blues whale

I've got no Sperm left in the dogger banks

I've got money to burn but no woman to thank

I've got the burning blue whale blues

Oh man I've got sharks all around 

They're taking chunks out of me

I try and shoe them away

But there's too many in the sea

Everywhere I look no safe passage can be found

I've got to move my pod to some sacred ground

But now I'm wailing

Oh a waily whaley

I've got the wailing whaling blues

I'm a blues whale as blues as can be

You should have opened a shoes shop

To see the blue suede sea

Velvet as an underground

Hear the sirens wailing at me

A wailey, whaley whaling blues

I've got the blue whale blues

I'm as big as a bus

And my name is gus

People climb on my back

But they don't get off

I've got the blues, the blue whale blues

Lost in music

 It was all just a little bit too good to be true

All you ever wanted was a bit of attention

The hawkers were out there

Selling tickets to the show

And you needed someone to hold your hand

I saw two horses dancing in the field

And the white horses roll on the ocean

And I don't know which I would rather be

Coming in land with a thousand others

Or just stuck with one single lover

No one is truly free, why would you want to be

Freedom means unbearable loneliness

And  that is no fun

But it is that versus responsibility of family

And duty and honour of marital service

Do what your body is designed for

There's an intellectual struggle for the woman in society

What does it mean to go against nature, God's will

It means the destruction of the world

Recycling Eve

After the book club

I went to the pub

But alone there's the rub

Compared to the bookish affair

It was like a lonely men appreciation society

There were men whose wives were on holiday

Men who'd been single most of their lives

Men with families who go there to mingle

Men who go there just to feel alive

And me why did I go to the open mic night?

Just to listen to the music and enjoy a pint

I had a pizza as well and it was a good evening

Not every night can be the night of your life

And I sort of went because I was talking to you

And you left to go home and I took my cue

Maybe a woman needs a home and a family

maybe a man does too, there's the tragedy

because they've got to be in love or have respect

for each other, I don't have anything else to report

the pub is place to share a table with a friend

When you find men and women cannot truly do that

That they really see each other as sport

Then I'd rather get lost in the music of men

Who are missing their loved ones

Than have be with the one who has torn my world apart

After I offered her sympathy and an already damaged heart

To have it thrown out like the garbage into the dustcart

I remember it's recycling day today

And I haven't put mine out yet 

Over and over

 Sperm in Alium

Know my onions

In the union partnered

Hares on the back of my neck

Leverets on my shoulder

Dogs at my behind

And hounds rolling over

Where can I find

Some peace of mind

While I grow older?

It should be easier

Than being a soldier

But nothing seems to come

Down the river but boulders

Tumbling trying to crush me

And I have to be Atlas

To lift the weight of the world

It's not all bad, it's just the heart

If not for the love of a girl

But That is just foolish art