Climate change carol

 Wishing for a warm Christmas with no ice upon the trees

There'll be no need for log fires

It will be 35 degrees

And Rudolph will need a shave

Better get a camel in for hire

Because the climate change is coming

Nothing left to save from the fire

Well be hanging up our flip flops

Dressing up in shorts, 

We'll be as hot as rhyming hip-hops

Running in our JD sports

If you hear us carolling, 

It'll have Caribbean tingle

And the Jamaican rum barrelling

Will be our tropical jingle-jangle-jingle 

Light up the barbie we're going

Down under

It's blistering in Tinsel town 

And the decked halls are full of crazy thunder

Breaking all our humid brows

Under the mistletoe

kissing hot lips on cold ships

As the hair dryer wind blows

Up along the scorching streets

And whistles through the windows

Holly wreaths on the doors of nuclear families

Like in a nuclear fall out all sing so happily

Merry atomic baubles to you

I can't see a Partridge sitting in the tree

It's either fallen off his perch

Or flown North to the Arctic sea

Where glaciers are researched

But no scientist has found them yet

They are lost like needle in the burning haystack

Of the gulf stream jet

No more frost on window panes 

but the sea level is rising

Soon it'll be flowing up the country lanes

But let's not be the doom Sayers

Or merchants of ungrounded fears

There'll still be Mark's and Spencer's

And you'll have time to buy some beers

Just relax on your sofa while it's floating

And switch on the King's speech

Hell be uttering he's not for voting

In a climate where miscreants preach

And the equator is sweltering

There are forests on the Poles

And we'll all be for tightening our purse strings

While watching our pennies fall through ozone holes

The twelve days of Christmas revisited

 On the first day of Christmas my true love sent to me

a Koala in a gum tree

On the second day of Christmas my true love sent to me

Two polar bears

And a koala in a gum tree

On the third day of Christmas my true love sent to me

Three arctic foxes

Two polar bears

And a koala in a gum tree

On the fourth day of Christmas my true love sent to me

Four snow leopards

Three arctic foxes

Two polar bears

And a Koala in a gum tree

On the fifth day of Christmas my true love sent to me

Five Forest fires 

Four snow leopards

Three arctic foxes

Two polar bears

And a Koala in a gum tree

On the sixth day of Christmas my true love sent to me

Six glaciers glazing

Five forests fires

Four snow leopards

Three arctic foxes

Two polar bears

And a Koala in a gum tree

On the seventh day of Christmas my true love sent to me

Seven seas arising

Six glaciers glazing

Five forest fires

Four snow leopards

Three arctic foxes

Two polar bears

And a Koala in a gum tree

On the eighth day of Christmas my true love sent to me

Eight deserts dying

Seven seas arising

Six glaciers glazing

Five forest fires

Four snow leopards

Three arctic foxes

Two polar bears

And a Koala in a gum tree

On the ninth day of Christmas my true love sent to me

Nine rains a raging

Eight deserts dying

Seven seas arising

Six glaciers glazing

Five forest fires

Four snow leopards

Three arctic foxes

Two polar bears

And a Koala in a gum tree

On the tenth day of Christmas my true love sent to me

Ten Hurricanes hurling

Nine rains a raging

Eight deserts dying

Seven seas arising

Six glaciers glazing

Five Forest fires

Four snow leopards

Three arctic foxes

Two polar bears

And a Koala in a gum tree

On the eleventh day of Christmas my true love sent to me

Eleven women weeping

Ten Hurricanes hurling

Nine rains a raging

Eight deserts dying

Seven seas arising

Six glaciers glazing

Five forest fires

Four snow leopards

Three arctic foxes

Two polar bears

And a Koala in a gum tree

On the twelfth day of Christmas my true love sent to me

Twelve men mismanaging

Eleven women weeping

Ten Hurricanes hurling

Nine rains a raging

Eight deserts dying

Seven seas arising

Six glaciers glazing

Five forest fires

Four snow leopards

Three arctic foxes

Two polar bears

And a Koala in a gum tree

At the end of the year

 Corn Stalks fall at the end of the year

and the crown of thorns bleeds in the ear

And the Holy sworn are not here or near

As the corn stalks fall at the failure of the years

And the brown earth mourns

And the leaves they cheer, for the end of the earth

The end of the year

And they hunker in holes, and they hold us so near

Where the corn stalks fall at the end of the year

And the teeth they rot and they go back to the ground

And the farmer's lot is not to be found

And the crows in the cot, and doves make their sound

At the end of the year when the leaves all turn brown

When the leaves all turn brown

And the sloes do come out

And the black berry's crown and then they do shout

And the willows they whisper and the birches they breathe

And the wind is a lister of the hills on its knees

And the nettles they sang and they danced in the breeze

And its all going down like a ship on the seas

Where the leaves turn brown and they catch in the eaves

And the corn storks fall down with their ears and their sheaves

And are scattered to the floor where the Robins are thieves

