What have the Romans ever done for us?

 They found a Roman Legionnaire

 underneath Dobbies Garden centre

But they left him lying there

Did not disturb his bones

But it was a big cover up

Because the Roman had clones

Yes and they all woke up

From their Romano tombs

Some were shell shocked

Some they were mushroomed

Each of them had a gold cup

And a steel blade for their slumber

And it lasted 2000 years

Or a similar Snow White indexed number

For this is no fairy tale

But a real regale of regalia

Of authentic artifacts

A case so hard to crack

That it took a Dobbies employee

To discover it in fact

At night the garden centre comes alive 

with 30 legionnaires all dressed to the knives

With their shining armour

And helmet beehives

Ready to do war with a rollicking rumba

These skeletons dance and jive up the aisles

The music comes on over the tannoy dials

And skating, skedaddling their general dives

On his knees like a dad at a wedding

They have no one to battle

But he marshals his troops

Like a herd of cattle

They fart and poop

Out the metal

Of their chain mail hoops

And scatter the kettles

And the reindeer loops

They love the garden centre

Such green thumbs have they

Well is it any wonder

Since they've been buried in clay

For the last 2000 years

Why didn't you hear me say?

No of course not, where's the evidence

I think I hear you say!

Well it comes from one Catriona Smith

Who works in Dobbies Canteen, no myth

She washes knives and forks and collects up

Used dishes

She takes stock out of chillers cold

The shelves she replenishes

Nothing she hasn't seen before

The young and the old

The tedium and exciting moments

Of a Dobbies Emporium

But a conundrum, a paradox

A tale of the here after

She never thought

She'd be the one the butt of laughter

And jokes of disbelieving listeners

But laugh at her they sure do

For they don't believe the story

Of the night she worked the midnight crew

She was in there at ten in the evening

The lights shone brightly, the shelves were a gleaming

The stock needed replenishing it was Christmas leading

And she needed the extra money, her bank balance was bleeding

Then her manager phoned in sick for the evening

He was meant to assist with the stacking and heaving

But at 5 to midnight she found herself with a whole load to do

And nobody to help, or nobody she knew!

For there was a silence then

The air was still, you could hear a pin drop

On to the cash till

Then she heard bebop 

and in her veins her blood started to chill

Who was it at this time of night

Turned on the musical bill?

But it wasn't very long that she was kept waiting to reveal

Who the culprits of this misdemeanor were for down soon went the deal

The skeletons came out the closet, quite literally and real

They were rising from the floor board hatches

and secret ceiling seals

Romans on the carpet, the royal reds of Caesar

Romans on the parapet, the purples of Mona Lisa

And Leonardo Da Vinci could have painted the picture

But as it was Dan Brown was mad he hadn't been there

For Catriona Smith was the only Dobbie bobby to feature

Then the thing she saw was beating deep in their chest cavities

The Roman heart of victory that had witnessed such depravities

began them dancing on Dobbies wares

They danced upon the coat hangers, and around picture frames

They tripped upon glass mirrors, shattering into shards

They even brought down paint thinners like a house of cards

They say people in glass houses shouldn't throw stones

But what of these bunch of bowsers bowling all their bones?

They rolled each other like bowling balls

Down the skittle alleys

And stood each up like king pins, into bony towers

They took for granted nothing

Not even meteor showers

And Halley's comet sure could plummet

The rise and fall of worldly powers

These Romans they had seen it all

And even got the T-shirt

But these weren't buried under JD sport

But Dobbies so they were having a ball

Now these jolly band of brothers

Wanted no more of the action

But that didn't mean they didn't like

A little midnight interaction

And as garden centres went Dobbies weren't the worst

They just dug the dirt on Damien Hirst

And even uncle Bulgaria

They sure had a few hobbits caught down in their holes

And probably a borrower in a supporting role

Then the skeletons they looked at her, and best they could they glared

But she fixed their steely gazes, while on the back of neck raised hairs

And we all knew what she wanted was a payrise, this wasn't fair

The managers only paid her time and half for being there

Supervising the undead who looked like trouble-makers

As it was they had pulled out plugs and become bone-rattle shakers

But what has management ever cared for her?

