Buzzed out

I'm in the Buzzard BnB in Bedfordshire

I'm sleeping on the wing

In a feather down mattress

My pillow is of duck down

And my bed fellow a funny fucker

She's a buzzard the same as me

Oh a real Buzzcock cocker

I'm in the Buzzard B 'n' B, 

Come pack up your sheet

I'll go down to breakfast in the morning

Claw my way down the stairs

I pass a Golden Eagle in his Eyrie Attic

And Sparrow in his window box

A lot of us Buzzards here we lost our nest

We flew it long ago

In the long flight West

Looking for a new home

In a countryside so green

Yet we ended up in Shepton Mallet

If you know what I mean

The streets are pretty busy,

well the streets are pretty clean

The houses are full and empty

Helps with the homeless scene

Some have too much

And many don't have any

And they think they'll take a shot

At the national lottery penny

But no they never win

Only scrape by a livin'

Yet the pallets keep on turning

The lorry wheels keep on spinning

I'm not saying it matters

I'm just a buzzard on the brink

I speak my beak

And think my think

If they start policing that

Then the whole pontoon might sink

We'd be back in 1984

And pigeon holing people

Based on their way of thinking

Let me see if you will commit a crime

My monitoring machine is blinking

well in a sense we already have it

With a google can of beans

GDPR and algorithms who know where you've been

Think they will predict where you are going

If in your thoughts they've seen

Some evidence of intention to a crime scene

It's a fair cop governor, I've been circling around

this field of dreams

Longer than my tail feathers

Shorter than a stream

I'm trying to catch a little mouse

But all I can find is carrion

If you call me a predator on the prowl

I'll scream and shout and swing my towel

In such a carry on

This town is a birds nest baby

It's full of stick houses yeah

And all the match stick people

Go about combing flames out of their hair

And each fiery tongue licks the next

As every wing is clipped

By a cuckoo government 

who've taken over the nest

So show me back to Bedfordshire

Where I may rest my head

In the Buzzard B'n'B 

back in my home

Bed stead

New Life

 I went to the supermarket Today

And they said that`ll be seven thirty one,

How do you you wish to pay

Well card has five pound minimum

You want a bag

No I want a life

Oh they`re on two for one offer

Very good said I,

I'll take two, 

One for me and one for my wife

I know she'd like a new life

So there we were I'd purchased my new life

With my Potatoes and yoghurt

And I could n't wait to get it home

and try it out

Back at home

I opened my new life

But it wasn`t all it said it would be

It wasn`t always shiny

Blade runner

 You want to run with the blades

You want to hold the glass in your hands

Running on shattered dreams

And holding broken knives

Through door ways of perception

In pyramids of inception

Where birth of new life

Had its conception

Animal or human

Soul or hole

Love or all else above

As a way of introduction -presentation skills one

 I'd like to thank my mother and father for having sex and mixing sperm and egg, for if it wasn't for them, I would n't be here today able in some ways to write in English. Thank you, now on with my presentation.