And they glean and they go, in step and toe, 

finding what they can find and never know

And they haul all the ground, and hold up the snow

As the corn stalks turn brown at the end of the show

Yes, the year's closing down, and everything must go

Ryme and Reason

 Oh the church bells chime

As the tap dancers clap

Foot against pine

In the old methodist hall

And the old piano drops

Pounding notes that fall

Like hammers down a well

Oh the Rhyme and reason of it all

What, where how and why

Of Christian beliefs or

Children who try

To dance in time to the teacher's call

Oh how we try, we do not sigh

The rhyme and reason of it all

Money

 The money we had and money we spent

The money, the money anyway

The money had come, and money did go

And the funny thing was on with the show

Oh on with the show, while the money does last

When the money gets thin, the money shall blast

Away all your hopes and your dreams in the clay

Oh the money did come and it went away

I am reaching for money, I am reaching for hope and glory

I am reaching in the pot of honey, at the end of the rainbow

Oh the money did come and the money did go

And the money never lasted so on with the show

And some people put the money above all

And some people reach and others they fall

Money, money, money and the castles of sand

That fall to the shore when the waves crash and land

Money is a bitch and money is a beach, 

And money is funny and so out of reach

Money comes and goes, just like the passing ships

Money is rich, money it skips

Money it plays, plays down the land

It plays in the rich, the rich fat hand

It falls from the sky, like manna of gold

It falls like the sunlight falls in the folds

Somethings it stays on, and somewhere it goes

Money it comes and money it goes

I want to be an artist and paint its portrait

I don't know if it'd be an ugly man of hate

It don't know if it'd be an innocent child

Who knows not what it does to the world and the wild

Money it should be put behind bars

It should be banned, like speeding cars

But money it will live on, long after I die

Money it comes, falls out of the sky

Some are rich and some are poor

And some want to fly and some want no more

Some have enough, and some don't have any

And some count on love, while others count the pennies 

work in progress

 I've got to tell you about how it came about

The nails were clawing

And the claw hammer did shout

On the snare drum appalling

The singers voice was flat

Then flouting indifference

In a hat after that

I must also mention he loved me

She said

The wood in the garden

Lawn mower in the shed

The eyes of an eagle circled above

But the property ladder was a

Tight fitting glove

Stair way to heaven

And a staircase in Clevedon

And Portishead predicted

The slow rebirth

The steamers were steaming

Ferries crossed the Severn

Chains were hauled by dockers

Sheep talk

 Don't you pull the wool over my eyes

I can tell a wolf from a sheep

And to me it comes as no surprise

To find you're not little Bo Peep

But a scud missile from the skies

Oh the castle keep is seized

And the sheep fold it is rustled

And the mast of the ship is leased

To the Captain who is puzzled

And I follow but I keep

My head away from flies

And I am still among the sheep

Sleep walking in Western lies

In all but one of the cases

I have run out of spaces

And parked my teeth

Into the coconut shies

And then I saw a rainbow

 I was down on my luck

I thought I was a goner

I was going down hill

Like a runaway truck

I took out my dollar bill

And looked through the honour

Just then I saw a rainbow

And the sun shone through

The fires on the mountain were smoking

The smoke clouds blocking my vision

And the in and out of the country scout

Burned my ears with his joking

I sunk down on my knees in derision

I thought it all was doom and gloom

And then I saw a rainbow 

And the sun shone through

Small Talk

 What's the weather like?

What's the weather like?

How you doing?

What's the weather?

I bought a new car,

No you didn't

Yeah I bought a new car 

It's a Nissan

No you didn't

Yes I did

What's it like then?

Quite good.

How's your cat?

Yeah she's well

How's your cat?

Yeah I just said she's swell

No you said she's well.

Yeah and what's your problem?

Well that's no kind of answer... for a cat!

I mean she could be better I suppose, she seems pretty happy

all in all, she sleeps a lot.. Look,why so many questions?

It's called small talk

Oh cool, I'm down with that..

Are you? Because you don't seem that good at it?

I just need practice that's all.

Ask me something then?

How's the family?

Oh yeah, they're fine

That's nice.

Yeah it is, look what time does this meeting start?

5 minutes.

Oh God 5 minutes, look sorry I've got to go and make a cuppa, I'll be back.

Sure, no problem, leave me just like that.

Look we're just chatting, aren't we?

No we're making small talk, nothing's more important than that!

Oh I see, I didn't realize you felt like that about it.

Well I do.

Ok I won't leave you pal, no worries.

Ok thanks.

How's the weather there then?

Look sorry I've a call on the other line, I'll call you back.

