Seagull versus Egret

Egret: 

I have no regrets

Be like me I'm free and light

Like a feather from the flight

I have no regrets, Je n'Egret rien

For I'm the Egret, the Egret I am

Light of foot

High stepping wader

Small compact, a pint-sized invader,

Stout as Guinness, white as lightning

Drink me down river fish frightening

But don't you cuckoo spit me out

Or curdle me like cheese about

For now I'm in cider

Once I was an outsider

But now here's me level's home

I have nothing more to say Seagull crone

But if you don't like me leave me alone

Seagull:

Here I am the old salty dog

Hopscotching across a grassy bog

Just a field, where the cows graze

I'm on a rubbish tip holiday, hoorah

Now you might not think I belong in your field

But a bird like me has got make a meal

Take your worms or fish where you can get 'em I say

Never mind your fancy prancing pins

I'm down here in my flappers looking for fins

And if you don't like how I've waded in

Well just you keep your beak shut Egret thin

Egret:

Go push your boat out to sea

Why come inland and bother me?

Have you lost your sea legs?

Or are you a landlubber now?

I'll give you a hand you fat blubber cow

If you get any bigger seagull I'd stand on your rump

And peck your hide pa rum pa pump pump!

Seagull:

Now who are you calling fat?

Ok I've put on a few stone, but my stomach's flat

So what if I like Kentucky fried chicken

 in the seaside town it's slim pickins

And inland there's more tasty things than fish

To wrap my lips around out of bins of rubbish

Oh I do love fast food, cos' I ain't slow like you

You just stand there for hours waiting for a minnow

I'd get bored of being like a statue I prefer to hustle

Push your way in if you want to get ahead use your muscle

You're always gently treading avoiding causing offense

Why don't you get off your high horse pick a side of the fence

Egret:

I'm the greatest fisherman that's ever been around

If you wanna know who's the King fisher, I wear the crown

I'm lighter than a Heron, he's like an accordion that flies

My beak's long and sleek, like lightning from the skies

I'm the featherweight boxer, dancing like Cassius Clay

You wanna see me shadow box then get in the ring, let's play

Seagull

Oh well you don't think a Seagull packs a punch?

Well, I'm gonna chop and dice you, eat you for my lunch

I like a nice bit of sushi, and your Egret feng shui 

Don't impress me much, you can just dance, well phooi

It ain't no song and dance, I can do the seagull sailor's jig

I'll dance all up the town, along the roofs and over oil rig

So while you tip toe, I'll be on show for all the world to see

I'm the main man, the Seagull heavyweight boxing free

You stick to your river banks, and sedate country streams

I'm more used to fighting crows, rough seas are my dreams

Magpie versus Jay

Jay

I'm a colourful crow

I'm in the know

I'm tuned in to the wind

I'll go where it goes

You're out of range Magpie

You're Dr Strange

Your signal is on the blink

When I see you it's just static

Fuzz, white noise,

 Black night, no joys

Magpie

I'm a dancing devil

You better know my name

piebald, no I'm lucky that's my fame

I'm full of joy, boy, I'm on top of the world, girl

What if I steal a little, I only borrow

That never brought so much sorrow

I've hammered my tree house up top

While you bury your Oak nuts in an antique shop

You think you're a clever fella?

Well you've been storing your acorns

In the wrong lawns, gives you false dawns

You're nothing but a squirrel with wings

And the way you scream it makes my ears ring

You like to mock, well the laughs on you

Copycat, 

can't you come up with anything

More original than that?

You've got nuts on the brain

You must be a forester

Planting oak trees everywhere

You dig a hole and drop an acorn in

Then you can't remember where you've been

Spend the rest of the spring on the hunt for the thing

You could have just caught your meal instead of squirreling

 

Jay

Yo Magpie, you turn the day into night

Little black and white kite

Sailing against the wind

Bad Omen, makes a Sad Roman

Probably caused the fall of Rome

Blame you for all and a broken home

Flitter like the litter

Outta my sight

I ain't saluting nothing

You're like a puffin

Mouth full of silver

Always thievin

Can't trust nothing you say

You see a flash and you're away

Trying poach a gold chain

Why don't you try earning a living

Like me, I'm an honest bird

Earn an honest day's pay

Haven't you heard? Jay's a grafter

You're a grifter and a shifter

I only have to look at you

And I fall around in laughter

Magpie

You a grafter? That fills me with laughter

Especially after, I hear you chatter away

You never shut up, chump

You're in the bushes with your pals

Shooting the breeze chatting up gals

It's Jay, they say, he's not a serious bird

You lack my gravitas, you're just

a gimmick, cheap as chips, you chirp

and chat, you're like the chaff

And I'm like the grain

You'll be gone with the wind

Washed down the drain

You're only good for mopping up spills

Jay cloth, with your silly big bills

 

Jay

Well hey there sausage you can be my pork pie

You've come to the right meat shop

I'm the butcher with his carving knives up

Whats up? You've seen something you don't like huh?

