They found a Roman Legionnaire
underneath Dobbies Garden centre
But they left him lying there
Did not disturb his bones
But it was a big cover up
Because the Roman had clones
Yes and they all woke up
From their Romano tombs
Some were shell shocked
Some they were mushroomed
Each of them had a gold cup
And a steel blade for their slumber
And it lasted 2000 years
Or a similar Snow White indexed number
For this is no fairy tale
But a real regale of regalia
Of authentic artifacts
A case so hard to crack
That it took a Dobbies employee
To discover it in fact
At night the garden centre comes alive
with 30 legionnaires all dressed to the knives
With their shining armour
And helmet beehives
Ready to do war with a rollicking rumba
These skeletons dance and jive up the aisles
The music comes on over the tannoy dials
And skating, skedaddling their general dives
On his knees like a dad at a wedding
They have no one to battle
But he marshals his troops
Like a herd of cattle
They fart and poop
Out the metal
Of their chain mail hoops
And scatter the kettles
And the reindeer loops
They love the garden centre
Such green thumbs have they
Well is it any wonder
Since they've been buried in clay
For the last 2000 years
Why didn't you hear me say?
No of course not, where's the evidence
I think I hear you say!
Well it comes from one Catriona Smith
Who works in Dobbies Canteen, no myth
She washes knives and forks and collects up
Used dishes
She takes stock out of chillers cold
The shelves she replenishes
Nothing she hasn't seen before
The young and the old
The tedium and exciting moments
Of a Dobbies Emporium
But a conundrum, a paradox
A tale of the here after
She never thought
She'd be the one the butt of laughter
And jokes of disbelieving listeners
But laugh at her they sure do
For they don't believe the story
Of the night she worked the midnight crew
She was in there at ten in the evening
The lights shone brightly, the shelves were a gleaming
The stock needed replenishing it was Christmas leading
And she needed the extra money, her bank balance was bleeding
Then her manager phoned in sick for the evening
He was meant to assist with the stacking and heaving
But at 5 to midnight she found herself with a whole load to do
And nobody to help, or nobody she knew!
For there was a silence then
The air was still, you could hear a pin drop
On to the cash till
Then she heard bebop
and in her veins her blood started to chill
Who was it at this time of night
Turned on the musical bill?
But it wasn't very long that she was kept waiting to reveal
Who the culprits of this misdemeanor were for down soon went the deal
The skeletons came out the closet, quite literally and real
They were rising from the floor board hatches
and secret ceiling seals
Romans on the carpet, the royal reds of Caesar
Romans on the parapet, the purples of Mona Lisa
And Leonardo Da Vinci could have painted the picture
But as it was Dan Brown was mad he hadn't been there
For Catriona Smith was the only Dobbie bobby to feature
Then the thing she saw was beating deep in their chest cavities
The Roman heart of victory that had witnessed such depravities
began them dancing on Dobbies wares
They danced upon the coat hangers, and around picture frames
They tripped upon glass mirrors, shattering into shards
They even brought down paint thinners like a house of cards
They say people in glass houses shouldn't throw stones
But what of these bunch of bowsers bowling all their bones?
They rolled each other like bowling balls
Down the skittle alleys
And stood each up like king pins, into bony towers
They took for granted nothing
Not even meteor showers
And Halley's comet sure could plummet
The rise and fall of worldly powers
These Romans they had seen it all
And even got the T-shirt
But these weren't buried under JD sport
But Dobbies so they were having a ball
Now these jolly band of brothers
Wanted no more of the action
But that didn't mean they didn't like
A little midnight interaction
And as garden centres went Dobbies weren't the worst
They just dug the dirt on Damien Hirst
And even uncle Bulgaria
They sure had a few hobbits caught down in their holes
And probably a borrower in a supporting role
Then the skeletons they looked at her, and best they could they glared
But she fixed their steely gazes, while on the back of neck raised hairs
And we all knew what she wanted was a payrise, this wasn't fair
The managers only paid her time and half for being there
Supervising the undead who looked like trouble-makers
As it was they had pulled out plugs and become bone-rattle shakers
But what has management ever cared for her?
