X-ray-ted

 The X-ray machine was broken

They scanned his body

But nobody had spoken 

And no one saw the flash

But they suspect the skeleton stole the negative

Someone saw a whitebone stuck out

Leaving the door

The heel bone

Somehow the machine jammed

And his bones got left on the photograph

The man stepped out - the flesh man part

And said - I feel weak at the knees

Then he collapsed into a heap of skin and muscle

That will take some explaining

Thought the radiographer

Call in the cleaner she will have to hustle

Then the matron who was keeping an eye on the place

Peered around the corner

And saw the skeleton

wandering down the corridor

Looking a bit sheepish

It's the first time they've let him out,

Observed one old patient from his bed

Looks a bit unsteady on his feet - said another woman

Sure they should have given him a frame at least

Come on on young fellow

And a buxom dinner lady guided the skeleton

Into the canteen, would you look at you

There's not an ounce of meat on you

Lets get you well fed

You look like you need a good dinner

Meanwhile back in the X-ray Department

The Radiographer said to the cleaner

"Put that man on ice!"

Right away Dr, which ice might that be?

Don't you dr me, I'm not your medicine woman

I'm a physicist I work with the real, the here and now

Time and matter, and right now Time matters!

Is it of an essence Doctor?

Yes shirely, it surely is, if we don't cryogenically freeze

This man's vital organs, muscle and skin tones

There will be nothing but mush left

To reattach to his bones

To the emergency heart transplant room now

And talk to the surgeon

They surely must have a theatrical solution

So they rushed the man's remains

In the cleaners mop bucket

All along the corridors of power

up until well they thought

Fuck it!

Let's go in here - the ice room

And this was the winter palace where

They hung up the skins of those patients

Unfortunate enough to have missed their insides

And also the insides which were missing their skins

Eyeball missing their lids

And even some frozen parents who were missing their kids

And were put on ice until their kidnapped children

Had again been tracked down

The British government believe it stopped them worrying so much

Which of course it did

And so they hung up this man in there to freeze dry

Right now that's done and dusted let's track down his old bones

They must be walking around somewhere!?

Another nurse comes out Doctor, doctor!

Don't call me that I'm a radiographer, call me Mrs X

Alright Mrs X, well Mr Ray has gone missing from your department

Oh no, not another one!

Who on earth turned that X-ray machine back on?

I told them it was faulty, I told them it was flawed

But would they fix it would they ever?

They told me I was bored

And had too much time doing nothing in the day

Just twiddling my poor thumbs

Waiting for an X-ray

Well it came

Like bolt from the blue end of the spectrum

Like lightening from the Gods, in Ultraviolet detection

It was Infra-dig and Infra-red and they might have called it a day

But instead they called me Doris X and my machine Mr Ray

It should have been Mr Ree you see they say, because noone 'ere knows how it works

But I do you see I got a degree

In Nuclear Magnetoscopy  - I can spin the particles

And weave them waves and caused a knitting thread

To ball up inside your head

I can Tell an MMR machine from a catscan

And I can PET a man and call him a dog

I can read your palms like I read your bones

You it's all written in the stars

and in the sticks and stones

So it doesn't matter what you call it

Just as long as you say

I am Mrs X and I'm married to Mr Ray

There can only be one explanation for why it did go wrong

And that must have been when that Mrs Jones brought in his little son

And he didn't want to have the X-ray unless he had his Ted

So he brought poor Ted in there with him

And poor Ted wasn't hidden behind any lead

So I think he got a blast full-force of a dose of ray

And now he is X-ray-ted and he has been on his way

I saw him fly down the corridor, 

Surely more super than any Teddy before

this Super ted 

Clapping hands and smiling to all the patients poor

Oh surely this must be the reason

Why Mr Ray has lost Mojo for sure

We must find and trap this Superteddy

Before he does unknown damage

Oh come my little pretty -

Do you mean me Dr?

Yes of course I mean you Shirely,

And don't call me Doctor!

I am Mrs X, with my mean and perhaps dualistic X-ray machine Mr Ray

I won't let them take you away from me my love

It is lucky you are mobile on four wheels

We can just disguise you as a trolley and wheel you out of here

Shirely you can be the dead body ok!

Anything you say Doctor, I can do a good impersonation of a corpse

Of course you can Shirely of course you can!

Right next stop the morgue and from there to the outside car park where we will load

Mr Ray into my van.

Super-ted you won't escape my clutches now ah haha ha ha ...ha!

A flash in the pan

 The midwives were busying themselves on the ward

The porters were portering, and the waiting patients looked bored

Nothing much was happening, it was the usual rap

When a certain tap-tapping began to tap

The matron cried "Ahoy there! I smell smoke between the sheets,

Either some aberrant's been smoking or there's a fire on the beat."

Just then the fire alarm rang out, a wailing, chilling sound 

And it stopped the matron somewhere abouts in the middle her round

 

The hospital crew acted bravely to carry out the matron's orders 

She told them to remove the mothers to safty in out-the-way borders

Down the stairs they went flying, like refugees they were sighing

But lucky they were to be evacuated in the nick of time from the scene

as smoke circulated around the bedpan macerating machine

Just then the fire brigade rocked up with their hard hats and their hoses

And they told all those locked up to hold on tight to their noses

And they stormed right up the stairwell, to fight the fire, and quell its flame

But none of them were to know then the bedpan by its burning name

The new mothers stared on with the look of those who had been stunned,

As they held their babes in arms took on the look of Mary or of nuns

But stern they were of will to survive this great ordeal

Hoping in their hearts that they might soon get a meal

Though the babes in arms were yet crying, 

the mothers charms they still kept trying

Until a calm had settled down upon the congregation

When a man decided to have a myocardial infarction

So as the midwives were treating this unfortunate chap

The firemen were charging through for a second lap   

 

The matron then in her most commanding voice

called for calm and order as if they had no choice

So in the end nirvana was again restored

And the patients kept on waiting and the waiting ones got bored

And the man who had been waiting to be seen

Now he had been seen he couldn't wait to leave

And as the last of the bedpan flames were quenched

The sad looking macerating machine was drenched

And luckily nobody's mother's waters broke

So they all trudged back up the stairs thinking what a joke

Because you know they say it never rains but it pours

Which is what they should write on the A and E doors

And all these things were sent to try us

Including bedpan macerating machine fires

And so before you ask if you can use the can

You better be sure it's not for a flash in the pan