Ok no worries, see you later.

Yeah, uh huh...

I long for the mountains

 I long for the mountains

Where the grizzly bears roam

Where there's wood on the fire

And a path made of stone

Oh I long for the mountains

The mountains of home

Where the wood chucks twitter

And call out in tin tones

Where the miner's gold glitters

in the pans full of loam

Oh I long for the mountains

The mountains of home

I long for the mountains

where the fountains they shiver

And you drink up the water foam

Where the trees stand and quiver

And the leaves they shimmer like chrome

I long for the mountains of home

Where there's snow on the caps

And there's ice in the stream

And you know all the maps

And the mice all look keen

On the mountain, where the grizzly bears

roam

I long for the mountains, the mountains of home

Where the kettle's on the fire

And the metals in the ground

And the beef is on the wire

And the moles are in the mound

I long for the mountains

The mountains of home

Where the dogs in the yard

And it's chasing the cat

Where the hogs looking hard 

At the man in the hat

And the child's a sleep under the piano

I long for the mountains

The mountains of home

Where the wind whispers softly 

Through the trees on the river

Where the father of time

He cries stand and deliver

And all of the pines beside they quiver

Oh I long for the mountains

The mountains of home

On The Edges

 It's on the edges of things you find out what's true

It's on the edges of things

Said the crow

You find out what you already know

Edges, and sedges and hedges

Those are places where the wind blew

On the edges of things

Life is free to happen

Out where things cross lines

And borders and countries

That's the reality

It's on the edges of things

Where the dandelions grows

Where the ducks are in a flux

And the bee stuffs its nose

It's on the edges, in sedges, in hedges

It's on the edges of things 

That life really shows

In dragon fly fledges, in Lily pad pledges

In sedges, in hedges

On the edges of things

Is that your sex face?

 Is that your sex face she said to me

Because I think I've seen it

Somewhere on TV

Yes that was me I said with glee

You can turn me on

You can make me pee

In a golden rain of ecstasy

But first get me my brolly

My kingdom for a brolly

Oh it never rains but it pours

When you're doing sex tours

They should make new discoveries

Upon nudist colonies

Oh the natives came running 

Throwing their "spears" at Columbus

And he had to shoot them all

With his enormous blunderbuss

Was it my fault they ran at me he said

Quite miffed

All I did was set anchor at their shores

He said as their bodies bloodied up the cliffs

Oh sex and death and all of this

It really is a case of hit and miss

If you hit death you miss sex

And vice versa I guess

Though like a hit and run accident

She lay there bleeding

And I said I have forgotten my feeling

Let my put my death mask on

Ah now ask me again is that your sex face son?

I shall say yes, indeed it is

As there is no difference

In this petit mort

Except to let out breath and snort

Or gruffly guffaw like a lion or pig

Is that your sex face?, well yes I believe it is

Freeze dried

 tooting cartoon in his tomb

He knew how to relax

He was sure of death and taxes

Because he was freeze dried

Oh Maslow was an Egyptian with

His pyramid of needs

But you watch him turn to stone

When his account bleeds

Because he was freeze dried

Well the coffee in my cup

It comes straight from the beans

But it is not black but colour I have seen

Because it was freeze dried

Well I met the thief in the bar

And went home with him

In the get away car

He sure was as grim as coal tar

 BUT  he was freeze dried

Buttocks

 You buttocks, your buttocks

Your shins and your sandals

Your pins and your vandals

Your scandals of sleaze

Your buttocks or shuttocks

Or closeted muttocks

And tussocks of fussocks

And closets of ease

Oh come from your buttocks

Speak forth your rude shocks

ruttocks and rollicks and rolling your cheese

Down hillocks and hussocks

And hattocks and haystacks

And bayracks, and may slacks

In feysacks of peas

Or pick strawberry tea cakes

Remonstrance bees wax

Or flea tax on market,

Oh do park it please

Your buttocks I mean

Down on your seats

And now you are seated

Then listen well to me

buttocks

futtocks

hammocks

hat tricks

headstocks

shamrocks

bannocks

buttock

cassocks

destocks

Shepton Show

 A is for apple

Just a pure comedy song

Just the way we can grapple for where we go wrong

Live and be merry

Die and get long

Like the shadows in the orchards

When I was young

Cow play of the herd

Instinct, moo movement

Turd ringlet, who ever heard

Of a bull

With a ring in the end of his nose?

Shire horses suffolks

Built like tree trunks and their buttocks

Not even the endless toning in a gym

Could come up to the mark on him

His great grand daddy was an American Stallion

Brought over by the owners

Mustang, no mustang Sally

Drive your rodeo out of town

Clip, clop, tightly prigged

Pony tails of the braids

Like their riders so tight lipped with bit in mouth

And dressage horses,

slim of ankle

Not these tanks,

They have no fur for the clay earth

To clog in

Shoed

The reality of man!

