At Death's door

 I was at death's door

Knocking to come in

Cryin' what about love and what about Sin

Well I knocked so loud cried:

 Won't you let me in

I was at death's door knockin to come in

They said

Have you bent your ear

Or taken it on the chin

When I was at death's door

Knockin'

to come in

Well I cried so loud

There's a wolf out here

And he's howlin' loud

Won't go away

But they said keep that wolf at bay

I cried how

They said hey

Won't you tell me what I can do about that?

I said aloud

But my voice fell flat

Funereal Farce

It's what he would have wanted

A queue of traffic 500 m long

Down a narrow ridge road

With barely enough space for cars to pass

It came to pass

That as he passed

And the funeral guests arrived

The mourners in their Toyotas and Hyundais

In their Vauxhalls and their SUVs

In their Ford's and Mazdas and Minis

That the poor man who was the star of the show

Could not get to his own cremation on time

The hearse was blocked in

The hearse reversed, it shunted forward

Inch by creeping inch

At a snail's pace

Even slower than the slowest mourners

looking for the last parking space

And what is the world coming to?

When you can't even get to your own funeral for congestion

 Honestly

But it's what he would have wanted isn't it?

For all these well wishers, with tears in their eyes

And expensive looking suits

Setting trends in funereal fashion

To drive, all individually to his cremation

On the Mendip hills

Now that's using your head!

And who said tiredness kills

And as the body lifts and bends from the pelvis

As if to make one final point "and another thing!"

In the burning holocaust of the furnace

"Stop driving to funerals!"

Then as flesh melts from bone

and bone crumbles

The skeleton falls

Apart

And what advice he would give

Would we listen now?

No longer human in form

Perhaps once the flesh was willing

But the spirit?

Oh Brother

 The graves are getting dug

Please put a penny in the old man's cup

If you haven't got a penny a ha'penny will do

If you haven't got a ha'penny

well God bless you

The cemetery flashed in the lightning storm

The bells rung out

Some were stirring

Who were not dead

Almost dead

For they'd been buried long enough

Buried alive that is

It wasn't hard to see, but they didn't

Have the checks nor the technology

To find out if he were really gone

So they sewed him up

He grappled he said

What an accident

Underground

The grave diggers did wrong

Oh brother, Oh brother

Where art though

Brothers in arms we are

All until they close the door

And shovel the soil

A top the grave

Then we we will spoil

Unless we be saved

But somebody has to do it

This job

Oh brother 

Once or twice they did it

Saved by the bell,

When the doctors got it wrong

And pronounced them dead

Then when they wake they're in hell

In a six foot down bed

But at least they could pull the chain

And let them know up on the living land

Because it must take some doing

To dig yourself out by hand

Once I dropped my mobile phone

Down into the grave

I didn't know that I'd done it

Until I got home

And then there was a silence on the waves

But you cannot exhume an old phone

And you shall not disturb the dead

Even if they answer from the other side

The call charges are extortionate to the Afterlife

Seriously grave matter

 They nearly put me in my grave

I was an archaeologist working in Italy

On an ancient burial ground

The sky turned black

And I was on my back

Just another piece of lost and found

Searching for a body

Anybody down there

Shake my hand

The weather's grand

Living without a care

Dying to get out tonight

You can't go out when you're dead

Looking for some kind of light

Trying to straighten out my head

Don't put Truespeed in my grave

 They send Truespeed through my grave

They send Truespeed to my grave

I was trying to get a moments rest

Then this buzzing came into my nest

They send Truespeed through my grave

I worked my whole life long

Just to sing you this song

Can't you see I don't need it anymore

I got no need for your speed

I've already left the shop floor

You don't want to disturb the departed anymore

Don't you wish you were down here with me

Just lying in rest for eternity

And how would you feel if someone came up to your plot

And started to dig a hole in the only soul you've got

Oh don't put True speed through my grave, don't put Truespeed through my grave

Come on now Dave don't put Truespeed through my grave

Don't put Truespeed through my grave, don't put truespeed in my cat

don't put Truespeed anywhere near that, hello cat

Ah you can dig up all the gardens, you can dig up all the drains

Even concrete hardens under the falling rains

Break apart the roads, or carry heavy loads

But don't you put true speed in my grave

There has gotta be one place on this fine earth

That I can get away from the internet of worth

Just don't put Truespeed in my grave

Oh such a quiet place it was when I first came here

Hardly anyone around me, no nobody was near

But then they kept on dying and filling up the plots

And I'm only sighing because its the only thing I've got

Oh Give me peace and quiet, 

Give me peace and eternal rest

I don't need your digging your drilling I will buy it

Just like I bought the farm and the rest

Oh don't you put Truespeed in my grave

don't you put Truespeed in my grave

I don't need to find the nearest shop to save

my pennies anymore,

 I've got no need for food and anyway I'm far too poor

Yes don't put Truspeed in my, don't put Truspeed in my,

don't put Truespeed in my grave

I don't need to follow the football on sky TV

I don't need  three, four or even five G

There's no need for broadband

And I can dial up for free

I count on my fingers oh one two three

don't you put Truespeed, don't you put Truespeed  in my grave

I've got a direct line to God

I don't need no internet provider to tell me how it's shod

Or give me a good footing

in six foot of soil

I don't want to foot the bill

For all your toil

don't put Truespeed  in my grave

 I've got much less than I had before

But in many ways I've got so much more

Yes I've got my peace and quiet 

and I'm left in peace yes

I just hope that they don't start the digging that will never cease

Don't put True speed in my grave

Not yet

The red night setting

The lights are getting dim

I'm like a field mouse 

And the thresher, the thresher is setting in

The storm is blowing wetter

And I'm soaked to the skin

Well I'm getting better, I bet

But I'm not there yet

The fireflies are fighting

With spitfires in the din

The kettle is testing the metal

Of the pressure cooker it is in

The tyres loose their fetters

And the wheels wildly spin

Well I would let her write me a letter of regret

But I'm not there yet

Don't forget me, I keep saying, repeating like a toy, 

like an action man my setter is set only to destroy

Build a thing, make a win

And hold me close don't be coy

But I ducked the daisy cutter

When she picked me out with joy 

Oh when I met her I was a debtor, 

I will forget her, I will forget

But I'm not there yet