Maelstrom

 Well I fell down the maelstrom

Yes I followed you down

My ship was in a hail storm

Stronger than a cup of tea

And you were in a clipper

All the way from the China Sea

Well the maelstrom is a real big deal

It'll put hairs on your bum

And it'll make you feel

Like you don't have a mum

And you don't want a meal

So never come to the maelstrom

Now the female strum is of another order

It's like a collie so pet it but only the border

Because if you enter into that whirlpool

You'll never make it out alive

And you are a bloody fool

Now if you should succumb

Think only this of me

That there was some foreign whirlpool

Whipped up a writhing brothing sea

And into it went my log book

My sanity and me

Because you'll never be a shanty man

When you're a she shanty singer see

Yes she was a shanty man

She on the fence holding the can

Singing in her defence

I didn't lead you on

On down into the female strom

Get a hold of yourself

You bloody landlubber

And put back on the shelf

Your bloody soul rubber

The stars are all bucking

Because this ship is ducking

Down the rollicking rolling maelstrom

The Strawberry ship

 I used to work on the ship strawberry

A liner over from Cork

I would sit on the mainsail yard arm

And eat with my knife and fork

But since the wind's been a blowing

I think we've gone off course

It was a circumnavigation of the world

But now it seems like a race for one horse

Why do we follow the loudest

Like sheep in a valley we wail

Guide me home oh my shepherd

For I fear the blowing gale

But it's because we live in the bowels of the ship

And hardly have reason to rise

Above to the main deck

Where they say such we risk our neck

And will pay for it with our lives

It is the little gravity well

We must overcome

To escape the mouth of hell

And not be brought back into

Those shark infested waters

All invested by harlequins' daughters

Who think they're the Queens of the dell

Now our captain he got side tracked

He listened to the voice of the sirens

Who were calling to him back

Where they live  on their little island

Like stranded sheep he thought

I as their shepherd must rescue them

But it was a blood sport of course

And he ended up digesting them

And this indigestion brought him

Back to the strawberry liner

Where he was neither a finer captain

Nor a captain of liners

Only a tuner of tunes

Beyond hot air balloons

that look like submarine miners

A pirate's holiday

 I met a pirate upon a river cruise

He was on a Pirate's holiday

I said are you a planning

On some marauding

Or hoarding the gold in the bay?

He said no I'm not a viking

I just wish for a canal boat

And a peaceful stay

So as I walked along the tow path

I saw this pirate sipping cups of tea

What sort of pirate

I thought to myself

Must this pirate be?

He was relaxing and taking it easy 

Away from the hard life at sea

Where he'd been drinking rum

And stealing gum

Upon the Merciless Albatross Dizzy

He said my life is real taxing

And I should be relaxing me

Ironically I don't believe in tax axing

Because my tax is between the devil 

and the deep blue sea

Oh how I wish I were a busman

And not a pirate so free

For then when I needed a holiday

I'd just drive my buses and let it be

Quack a day duck

 Well someone said hey

And I said duck

What! Watch out!

It's a submersible, fuck!

So Quack away

Come on Quack away

The flippers kick fast

But it's smooth on top

So come on Quack, Quack

Around New Zealand

The times may come that it's hard to say

Come on Quack away, oh Quack away

It's all just water off a duck's back

So let's Quack, Quack

Around New Zealand

A tufty tail

And a beak that Quacks

Quack away, come on Quack away

You could be a Quaker or you could be a Crack

Come on Quack, Quack 

around New Zealand

Well it's jus de l'orange

Or it's crispy or chop sui

Quack away, come on Quack away

You might talk strange

But I think it's phooey

Quack, Quack around New Zealand

I think I need a doctor

For I've hurt my back

Come on Quack away, yes Quack away

But they give me a witch doctor 

who talks like a Quack

So Quack, Quack around New Zealand