God's Gift

 He thought he was 

God's gift to women

And Macho man number one

He thought he was

The best thing since sliced bread

Best thing under the sun

He thought he was God's gift to women

And a real walking demigod

But well you know while he was talking

All I thought was what a sod

I thought flippin' heck he's joking

He must be like King Midas on Speed

Every thing he touches

Turns to Gold and that's just greed

I thought you shall not worship false idols

And this Pop star is a weed

He keeps growing in all the flowers

And showering them in his seed

Well God's gift to women

Macho hombera uno numbero one

Your ego's writing cheques so inhuman

You must be off the cast of Top gun

He's got a body of an Adonis

Like a statue of the Greeks 

He's so phoney when he phones us

It's like a plastic doll who speaks

He's making mince meat of ponies

And he's talking pie in the sky to bits

He's keeping mum and she loves his bum

And his auntie thinks he's fit

Oh he's God's gift to women alright

He's God's idea of a joke

He's a spanner in the works

And a stick in the spokes

He's turned the applecart over tonight

And there's a burning chariot wheel

And Achilles has twisted his heel

Oedipus Rex with his mother complex

Told him he would not stand up in court

But King Midas wrote cheques

And his gold finger flexed

And he ended up getting more than he thought

He's a disaster on two feet

He means to cause you harm

Don't listen to his Cheat sheet

Don't fall for his charm

He'll get you undercover

Then like a fire raise an alarm

And like James Bond he kills his lovers

While his mother inherits the farm

He's got too many arms

Like an octopus

and a finger in every pie

I wish he would go but he's opted with us

Rather than the spirit in the sky

I'm in the soup with you

 Farewell to Stroganoff

Hello Minestrone

Goodbye Tomato and Basil

Hiya Carrot and Coriander

Oh you soups

you soups

Vegetable and fruit too

Come dance in the balustrade

I'm in the soup ballet with you

Wrap your lovely slop all around

My bones

I want to feel you inside me

Like a warm wet tone

Ringing in the darkness

Yes you can ring my bell

Hello Minestrone

Stroganoff you can bog off

Tomato and basil go to hell

Peter Gint

 Peirre Gint

My life

In a glint

Doldrums of silence

In the Norwegian slumps

Slumming it it,

Bumming it in the swamps

Hope of a hump back whale

Who jumps

And splashes down

Ah he is stubborn in his soul

This man

But the sensitive love of nature

And righteousness

Is triumphant

After all his wanderings

He returns

But feels

Or thinks he feels

Will she still be there?

Is there a hope

She might still love him?

Life after death

Mum and dad

 In terms of aspiration and job choice

A person really has little choice:

Either they do what their father wants of them or what their mother wants

It is not always true, but common

That the daughter follows instinctly the father's wishes - 

A higher social class,

marry well, get the grand children into a better school

The right sort

Or the son does what the mother wants or would like

be less ambitious 

Be a family man

Be happy

Spend time with the kids

The daughter will marry a rich

but fairly stupid man of the right class

Whom she can control

And the son will marry of a similar class

But a social climber

a wife who is his intellectual superior

So that ultimately she makes the decisions

Like his mother did for him

warthog gel

 thwart that wart with new warthog gel

Jesus, was never mothballed

 A moth flew into the bath

It buzzed and it fuzzed and it made me

Laugh

except it began doing backstroke between my legs

And so I lifted it up in my palm

Like god's avenging hand

And served justice

to the dying man

But it

Always reached towards the light

And that is why I saved it

So it could

Continue its flight

Scottish memories

 You left me just where I picked you up

A little tired

After the music had  stopped

And the merry-go-round took us

back to the start

Oh we had mountains to climb 

in the hills of our hearts

There were valleys of consequence

And hidden snow drifts of guilt

Holes to fall through

The frozen surface

On lakes of indifference

But ferries of respect

And reunification bridges

Where we dropped sticks in for a bet

And love lockets

And hearts on chains

And notes in pockets

Written on wild west steam trains

And seas so cold they froze our brains

Oh tell me what love is and is

This the same

I remember seaweed on shores

And little animals that slither

And crawling on all fours

And winds that made me shiver

And camping in the pinewood

Next to the Inn

And you being so afraid

Of the Wild winds din

And how we hunkered down in silence

And protected we slept

In each others arms

Like violence

In the arms and the neck

That hold tight yet don't let go the bow

Don't let the arrows fly yet

I have more to give

My heart wants to live

Before the final vet

I need you

But I don't need it

I want us

Without the fuss

I miss your tender kiss

And the way we fell in bliss

But the silence between us spoke volumes of trust

And the sea shore swelled and hushed

And I breathed

And knew you were there

Once upon in Scotland 2015

 

That's life

 Isn't life such a comedy?