She loved her job, but surely this went above what duty had called for?
But the skull brained craniums just looked at her then their General stepped forth
We are the Roman Legion of Sheptonia Britannica you may call us the "Twenty Fourth"
We came her in the year AD24 under the leadership of Emperor Claudius
ruler of the Gauls, the tribal brawls and Germanic hordes never beat us
Then we came to Briton and met the Celts on their Green Belts who refused to respect us
You see they had their Gods and fields of sod, and were cider drinkers
It seemed to us this made them cuss and also quite strange thinkers
Their roads were bendy as a Cheshire cat's smile, and went on a country mile
Once we'd conquered them we had to straighten them, give it to 'em Fosseway style
Nothing wrong with a Roman Road make 'em long and wide
However when it comes to the Roman Nose there's a chink to the side
It goes straight and then it dog legs as a bow-legged bride
Anyway it was Aquiline, it let's the water run off the roof
Like a drain-pipe if one needs an analogy wherein lies the proof
And also it gave us pause for thought how else could water travel
Like the river on its course it meanders and it unravels
But what if force of engineering could make it just go straight
Or over roofs and houses where it had flooded of late
And so we invented the aqueducts, viaducts and arches
Bridges over troubled waters, where calmer water marches
And so we transformed the town of Shepton with hammer-axes
And built the mills to pay the bills of the Emperor's taxes
But we were killed by rebels filled with resentment at the Roman rules
These Celts felt they never knelt to kings from foreign climes, the fools
But sure enough we were stuffed and buried in our britches
And we had slept well for 2000 years hear tell beside the fosseway ditches
What we dreamt we could never say but to have good soak in Bath
Aqua Sulis was our idea of a holiday a time to relax and laugh
I'd say that was the best contribution, we ever made to Great Briton
Well you can call me General dogs body, but I canine remember any better
An invention we gave to this island of Celtic whelps, no better help
But if you want us to give a Christmas present we'll tidy up your shelves
If you promise to get us a ticket to Glastonbury festival we'll be Santa's little elves
So what could Catriona do? She looked at the exit, she looked at the loo
She looked at her bank balance and it almost broke her heart
But if she abandoned the shift now, she knew she'd depart
And have no job over Christmas, so she stepped up to the plate
And with courage and gusto, told the skeleton crew not to wait
We have to make this store ready by tomorrow morning
So I'm commissioning you good Romans but I give you a warning
I'll get you all jobs on security or litter collection
for I have some strings to pull and some good connections
But Glastonbury can be a quagmire, full of mud and bodies
And if you don't all pull together there'll be a pile of blood and squaddies
Pooled all out over the pilton fields, 200,000 visitors all looking for a meal
So the Romans agreed to her terms and her need,
and made damn sure they helped her
For though in purse strings she was poor,
in people she knew more
Than the neurons in the brain had connections indeed
In the end the Dobbies garden centre legionnaires
Cleaned up well, tidied all the shelves
Put out the Christmas stock and respected themselves
And as the sun rose up, they returned down their wells
And bid her farewell and and returned to where they dwelled
Catriona was beside herself with relief,
and happiness of course that nothing had come to grief
Her job was still hers the store looked pristine
The skeletons had mopped and polished everything clean
When her manager walked in he thought he was in a dream
And on the spot Catriona demanded a pay rise for what he'd seen
And an increase for all employees on the night shift team
For there were some bumps in the night if you know what I mean
So next time you think to yourself "What did the Romans ever do for us?"
Just check the viaducts, the straight roads, the Roman Baths and busts
And if you ever visit the festival show respect to crews
Who organize and supervise, empty bins and clean the loos
They may be Roman soldiers from two millenia back
Or they may just be a bunch of hippies who enjoy good old scrumpy jack
