All the beautiful things

 Oh wasn't I mad

About the thrills that we once had

that fingertips were lying

about the time when we went flying

 With you under my wing

 Oh how we did sing about the things

that we would win

And when you were relying

Upon the things I was supplying

Oh the beautiful things

All the beautiful things

I'd like you under my wings

Kept close while we will sing

Of all those beautiful things

And the west wind blows

And I can tell we're a float

Upon a magical boat

in the sky

And the East wind thrills

And it's a battle of wills

And I turn to you and sigh

Oh how it begins

 With the blowing of the four winds

From the corners of the sky

They've locked up all of the things

Oh all the beautiful things

And it makes me want to cry

All the beautiful things

I remember once we had wings

And we used to fly

And now when the North wind blows

I remember those things that I used to know

And the times that seemed to run by

All gone in the blink of an eye

Oh how we did sing

About all the beautiful things

I promised that I would find

The next time I'd fly

The next time I'd fly 

All the beautiful things

I found out when the south wind sings

And the swallow flies up on her wings

Bringing back all those beautiful things

It's just a time, From Winter to Spring

It's just the passing of Summer in rings

Like ripples of a stone in a pond

When the winds of Autumn have begun

And I start to hear the swan sing his song

About the beautiful things of a time once upon

Tell me a fairy tale of a castle in the sky

And the place to which we would fly

To try as time would go by

To find those beautiful things

Elephant in the room

 I am telling you

To hold your horses

Pack up your trunk

Elephant with the invisible feet

Dominating Doom

Elephant, elephant in the room

Russians controlling facebook

Trump in his own twitter tomb

Elephant dominating

Elephant in the chatroom

Oh it's so thick-skinned

Oh you're so big foot cartoon

I can't see your face

But I can hear your bass silently boom

Elephant man, elephant woman too

Elephant, Elephant in the room

Come and break the dam

On my open cast mine

Come and flood the village in Vietnam

Amsterdam or Alabama groom

Always in the shadows

Dominating like doom

Oh you elephant

Elephant in the room

You're the uninvited guest

But you'll be gone pretty soon

Can I use you as an armrest?

Feel free nobody says on zoom

Oh you're the elephant alright

The elephant in the room

Zoom bar

 No more skype in my life

No more zoom in my room

No more teams in my dreams

Break out rooms or sonic booms

No more crossed wires or miscommunications

I'm cutting myself off

From the satellite stations

I'm free floating in Medieval space

just a carrot for company

and a happy life to face

Zombie

 I was dragging my feet

And I had to repeat

All the roads by which I'd come by

That direction of yours

With the closed doors

Boy did I feel like a dumb guy

What is wrong they all said

But I was half dead

I said, can't you tell I'm a Zombie

But then I had to be fed

So I bit off a head

And now that is how I made thumb pie

Well I was dragging my feet

Right down the street

Near the place I was born by

But I had to be sure

So I knocked on the door

And discovered that it was my mum Di

Swan song for the snow geese

 The snow goose had a swan song

She shook the timbers

She shivered the silver locks 

Of the livers of foie gras it

Had yielded her husband and his figures

In the electrical margins

In the circuits of his fingers

And android sheep who creep across the fields at night

Not only has little Bo peep lost her job

She really got a crook in her neck straining

To try and spot any real sheep anymore

They were all artificial lambs to the slaughter

Plastic pigs, and rubber cows

Inflatable guinea fowl

But sheep once thought to be cotton wool clouds

Turned out to be microchipped

Ai generated

Fully self-automated lamb chops

Growing and feeding themselves

But who for?

For us?

Did we really need feeding

Were we worth it

Snowgoose thought to herself

As she flew high above them all

Looking down on creation

Well not so much creation

As replication, regeneration

In the model of human mould

After the flood,

After the sheep had left the fold

After bo peep had grown too bold and set them free

And eieio

Became aiai oh!?

Leaving town

 you know you're meant to hold down a job

To put the jump leads to the dead dog

To afternoon an evening in a mount pleasant

vein

I can't keep saying what I was going to say

She already killed me with her eyes so vain

Hers were the windows of a house of pain

Don't be so dramatic, oh let me explain

It's all so plastic just a weather vane

The leaves of grass have grown again

Did I lose my job in the harvest grain

Did I eat my job or bury my pain

I've eaten my loss, like a moss of stain

It's human to cross the river again

Because the circus is over they've packed up and left town

And I can't shoulder the burden of feeling so down

It's all a charade of the last act of the crown

Leaving this place is tearing me a frown

Across a night of lights falling to ground

And smiles on faces for miles around

 

