Joke 55

to decelerate - to stop eating celery in your diet

5 in a row

 Bombs in west Bradley 

5 bombs

In a row

Molotov bread basket

Undertaker 

I was an undertaker 

He was an over taker

Who reached heaven first?

There was a speed limit on the stairway to heaven 

But an escalator down to hell

Treason , the reason of a tree. When arguing with a tree it's always a good idea to suggest it be treasonable and to stop barking orders at you. Do trees actually like to be weed on by dogs? They may just see as a bit of watering and quite like it, instead of getting mad. You can't assume all trees are untreasonable. 

Inspiring work

 The steeple jack came

What work are you in?

I'm in spires, 

oh how inspiring, I'm an aspiring steeplejack you know

Oh really? What line of work are you in?

I'm a roofer, I only do flat roofs,, but I need to branch out

Extend my self

It's about the elevation, 

well only do it if you're inclined

Oh I am inclined, very much inclined

I look up at the church roof and think

That tower needs something

Oh and I don't mean cornices or more gargoyles, no sir

It needs a little je ne sai qua

A spire?

Exactly

A spire to reach to the stars

To touch God's hand

Well let's not get carried away

Say are you busy these days?

Well, I'm running from one spire to another near enough

Oh a steeplechase?

You could say

Well I know of a church, the damn spire just fell off

Crack and came spiralling down

Caught a parishioner totally unawares

Mrs Beeching , terrible thing

She never did have a head for heights

always afraid to climb the tower's spiral staircase

and Now she has spire for a head

Not very inspiring, 

She has a steeple through her temples

She finally got the point

Unfortunately it struck her too late

Well the thing is the cockerel hit her first

She heard this whirring

And the weather vein span down like a helicopter

It had fallen off

North, South, East or West, it kept spinning

She was dizzy with which way the wind was blowing

Then?

A golden hen, finally came home to roost

Well you should be careful not to keep all your eggs in one basket

My dear man it was a cockerel, not a chicken, a golden cockerel

My wife is into cocks too,

I beg your pardon? Cock-a-toos?

No cockerels, the weather veins

She paints them, gold leaf you see, we do a double act

I take em off their high perch, and she gives

Them a new lease of life

That's rather gilding the lily isn't it?

Well, it's rather gilding the cock

Ah the man with the golden gun

Oh your veins are so glorious I see

weather they are or Whether they are not

Is not for me to say

She's the weather-woman 

and I'm the steeple jack

Actually Perry the stone mason is my name

Though I'm also into flying buttresses

And my wife is Jemima the gold leaf artist

She's up at the crack of dawn, painting cockerels like the sun

So you are into butts and your wife is into cocks

Well good day to you sir!

Australian Film

 a Possum's creed

a cross between Muriel's Wedding

and Assassin's Creed,

a very popular Australian dram/action film

April fool

In jest - many a true word is said ingest:

You banter, I canter

You chaff, I chafe

You fool, I muel, and mew

Said in fun, I reach for my gun

You tell a gag, I reach for the rag

Disgrace, lose face, egg on my face

Just jape, I try to escape

You jive, and I barely stay alive

You make a joke, and I am like a whiff of smoke

You jolly broom man, drunk on life

I pull out my brolly, wait for rains' strife

You josh, I am flotsam and jetsam awash

You kid, I bring the sacrificial lamb of I am

And it's just a quip, but I equip myself with weapons and armour

I'm readying for war games

You wisecrack, and I break, I snap

I'm on the edge, like Iran

My finger hovers over the button

Just then a leaf falls from a tree

And upsets the balance between you and me

yuck you say, get a sense of humour

I was only pulling your leg

In jest you say that I shouldn't care

this jibe, or that haze,

When you jeer, a tear falls from my eye

When you mock, the grace of God in shock

I shake at your rag, tag rally, 

Laughing down the alley

Always on the razz, 

But which is the better way?

My quiet, way, of restraint

Or to let loose every day

In bitterness or not to rib, 

To ridicule, tease, it's mean

But what if you don't fit in

To society's mould

Then how the world unfolds

In caricature, of prophets

lampoon the man in the moon

parody, and get carted away

For being a bit mad,  a little loon

satirize as a Satyr , never satisfied as a martyr

Has to always go that one step farther

To prove your point

And have the last laugh

Detective Tight Ladder

 I was getting my tools together to go

Window cleaning 

When I noticed a pair of tights in my ladder

How did they get there I thought 

I have no explanation

Had I lent my ladders to John, the cross-dressing, transvestite window cleaner?

No, that was last week, he had given them back, ladderless

Tight-ass the builder also borrowed them

He could have got his tight ass stuck in them

But did he wear tights?

The plot thickened, and so did my porridge as I stirred it and pondered

Pondered and stirred it

Then it hit me, there was that lad the other week, he had borrow it for his

Amatuer dramatic show, they had been building the scenery and erecting 

and painting the backdrop

Aladdin tights, that was it, a cross between the Arabian nights and Billie Eliot

So in the end he had a ladder in his tights, 

And I had his tights in my ladder,

The mystery was solved

Orc world

 Fin estre - end of the world

Fenetre  - Window

Orc estra = world of orcs

An Orchestra of Orcs

A Romance for Orcs in three movements

Kitchen utensils

 Spoons: they can dish it out, and they can take it.