Don't take your trash out

With me inside the can

I don't want to make a mistake but

I think I need a plan

I need to escape from

The Reality of Man

I try to see through your eyes

What I need to be

I don't know if I can

Or its possibility

There really should be 

much more to life than this

Oh I'm trying to escape

The Reality of Man

I need you to understand 

the home of the free

Is a place that I want to go

Whether you are with me

It is in my future plan

How motherly

I can't quite understand

The reality of man

Hope is a chariot that burns across the sky

And every fire fly lands in my eye

Anytime wisdom comes stepping at my door

I must say to wisdom I don't want you no more

Come take my hand, I'm waiting for you

To be wondering sweetly what we should do

And I hold out my best foot, and put it to the ground

And we walk down the aisle of

The reality of man!

Can you swing softly across

The barricade 

Where the wars and the bullets

Are all just manmade

And nothing in this nature can 

Follow this plan

That's why I must escape from

The Reality..

The reality of man

Oh you maybe a leader

Of men or of fate

You can be the seeder 

of love or of hate

Just wait your turn

And mind you aren't late

For there's a train leaving nightly

From the citadel's gates

Don't shoot the messenger

You know his life's bate

To catch the truth teller

Who lies on a silver plate

 You shouldn't try and do things 

just because you can

You need an escape from

The Reality of man

Cosmic lightning crashing

Sprite, elves and blue jets

Dancing in the thrashing

Thunder in the vets

Dogs howling outright

Will be your best friend if he can

But even he must escape from

The reality of man! 

Life will do you in

 Life will do you in

Every last little sin

That you can't be without

That you can't be within

Every laughing lout

In the Tavern inn

Life will do you in

Hear the postman shout

A letter for Miss Gin

Are you in or are you out

He's no doubt

That she is in

Life will do you in

In the news

 Well it's all in the news

Yes it's all in the news

Yes you can talk softly or follow your muse

You can walk down

Long winding views

But word will get out

Yes it's all in the news

It's all in the news, yes it's all in news

The simple life's quashed, underfoot it's bruised

You can pull on your strings

And make puppets to amuse

But don't wait to look, for it's all in the news

The city sleeps softly

Like a shallow stream

Waking at the noises come

Into its dream

Well you can set foot or try to lose

But the fox hound will catch you

And you'll be in the news

Their leaders mean to puzzle you

To outwit or confuse

Nothing's clear nowadays

They will lie and abuse

Only hold a lamp up to each word they say

Take it with a pinch of salt

Maybe the truth will have its day

It's all in the news, yes it's all in the news

They will take you to the mountain

And they will make you pray

And if there is no fountain

For to drink from or pay

Throw your money in your shoes

For a rainy day

It's all in the news, yes it's all in the news, they say

You can treat them kindly

But more will come your way

You can beat them harshly

With the soul of your blues

But the stain never vanishes

Yes it's here to stay

Cos it's all in the news, it's all in the news

They'll write the last word

On the letter of the day 

the whole hog

 You only went half a pig

I was giving it big

I went the whole hog

No snuggery fig

I went the whole hog

The full grog

I went Phileas Fogg

On the world's cog

I didn't go quarter llama

I went full pyjama

I went whole moon

no semi sunrise monsoon

Pigs might fly

Well why can't I?

I went the whole hog

I tried to take it full pelt

Put my pedal to the metal

I was going full tilt

No piggy in the middle

Full dress no tartan kilt

I went the whole hog

Not playing leap frog

On the bottom of the bill

I was the last act

I had time to kill

I needed to check my facts

It was not unfulfilled

I completed my contract

I went the whole hog

I got fully skilled

But it was show time

In the paddy field

I had to pick rice

To make my meal

But it was versa vice

Not a mixed deal

There was no sacrifice

I was not half peeled

I sucked on bitter lemons

I swallowed bitter pills

I went to seven elevens

With fifty dollar bills

And climbed the stairs to heaven

Though some I skipped

I spilled

The milk for the cat

Who never learnt to heel

She had 9 lives

But I knew summer's chilled

The lives that made that

Out of earshot revealed

I went the whole hog

now nothing's left concealed

bird woman

 The woman who turned into a bird

Haven't you heard

She lay down in bed to rest her head

And awoke in a flutter of feathers

From her skin had grown quills

And like the ribs of Adam

Given her chills

In the fridge of Iron

Railings that made her bed

She sprang from the springs

And onto her wings

Turning wildly up in the air

Knocking off vases from places

Then she flew down the stairs

And out of the door 

To the new morning thaw

As the sun called her

Up to the sky

She was free as a bird

Unchained from the woman

to whom she said good bye