The last pirate

 The last pirate

Never another came after

He gave up the chains 

and the stinging sun's heat

He sailed away for ten years and a day

To the land where the liver birds squawk

Is it my life, my own

I need to see the seed of change be sown

I must escape the prison island

And go for a long walk

Do I have the courage to make the leap

And swing from the rigging

From this onto another ship

Can I change ships

Should I change mid stream

My prison island is not your island

You are free not like me

The sun is salt licked like the sea

And I tasted freedom's bitter seed

Would I rather die a rock in sand

Or like the wind escape the land

And blow free of the misery within 

This my prison island 

Now we've mutinied and have escaped 

The clutches of the laws red tape 

And moral codes and wrath of grape

Let the chips fall where they may

I've lived too long in chains today 

There's only home I'm going to stay

Whether alive or dead I cannot say

It's the way of the prison island 

Gemstone

 All my friends are out enjoying themselves

I'm here alone looking at shelves

Of books I own, but never really read

About stories of a life well lived

With someone who has some kids

And go on adventures and really have some fun

But I'm sitting here with my meal for one

It's hard to count the reasons why

I've gone wrong and spoilt the sky

Of a beautiful painting of a sea of green

And Azure skies that go by

And I am sure I've said goodbye

To all my bad habits that I used to own

But I know the door I walk back to alone

So take me out of myself

I need to recover my diamond wealth

It's in me sparkling like a gemstone down a mine

And I'm still waiting for the train down the line

I'm looking out and I see a tsunami

A wall of water in my window

And it's growing higher and higher all the time

I know that the time will come when I must leave

And I'll try not to cry my heart on my sleeve

Because I've had all I can now from this town

And I've given to it in equal measure of my own

I don't feel afraid just a little sad to be alone

And regret nothing as long as I've lived the life I own

Every decision has to be made in mind

Of the gemstone down the mine

The Bayeux tapestry blues

Down on the Bayeux

I got the blues

 They've been thatching and hatching

Like I ain't heard the news

Old Harold he rode up

To Stamford Bridge

To fight them Vikings on that ridge

He's got the blues

The broken bayeux bles

Oh who told the story

And who got the news

In them days so old and hoary

Well what have you to choose?

There's them dead soldiers lying there

There's them wives a mourning

There's them babies crying there

They've newly been borning

It's not like I am sighing

I just wish for the warning

That William on the waves

Would soon come a conquering

Perhaps we'd have saved our selves from the thrashing

But as it was some brother got shelved

By another relative's bashing

I got the blues, the british museum bayeux blues

Harrold came down, march ten thousand men

Once they were up, they were up

But once they were down, they were down

And they hardly got up again

So he marched them back to Hastings

And decided on a battle

With William the Norman

Not poor man but foreman

Of a lot of french cattle 

Who stampeded and trampled

Our tired out Harold 

And he got one in the eye

Or so it was claimed

But maybe that's a metaphor 

For Britain being maimed

And him not seeing the danger

But it seems today we're also

Afraid of the stranger

And everyone's running from

Pillar to post

Like Hamlet trying to avenge

Their dead father's ghost

But what have we to win

Or lose in the host

It's just life on the bayeux tapestry 

It's just we've pulled the thread

And lost the plot a while

Got in a muddle the most

Feeling the bruise of Britain's blues

Do we want to be reminded

Of a time we lose 

And we're lost?

Invaded again but this time

At our bidding?

Who are we kidding 

When we aren't defending ourselves?

Our man on Mars

 When I was your man in the moon

I used to look down on you

But that was because you looked up to me

And only greeted me in the dark

When I was your man in the moon

When I was your man on mars

You used to get crazy eyes from the stars

Too much starring at who you think we are

When I was your man on Mars

When I was your man on Neptune

I used to remember being on the moon

For now it is from you I'm so far

Even further than when the man on mars

When I was your man on Venus

It was too hot to handle the mantle of Aeneas

Your eyes were emerald like a monster

And I wished to kiss them closed as a mobster

Pressure rocks

 It's the day of the pressure hike

People can't cope

They've got on their bike

The weather's been riding them high

And hanging them low

Like the interpol

The atmospheric pressure is atomic

The humidity

Is like a tonic clonic

The clinics are burst in the heat

Like expectant mothers ready to beat

The street with their loaves of bread they've baked

Overcooked or even burnt

Something's gone wrong with the circuitry it's buzzing

And fizzing and squirting and flirting with flames

And burning fire and I would complain

But the weathervane told me its warning

I, just like a fool, ignored it, heard the cock crow in the morning

And then it was all over

Judas had already betrayed Jesus

And I did nothing to stop him

I am guilty as a rock

Tomcat

 He's just a Tom cat he's spreading his claws

He's a Tom cat, he's going outdoors

he's trying his luck

he's pushing the flap

nobody told him 

curiosity killed the cat

But perhaps if I didn't judge him so harshly

And throw him out of my flat

I wouldn't be singing a song about him

That wandering Tom cat

I don't know what it is he's wanting

He seems impatient for all of that

I gave him food, he had warmth and coddling

But he's just a restless Tom cat

Open mic nights

 He's your friend

He's my friend

Is he anyone's?

