Joke 55

to decelerate - to stop eating celery in your diet

North Sea Seal

 I'm a North Sea seal

I need my meal

I want my fishes as my dishes

I'm a North Sea seal

I'm sealing the deal

No North Sea oil

For my fishes will spoil

No North Sea oil

For my fishes will spoil

Stop taking my skin

It's mine to begin

And I'll wear it, fair it

Like a sea faring ferret

I'm a North Sea seal

Making a deal

I'm making a steal

It's a cinch, it's a stink

At a pinch, in pink

Corncrake girl

 

She was a corncrake girl

From the Western isles 

On Canna she scanned 

The horizon

Just a Corncrake girl

Looking for a new moon rising

Talking about :

Corncrake, cheese cake

Make no mistake

It's a hard baked

Cornflake

Corncrake girl

The corncrake is a bird with a most unusual call

It goes - rickety, rachety, rickety rachety

Like a rattle at a football match

I'm talking about a corncrake girl

Corncrake, cheese cake

Make no mistake

It's a hard baked

Cornflake

Corncrake girl

Cosmetics

 The trainee beautician

enrolled on a course named cosmology

But she thought was cosmetology

Then she discovered the beauty of the universe

and manicured the arms of spiral galaxies

She massaged the figures of a neutron star

And waxed the legs of a nebula

Then she came home to ma and pa

And said I want to be an astronomer

A love entire

 I was out

Out of touch

I needed you and your love

I was near

But not near enough

And I missed you

and your love entire

It was dark

But I saw the light

I was on fire

You were the spark

You showed me the way

Through your love

It was a love entire

Anytime

That I turn around I don't see you

But then when I'm not looking

I find I'm near you

You must be a magician

You've got me bewitched

Anything you wanted

It would be my wish 

And the heart beats

But skips a beat

Like in a foreign country

I'm in a strange heat

I don't know if it's the truth

Or if I'm a liar

I just know the proof

Is in a love entire

see through

 I am a ghost in this place

Change my name, same face

About turn

Black to white

Shades of beige

into grey stone 

Belated birthday kite

Lies on the floor

I am ever alone

How can I endure?

Swallows are swallowed

Up by a sky 

So blue

It hurts my eyes

I am lost in a vast ocean 

Like them

There's only one homing

Beacon

It's a construction of when

A false memory of the past

I've built a castle of it in my mind

Recently it's been so far away

I thought I could cut the bind

But it frightened me to lose my dream

I cannot live without it

So it seems

I suppose it is escapism

But don't wish to live

in this British live strem

Phoenix of the hedgerows

 I saw a Phoenix in the hedgerow

Unfortunately, it did make me head grow

I thought well, I must be an amazing twitcher

To have spotted such a blazing picture

Well unfortunately as well as this

This Phoenix he burst into flame

And set alight the whole bloody lane

Oh the hedges they were burning true

And the farmers they came out swearing blue

What on earth have you done there me lad?

I asked you to cut them hedges, not turn em bad

You turn em all so black and blue, 

burning embers through and through

Oh what am I to do?

I said but father, all I did, 

was I went along with me shears and snid

And snipped and snead

And then I lost me head

I saw a phoenix in the hedge

I thought he was but a pheasant (overfed)

Ah but that is me own fault

I was mere peasant

I thought: "What a kingly bird 

Could come amongst us ere?

I doubt he is anything so queer

He probably is but merely a pigeon

And that proved wrong

For more than a smidgen

He flamed and fired right up from the ashes

And the hedges clattered down in their stashes

Oh the oaks were in smoke

And the willows did billow

And the alders they smauldered, and smildered

Smoldered and pillowed

But the Phoenix he was bright as a button

He flew up high above em like cotton

And floated in the air, oh those cotton bud clouds

If only they weren't the smoke of all them hedges so proud

Oh me father he was sad from that day

He said son you disturbed the phoenix of the hedge lay

You should always give thanks to the hedge laying birds

And never cut them hedges down after April has turned

For the fact is that birds, they do like to nest in em

You can't blame em for being blessed in em

That is just how it works and you cannot say neither

There's nothing else to say about it, you must say dither

So you never should disturb the phoenix of the hedgerow

And you should always give warning to the pheasants so they know

And don't go snipping beyond the verge

Unless you've found out about that phoenix bird