Bowls: they can take it, but they can't dish it out.

Joke 678

 I went to a peanut farm and asked them to tell me how they grew them, in a nutshell.

Jokes upside down

 I worked at an undertakers once

It was a nice little Urn-er

A tree surgeon - a Tree who likes to cut

off people's limbs

 I put the vet in the car, he was getting old

And I brought to the Cat's

The cat was very nice about it as I sat the vet

on the table and the cat patted his head

And stroking his ears

The vet seemed to like it and calmed down

And then the Cat administered the deadly serum

Joke 621

 What type of behaviour do fishmongers exhibit?

Selfish behaviour

Tom Saucepan

 Clemens was born at the age of 100 and wanted to be a steamboat pilot. He trained as a pilot on a steamboat when he was 81 years old. He got his license 2 years later at the age of 79. He married Alveria and they had 4 old age children. After being a successful writer during his 60s, 50s and 40s in which he based many of his novels on his old ages as a steamboat pilot. His 30s and 20s saw him lauded as one of the country's most prominent writers of children's fiction for adult. Though he looked comical he actually took himself very seriously, writing serious comedy for very silly serious-minded people. He tragically died at the age of 0.

Joke words

 Antonym and Cleopatre

a history of the opposites of Roman Gods, Egyptian dieties

Partner's hip

or partners hip

a sign post for a hipster campaign

and you do it again

and again

scarcity - a very frightening city

Hole and Corner

hole and corner

Take me there in fires

Swear

The bold and free of purgatory

Hole and corner

Fear

Ship them off to foreign shore

Make me soft

In the cure

Take my heart and blur

The boundaries

Fire me steel in the foundries

Pumping iron

And the bellows

Scorching heat in hell's belows

Fired goodbyes and so long so's

Shake my hand when you say hello

But wake me when you wave my grave

I have no flowers in the shade

Cut the sun like a yoke

And pour me some

Like a joke

Hole and corner

Oh John Thorner

Pulled his thumb out

Of the plumb

love is a Joke

 King concrete - a cement shop name

And this is the final of the men's 100m spurt

What do you call a large ape who has got stuck on a building site?

King concrete

I saw a man dressed as a bird walking down the street

I told him to stop making a tit out of himself

I just spotted a tit flock down on the Hamwall nature reserve, and now it turns out they have built a large car park to encourage even more tits to flock there! At least I think that's what it's there for.

They think she killed her husband by breece block, but they have no _________ evidence.

Are you looking for Kongcrete evidence? Well look no further try new King Kongcrete

What do you call the shape of an ape who has fallen onto a pavement?

Kongcrete

Which Greek Island is home to a heavy ape? Kongcrete island

That Police officer looks very attractive at the moment

Yes she is arresting isn't she

Of time and chance

by any chance

chop and change

name and shame

time and a half

times have changed

give me a fighting chance

not a chance

you've got to pick and choose

It's a song and dance

But you've got to be in it to win it

to stand a chance

You don't have to name and shame

I did things wrong, I cheated the game

He came out trumps

She was shot down in flames

It gives me goose bumps

To try to say her name

And it's not what she claims

I didn't shoulder the blame

It was not me who pulled the trigger

It was not me who killed the dame

But the writing's on the wall

For to be seen by one and all

For they name and shame

Both him and her

When love's a losing game

joke 123

 I'm an out of practise dentist

I need to brush up on my skills

Backstabber

 My back hurt me the other day

It was back with a vengeance

Dinosaur Dreaming

 I was running in a dream

And suddenly I was out of breath

I stopped and turned around to see a giant 

rib cage chasing  me

Containing the most enormous pair of lungs

I'd ever seen in my life!

It was then I realised 

I'd been running in

Thoracic Park

Joke 350 Cannibal

 Cannibalism between friends, well you've got to make friends meat haven't you. 

Cannibalism among stranger, they told me I had to get out and start meating new people

Damien Rice wrote a song called Cannibal too:

There's still a little bit of your taste in my mouth
Still a little bit of you laced with my doubt
It's still a little hard to say what's going on

There's still a little bit of your ghost, your witness
Still a little bit of your face I haven't kissed
You step a little closer each day
That I can't say what's going on

Stones taught me to fly
Love, it taught me to lie
Life, it taught me to die
So it's not hard to fall
When you float like a cannibal

There's still a little bit of your song in my ear
There's still a little bit of your words I long to hear
You step a little closer to me
So close that I can't see what's going on

Stones taught me to fly
Love, it taught me to lie
Life taught me to die
So it's not hard to fall
When you float like a cannibal

Stones taught me to fly
Love, it taught me to cry
So come on courage, teach me to be shy
'Cause it's not hard to fall
And I don't wanna scare her

It's not hard to fall
And I don't wanna lose
It's not hard to grow
When you know that you just don't know

Joke 351

 It was a very adequate aquaduct said the Roman Aquinus Adenoides.