Where does it all end

Don't ask me

I'm only the MC

I'm just behind the scenes

I'm on the beams

I'm the DJ

I don't exist when the music stops

Well none of us do

It's a hard world gone soft

It's the bright lights with the colours toned down

It's I would rather be born

To someone wearing brown

Because the colour of life is in the human interaction

Whether that's a voice singing

Or a glance, an eyebrow raised,

 a leg shifted

The turn of phrase 

It's not in the music

But that is the sauce

Because we all just taste life better

When were in the main course

I don't mean don't pay the piper

I don't mean abandon the band

But the point of going to a music night

Is the whole darn caravan

So don't drown out the conversation

 with too much loud noise

I mean let us enjoy our own company

Not only the sound waves, boys

Keep us together

 Oh try and keep us together

We can't do this on our own

Oh and why can't you try and keep us together

we can't do this on our own

In the night there is a flower

And it blooms inside our room

Oh and in the cold night's hour

I can almost reach the moon

So now why can't you try and keep us together

We can't do this on our own

Anyway you look

It is in the radio's power

To hold you on its hook

Anyway you want

It is in mouth of the Gower

The river's strongest current

And anyhow you mean

I'm looking to a higher power

To give me the courage to lean

back and let it go

So can't you keep us together

We've no way to know

Joke 123

 Austentatious-Appearing like Jane Austen

Catalytic converters or Catholic converters

What do you cook beetroot in? 

Beethoven

Who is the most indestructible British politician?

In Vince Cable in it

Ball park games

 You can't change a heart that's fixed

on being hard

You can't send back to the start

Something that's gone wrong 

so many yards

I threw the ball you caught it

Why we were in the same

ball park

So why did you sell your 

season ticket

To the nearest loan shark

You know you'll want it back

But now with interest

Can't you see you gave up your seat

For the match of the century

I've tried to reason with you

I've eaten the bitter seed

I've tasted what life feels like

Without that kind of need

But there is a feeling inside

That is more than simply greed 

I'm standing in the yard

Rain is falling on my song

I can't remake this art

Into something so strong

Wax on, wax off

 The ear wax consultant fell in love

With a rubber glove

They met in the Ear canal

Upon An aural gondola floating the ear drum

beat loud with her hearts rhythm

thurum, thurum

Until she did succumb

To the wax monster

The slug

 of

Candle plug

She lit the wick

To his dick

And blew it all apart

In a discharge

I was taken off the patient list

I'd overstepped the mark

Ejaculation according to suction

The hum of the speculum

The line was drawn in the sand

But from space it looked like a giant ear

Perhaps the Mayans had ear wax removal too

And knew it to be a

transcendental experience

Help you

 How, how can I help you?

How can I help, he ha ha he help you?

How, ow aw ho, ha how can I

How can I help you?

Being an alcoholic

 Being an alcoholic

You can park right in the space

And wait to go into the meeting

With a smile upon your face

Yes, come join the alcoholics

Oh we're such a happy crew

Everybody in the same boat

It was sinking but who knew?

Being an alcoholic

It's a wonderful thing to be

When you realize what you're missing

Is a life of catastrophe

Yes I say come along to a meeting

Come along today

There's nothing better than sharing

What you'd never say publicly

Just mind when you park your car

All the others have scratches and dents

From all the times the drunken drivers

Have driven their cars into a fence

Don't worry cos most are walking

And some they ride a bike

Because the last time they drove

Off their face the cops knew their like

It's not always so bucolic

Sometimes melancolic

At time maniacal frolics

But I try and keep it on the level

Ready with a bevel

And a cup of tea

But that's what being an alcoholic

Feels like to me

Art wank

 I went to the louvre

And I wanked over the Mona Lisa

I saw Van Gogh's Sunflowers

And whacked off all over them

I Jacked off over a Jackson Pollock

And it made no difference I could see

I masturbated over Matisse's blue nude

And even Monet's water lilies

And then they banned me

What reason did they have?

I was only showing my love for the Arts

Self-expression, that's art, that's all I was doing

You can't ever please some people