I can cut you into rashers like a pork chop

Fry you in the pan like bacon

I aint makin some kind a joke

You  gonna be smokin

Like a pig in a poke

Chokin' on your words

You silver tongue bird

Forked tongued more like, double crossing

Snake in the grass, go collect your bus pass

You're old news, I'm the new bird on the block

And it's a chopping block, I'm sharpening my knives

Magpie

Hey Jay, keep your greedy beak shut

I've got the upperhand

I'm like Big Ben, gonna give you

The golden gong

Pound your head with my song

Don't you know you better doff your cap to me

I'm the devil in disguise

You're caught between me and the deep blue sea

I'm the hard place you can't get through

You're running into hell and I'm selling you shoes

I've got your soul in my pocket too

You've been Jay-walking and I'm gonna sock it to you

I've got the policeman's punch, I'm in the black and white bunch

I'm the boys in blue and I'm coming for you

Woo, woo, calling the police

Jay

I'm the Jay dog, it doesn't take a road hog

You'll be road kill, just a meal on the bill

Come to my party, we'll be dining on you

You're gonna pay the Jay, with your pound of flesh

Magpie I'm gonna slice you up, like a pie chart fresh

 Meat is the thing on the bone or tip of the wing

You can tip me too, I'll be waiting on you

So come dine in my restaurant Magpie stew's on the menu

Egret versus Swan

 Egret:

What you want to beat your wings for you lapping labrador

You lolloping lady of lake

Gliding graceful like a rake

Sucking up all the algae

Filtering through leaf

Sifting spattering beak

Gurgling and gargling

Like a kid at MacDonald's

Really beggars belief

And you call yourself a classy bird?

The King's own bird indeed

Well I think you need a reality check

This rhein ain't your own private beach

Get on over to the other ditch

You go and swan it up with the rich

This here patch is Egret land

You slippery bacon flitch

Swan:

Well, never in my life have I heard

Such words issue from the mouth of a thief

You come over here from Africa

And think you can steal my reef

Immigration indeed, I say

Well white is right, but then I say

I'd rather have a cormorant anyday

Than this bull ass biting beast

Go and huddle with the cattle

Go on an peck up their fleas

These banks are ours I say

This ain't the Mediterranean sea

You could have landed anywhere but

You chose the Wetlands of Shapwick Heath!

Egret:

Listen here my swanee whistle 

you've been blowing your hot air

If you could blow like a thorny thistle

Why don't you go blow over there?!

We Egrets have been migrating sure

From many a foreign shore before

But here we've camped, and here we've stamped

Our mark like a proud cow's hoof

Indeed if you need to hear the proof

We live in the trees see we can build nests

Hidden in the branches for we are blessed

By the Egyptian God Osiris

And it's in his footprint that we walk the Iris

You'll be flagging on the flag stones

And I'm making no bones

About it

We've got skills you can't kill

Or ever hope to match

Hopping over stepping stones

Looking for a fish to catch

If you want to lily pad

You lily livered beast

Then go along and motorhome

You know it's best at least

Swan:

I think that you should read the tome

Of bird etiquette related manual

To show you the map of your way home

That you should be able to handle

But don't come to me with your complaint

That there ain't enough room for us both

You will have to push the boat out

It's covered in your oily greasy

And slip along back to Rome

And the better fortunes find your feet

Than in this dome that is my home

My kingdom

Of Swan retreat

I'm calling up my royal friends

I've got friends in high places you know

I can get you kicked out the country

If I just wave my wings

So don't you dare, try to scare

Or insult a swan at leat

The only ones you need to phone

Are your friends on loser's street

Robin versus Blue Tit Rap battle

 Robin:

Hey what you think about me

Think I must be just a loser

Hanging round in a tree

Well, I'm the boss in the moss

I'm the stig on the twig

You see a red bolt

You better run, see

I'll be Robbin', I'll be bobbin'

I'll be mother freakin' hobbin'

In the cobbin, I'll be knobbin'

Knocking on your door like a dobbin

Blue Tit:

Yeah, yeah Robin you be fly

You be cruisin in my big blue sky

But watch out

You don't get a stick in your eye

Cos I'm pullin out out my bazooka

Gonna shoot ya in the pig sty

Gonna cream ya, double dream ya

Gonna make me some red robin pie

You ain't getting out of the net I set

I'm gonna trap ya in the lap of the God's Say Ey!

Robin:

Yeah Blue Tit tittin' you be spittin'

Some dope rhymes, I see you try

But don't be pittin' yourself against the best

You know I'm blest, I'm the freakin' one and only

Robin red breast

Now what you wanna talk shit for

Acting like you're True Grit your

Out on a limb Blue Tit, 

Just a Nip on a rose hip

You're a cold lip, But I'm some red hot shit

I'm gonna bee bop, beat drop

and sink you and your Blue Peter ship

Sure You think you're all that

Parading with your buddies

Round the one mile flat

But you be Mulberry bushing

You best be shushing in the hat

Drop your keys on the mat

You be leaving my territory

Like a little pussy cat

Blue Tit:

Now Robin you be Robbin

You be stealin' those things that don't belong

To ya bro,

You think you're my friend no!

Or that you can overthrow my reign

No, now go, 

I'm the only king of the tree

It's my Blue zone territory

I wear the blue crown, 

cos I'm real regal see

You're the false one

Like false teeth

You be chatting and prattling

Yap, yap yapping

Well little doggy

go bark up somebody else's tree

I'm the sayer, I'm the player

I play tic tac toe

On your little Robin show

I'm the slayer, mine's the wolf's lair

if it's tit for tat, then take that Red Crow

Hey yeah

Robin:

Yo, yo, now you're in my way it ain't good

And only I do the Robbin in my neighbourhood

I'm the thief, I'm gonna rob, gonna lob and corn cob ya

Stick you on a spike, gonna kibbab you on the MIC

You be fryin' ,

you be cryin' in the fire of my rage

You talk like Blue thunder, 

but I think you're a canary in a cage, 

you be so yellow, 

I could drop you on the brick road 

when you say hello

I'm gonna sellotape your beak shut, 

You dumb beech nut see?! 

speak when you're spoken to only

This my freakin tree