You lie down,

until you can't lie down anymore

And then you stand up

Until you are so tired of doing the things

You can do standing up,

And then you sit down,

sitting down there are fewer things you can do than when

Standing up and so you use your brain

And write something or make something up

Until your brain and your back are too tired to work

And then you must lie down again

And that is life,

Only that story doesn't make a very good song

Concrete notions

 City whores, in the dirt

In the deep

Of concrete

And bungling jungles

Where fungal spores are rife

and reach rifles

And breach bedposts 

And linen trousers of

Generals

Whose black hearts are scorched by war

And peace is just a begging post 

On the road to War

The city of blood

They are dead flowers

Rotten lilies

And flag Irises

Drooping 

Pungent smelling

Of decaying pig

And human hearts blackened

By smoke, and smog

And money

That breeds the flies of greed

From the maggots of envy, and pride

And the worms of lust are twisting

Through

The rotten flesh

Of the over sweetly smelling roses

The bawdy bright colours

The bold washed fast, bleached hues

The bumble bee dyed

Boxers and blonde wigs

Of stags and figs

And pigs

Who dance in the moonlight

But never smell

a field

Today you must fly

 You create

To bring new life into this world

You mold, and hold the dreams of your baby girl

And in the blink of an eye she is gone

Like the rain on the pavement

After the sun has shone

And I shake my head and cry

I shake my fists at the sky

And I ask why

Why has she gone?

You are the creator and destroyer of things

We know not why only what life brings

To live or to die, to give and to cry

In the end are we just puppets on strings?

And I hold the rain in my hands

I search through the desert lands

For the sign that new life brings

In this new spring

Some are cut down like so many blades

Like chaff that falls, like dirt off spades

Some are cythed for making hay

Oh we must seize each passing day

Is there ever a time to say goodbye

To one you have loved, but one who does die

Are there ever the words to sigh

This reason you came, that season you fly

Fly away, oh fly away

Sweet bird of sorrow

Maybe tomorrow, 

I'll find the right words to say

Good bye

But not today, not today

Today you must fly

Don't Bother

 Don't bother about the lad

Or the best you ever had

Oh don't bother about the cad

Who hangs around with the footpad

Don't bother about the bad

Try not to be sad

Get your own back on Vlad the impaler

He's a sailor, a whaler

A fisher of men

A wisher of women

A bish and a bosh

of fish and fosh

In the slish slosh of the sea

The Lily pad, the philly fad

The milly mad and the silly sad

Rad dad

Who wants to be good

But ends up bad

Don't bother

The sinking of the great ship Sea Biscuit

 The sinking of the biscuit

Oh how the biscuit sunk

Whether a digestive  or a Garibaldi 

In war a lot of biscuits were sunk

The only difference between the Bismarck and a biscuit is a biscuit goes soggy in the water

Commemorated on Butleigh wood

By a statue of Captain hood

That greatest of biscuit sinkers

They thought he was a thinker

But no a doer was he

A very dour doer

As he dipped his rich tea

The very dowager of Mrs Dowington

Edmund her dove lover from the sea

With his slow boat from China

And his cup of Earl Grey tea

They got him hook line and sinker

The tea bag stewed in the South China sea

And the pacific blue turned a tea leaf brown

As from Peace they could bring out the pea

Charging in the Calypso

A monkey lightning free

Came bolt down from the blue

As the sea stew

Was a bubbling like a market of fleas

And flaying in her flaring dress

Lady Jane, not grey was she

But plain, as plain could be

Without her very rich tea

Earl Grey he sunk it for her

Oh he sunk his biscuit in

But then it did go soggy

And sunk to the bottom of sin

She always wished for Garibaldi, that most military of Martial men

She was sure his biscuit would stand upright at the door

And could well withstand a good dunking

Sure his Spanish conquistador airs

Would frizz up the little light hairs

On the back of her neck, but she did expect

That he would respect

Her as a Lady of greatest aspect

Then she found out he was Italian

And thought of Christina Rossetti

A far cry from the poetry of biscuit dunking in the sea

And yet a step up from Garibaldi

Who never lived in the 16th century

Ah the Dunking of the Sea biscuit

And the sinking in the tea

Is there ever a good time to risk it

In good drinking company

Doff and Don

 Doff and Don were two great friends

One came off and one came on

The ones who didn't were forever gone

When Don and Doff were there

The sun forever shone

Don't go said Doff

I must said Don

So Don ran off

To Babylon

And Doff flew off to the sky of blue

And listened to French

As gum he chewed

And sung a song that went doobie doo

But Doff loved Don who never knew

Take off your hat, said Doff to Don

No put it on said Don to Doff

I can't take off my cap or cape

Said Don to Doff around his nape

A tiger hung or maybe a snake

I really don't know what to make

Said Doff to Don about the shape

Of his heart beneath the Sun

Which shone too strong

Which shone too strong

Joke 350 Cannibal

 Cannibalism between friends, well you've got to make friends meat haven't you.