Tom Saucepan

 Clemens was born at the age of 100 and wanted to be a steamboat pilot. He trained as a pilot on a steamboat when he was 81 years old. He got his license 2 years later at the age of 79. He married Alveria and they had 4 old age children. After being a successful writer during his 60s, 50s and 40s in which he based many of his novels on his old ages as a steamboat pilot. His 30s and 20s saw him lauded as one of the country's most prominent writers of children's fiction for adult. Though he looked comical he actually took himself very seriously, writing serious comedy for very silly serious-minded people. He tragically died at the age of 0.

Joke words

 Antonym and Cleopatre

a history of the opposites of Roman Gods, Egyptian dieties

Partner's hip

or partners hip

a sign post for a hipster campaign

and you do it again

and again

scarcity - a very frightening city

Hole and Corner

hole and corner

Take me there in fires

Swear

The bold and free of purgatory

Hole and corner

Fear

Ship them off to foreign shore

Make me soft

In the cure

Take my heart and blur

The boundaries

Fire me steel in the foundries

Pumping iron

And the bellows

Scorching heat in hell's belows

Fired goodbyes and so long so's

Shake my hand when you say hello

But wake me when you wave my grave

I have no flowers in the shade

Cut the sun like a yoke

And pour me some

Like a joke

Hole and corner

Oh John Thorner

Pulled his thumb out

Of the plumb

love is a Joke

 King concrete - a cement shop name

And this is the final of the men's 100m spurt

What do you call a large ape who has got stuck on a building site?

King concrete

I saw a man dressed as a bird walking down the street

I told him to stop making a tit out of himself

I just spotted a tit flock down on the Hamwall nature reserve, and now it turns out they have built a large car park to encourage even more tits to flock there! At least I think that's what it's there for.

They think she killed her husband by breece block, but they have no _________ evidence.

Are you looking for Kongcrete evidence? Well look no further try new King Kongcrete

What do you call the shape of an ape who has fallen onto a pavement?

Kongcrete

Which Greek Island is home to a heavy ape? Kongcrete island

That Police officer looks very attractive at the moment

Yes she is arresting isn't she

Of time and chance

by any chance

chop and change

name and shame

time and a half

times have changed

give me a fighting chance

not a chance

you've got to pick and choose

It's a song and dance

But you've got to be in it to win it

to stand a chance

You don't have to name and shame

I did things wrong, I cheated the game

He came out trumps

She was shot down in flames

It gives me goose bumps

To try to say her name

And it's not what she claims

I didn't shoulder the blame

It was not me who pulled the trigger

It was not me who killed the dame

But the writing's on the wall

For to be seen by one and all

For they name and shame

Both him and her

When love's a losing game

joke 123

 I'm an out of practise dentist

I need to brush up on my skills

Backstabber

 My back hurt me the other day

It was back with a vengeance

Dinosaur Dreaming

 I was running in a dream

And suddenly I was out of breath

I stopped and turned around to see a giant 

rib cage chasing  me

Containing the most enormous pair of lungs

I'd ever seen in my life!

It was then I realised 

I'd been running in

Thoracic Park

Joke 350 Cannibal

 Cannibalism between friends, well you've got to make friends meat haven't you. 

Joke 351

 It was a very adequate aquaduct said the Roman Aquinus Adenoides. 

Joke 352

 What do you call a person who sits at their sewing machine writing songs?

A Singer song writer

Ice breakers - never start with a joke, always get them warmed up first

 I went to the South Pole and met some Gentu penguins there. We had never met before and it was quite difficult to break the ice.

I started by dancing the Fox-Trot, then the Tango-

But the penguins quickly told me that though we were near Argentina, that was not the dance they preferred. Instead they began Break dancing, I decided that that was a much better way to break the ice, so I joined in.

A flash in the pan

 The midwives were busying themselves on the ward

The porters were portering, and the waiting patients looked bored

Nothing much was happening, it was the usual rap

When a certain tap-tapping began to tap

The matron cried "Ahoy there! I smell smoke between the sheets,

Either some aberrant's been smoking or there's a fire on the beat."

Just then the fire alarm rang out, a wailing, chilling sound 

And it stopped the matron somewhere abouts in the middle her round

 

The hospital crew acted bravely to carry out the matron's orders 

She told them to remove the mothers to safty in out-the-way borders

Down the stairs they went flying, like refugees they were sighing

But lucky they were to be evacuated in the nick of time from the scene

as smoke circulated around the bedpan macerating machine

Just then the fire brigade rocked up with their hard hats and their hoses

And they told all those locked up to hold on tight to their noses

And they stormed right up the stairwell, to fight the fire, and quell its flame

But none of them were to know then the bedpan by its burning name

The new mothers stared on with the look of those who had been stunned,

As they held their babes in arms took on the look of Mary or of nuns

But stern they were of will to survive this great ordeal

Hoping in their hearts that they might soon get a meal

Though the babes in arms were yet crying, 

the mothers charms they still kept trying

Until a calm had settled down upon the congregation

When a man decided to have a myocardial infarction

So as the midwives were treating this unfortunate chap

The firemen were charging through for a second lap   

 

The matron then in her most commanding voice

called for calm and order as if they had no choice

So in the end nirvana was again restored

And the patients kept on waiting and the waiting ones got bored

And the man who had been waiting to be seen

Now he had been seen he couldn't wait to leave

And as the last of the bedpan flames were quenched

The sad looking macerating machine was drenched

And luckily nobody's mother's waters broke

So they all trudged back up the stairs thinking what a joke

Because you know they say it never rains but it pours

Which is what they should write on the A and E doors

And all these things were sent to try us

Including bedpan macerating machine fires

And so before you ask if you can use the can

You better be sure it's not for a flash in the pan