Christmas Swansong

 Talking of politics in the bookshop

And the rights of the individual

That Boris should be shot

The Money made by May for speeches of a kind

And others far too intellectual

They talk on the sofa of Feminism

And communism and dogmatism 

And letting go of leashes 

And losing all control

And I hold on to quiches

And break eggs to make omelettes

Of the friends I did not know

And put all my eggs in a basket of change

And hope to goodness that it doesn't feel strange

Because I have forgotten the weight of coins

In my pocket

And the feel of rain on my skin

When I enjoyed it

And Chocolate

saved up for and bought like a child

Or unwrapped at Christmas

And where has Christmas gone?

Is this its swan song that Morrisons

Are putting Easter Eggs up for sale

On Christmas Eve

What has it come to?

That you can't get served by a human being anymore you must meet a machine

A mechanized weigher

Do it your self

It will save us time and money

It will give us more Leisure time

Baloney

Leisure time is fine if you have the money

So who will have the money?

A state of lazy people who do not want to

Work

Nothing to do all day but pray

Or eat

Hopefully the former

But then their minds can be moulded better

They say

They can evolve like the Latter

Saints of the day

We will become a society of Saints all on our merry way

Doing Yoga saying howdy do neighbour

Oh you are committing a crime?

Well you know there is another way

Try being happy

Maybe that is the cure

But to be happy you must stop being poor

So we are back to the rich government handing out money to their citizens

The decadent society

The happy ones?

But then we look across the water to Eastern Europe

Are they not happier there, yet poorer?

Freedom to follow group traditions that bond each other in a fixed identity

Not this pluralism of mass individualism which

is driven by capitalism and greed and getting rich quick

Getting more and more is the religion

So where is Christmas, where are the Christian values?

Everything changes, they say

You have to let it go

We have ethnic diversity

Well we have enclaves, we have ghettoes

No we have love and strong community and rising above the fear

and hatred

Onwards and upwards like Peter Pan

Onwards and outwards and off to Japan

Saducces

 I was walking in a jungle of commonsence

Thinking where is the government of this nonsense

It makes me so concrete like the pavement

Then my favourite flavour of ice cream cement

Lent over the railings of the railing shop

And said have you brass knockers I can fit on my mop

You see the end is so hard I've nearly lost the plot

She said well you better make ends meat

Like in a Lancashire hotpot

I said you know your onions

And she said well certainly yo

I've been know to make mad dashes

At the church bell

And I've wanted to ring it

To warn of the fires of Hell

But it was Christmas Eve so I thought

I'd just wish them well

Oh the carol singers loved me they said

How are your Eaves I said I cleared the gutters last Thursday

But by now they smell

They said how do you know?

I said I've sniffed with my nose

They said well surely Mr Christmas as a Chimney sweep

You can tell

That's not the sort of thing a black beard like you

Should be doing midweek when you've left the zoo

I said I let all my monkeys and parrots alone

I didn't bar their cages nor touched my head to their hair

They whistled back sulkily a likely tune

I said I wish I could thistle

But I have lisp like a spoon

And only swallow down medicine

As soon as I'm due

It's not yet a quarter to eight and I'm feeling like a loon

Climate change carol

 Wishing for a warm Christmas with no ice upon the trees

There'll be no need for log fires

It will be 35 degrees

And Rudolph will need a shave

Better get a camel in for hire

Because the climate change is coming

Nothing left to save from the fire

Well be hanging up our flip flops

Dressing up in shorts, 

We'll be as hot as rhyming hip-hops

Running in our JD sports

If you hear us carolling, 

It'll have Caribbean tingle

And the Jamaican rum barrelling

Will be our tropical jingle-jangle-jingle 

Light up the barbie we're going

Down under

It's blistering in Tinsel town 

And the decked halls are full of crazy thunder

Breaking all our humid brows

Under the mistletoe

kissing hot lips on cold ships

As the hair dryer wind blows

Up along the scorching streets

And whistles through the windows

Holly wreaths on the doors of nuclear families

Like in a nuclear fall out all sing so happily

Merry atomic baubles to you

I can't see a Partridge sitting in the tree

It's either fallen off his perch

Or flown North to the Arctic sea

Where glaciers are researched

But no scientist has found them yet

They are lost like needle in the burning haystack

Of the gulf stream jet

No more frost on window panes 

but the sea level is rising

Soon it'll be flowing up the country lanes

But let's not be the doom Sayers

Or merchants of ungrounded fears

There'll still be Mark's and Spencer's

And you'll have time to buy some beers

Just relax on your sofa while it's floating

And switch on the King's speech

Hell be uttering he's not for voting

In a climate where miscreants preach

And the equator is sweltering

There are forests on the Poles

And we'll all be for tightening our purse strings

While watching our pennies fall through ozone holes

The twelve days of Christmas revisited

 On the first day of Christmas my true love sent to me

a Koala in a gum tree

On the second day of Christmas my true love sent to me

Two polar bears

And a koala in a gum tree

On the third day of Christmas my true love sent to me

Three arctic foxes

Two polar bears

And a koala in a gum tree

On the fourth day of Christmas my true love sent to me

Four snow leopards

Three arctic foxes

Two polar bears

And a Koala in a gum tree

On the fifth day of Christmas my true love sent to me

Five Forest fires 

Four snow leopards

Three arctic foxes

Two polar bears

And a Koala in a gum tree

On the sixth day of Christmas my true love sent to me

Six glaciers glazing

Five forests fires

Four snow leopards

Three arctic foxes

Two polar bears

And a Koala in a gum tree

On the seventh day of Christmas my true love sent to me

Seven seas arising

Six glaciers glazing

Five forest fires

Four snow leopards

Three arctic foxes

Two polar bears

And a Koala in a gum tree

On the eighth day of Christmas my true love sent to me

Eight deserts dying

Seven seas arising

Six glaciers glazing

Five forest fires

Four snow leopards

Three arctic foxes

Two polar bears

And a Koala in a gum tree

On the ninth day of Christmas my true love sent to me

Nine rains a raging

Eight deserts dying

Seven seas arising

Six glaciers glazing

Five forest fires

Four snow leopards

Three arctic foxes

Two polar bears

And a Koala in a gum tree

On the tenth day of Christmas my true love sent to me

Ten Hurricanes hurling

Nine rains a raging

Eight deserts dying

Seven seas arising

Six glaciers glazing

Five Forest fires

Four snow leopards

Three arctic foxes

Two polar bears

And a Koala in a gum tree

On the eleventh day of Christmas my true love sent to me

Eleven women weeping

Ten Hurricanes hurling

Nine rains a raging

Eight deserts dying

Seven seas arising

Six glaciers glazing

Five forest fires

Four snow leopards

Three arctic foxes

Two polar bears

And a Koala in a gum tree

On the twelfth day of Christmas my true love sent to me

Twelve men mismanaging

Eleven women weeping

Ten Hurricanes hurling

Nine rains a raging

Eight deserts dying

Seven seas arising

Six glaciers glazing

Five forest fires

Four snow leopards

Three arctic foxes

Two polar bears

And a Koala in a gum tree