She loved her job, but surely this went above what duty had called for?

But the skull brained craniums just looked at her then their General stepped forth

We are the Roman Legion of Sheptonia Britannica you may call us the "Twenty Fourth"

We came her in the year AD24 under the leadership of Emperor Claudius

ruler of the Gauls, the tribal brawls and Germanic hordes never beat us

Then we came to Briton and met the Celts on their Green Belts who refused to respect us

You see they had their Gods and fields of sod, and were cider drinkers

It seemed to us this made them cuss and also quite strange thinkers

Their roads were bendy as a Cheshire cat's smile, and went on a country mile

Once we'd conquered them we had to straighten them, give it to 'em Fosseway style

Nothing wrong with a Roman Road make 'em long and wide

However when it comes to the Roman Nose there's a chink to the side

It goes straight and then it dog legs as a bow-legged bride

Anyway it was Aquiline, it let's the water run off the roof

Like a drain-pipe if one needs an analogy wherein lies the proof

And also it gave us pause for thought how else could water travel

Like the river on its course it meanders and it unravels

But what if force of engineering could make it just go straight

Or over roofs and houses where it had flooded of late

And so we invented the aqueducts, viaducts and arches

Bridges over troubled waters, where calmer water marches

And so we transformed the town of Shepton with hammer-axes 

And built the mills to pay the bills of the Emperor's taxes

But we were killed by rebels filled with resentment at the Roman rules

These Celts felt they never knelt to kings from foreign climes, the fools

But sure enough we were stuffed and buried in our britches

And we had slept well for 2000 years hear tell beside the fosseway ditches

What we dreamt we could never say but to have good soak in Bath

Aqua Sulis was our idea of a holiday a time to relax and laugh

I'd say that was the best contribution, we ever made to Great Briton

Well you can call me General dogs body, but I canine remember any better

An invention we gave to this island of Celtic whelps, no better help

But if you want us to give a Christmas present we'll tidy up your shelves

If you promise to get us a ticket to Glastonbury festival we'll be Santa's little elves

So what could Catriona do? She looked at the exit, she looked at the loo

She looked at her bank balance and it almost broke her heart

But if she abandoned the shift now, she knew she'd depart

And have no job over Christmas, so she stepped up to the plate

And with courage and gusto, told the skeleton crew not to wait

We have to make this store ready by tomorrow morning

So I'm commissioning you good Romans but I give you a warning

I'll get you all jobs on security or litter collection

 for I have some strings to pull and some good connections

But Glastonbury can be a quagmire, full of mud and bodies

And if you don't all pull together there'll be a pile of blood and squaddies

Pooled all out over the pilton fields, 200,000 visitors all looking for a meal

So the Romans agreed to her terms and her need, 

and made damn sure they helped her

For though in purse strings she was poor, 

in people she knew more

Than the neurons in the brain had connections indeed

In the end the Dobbies garden centre legionnaires

Cleaned up well, tidied all the shelves

Put out the Christmas stock and respected themselves

And as the sun rose up, they returned down their wells

And bid her farewell and and returned to where they dwelled

Catriona was beside herself with relief, 

and happiness of course that nothing had come to grief 

Her job was still hers the store looked pristine

The skeletons had mopped and polished everything clean

When her manager walked in he thought he was in a dream

And on the spot Catriona demanded a pay rise for what he'd seen

And an increase for all employees on the night shift team

For there were some bumps in the night if you know what I mean

So next time you think to yourself "What did the Romans ever do for us?"

Just check the viaducts, the straight roads, the Roman Baths and busts

And if you ever visit the festival show respect to crews

Who organize and supervise, empty bins and clean the loos

They may be Roman soldiers from two millenia back

Or they may just be a bunch of hippies who enjoy good old scrumpy jack