Eton Mess

 You can buy your way into England

You can be a great success

But the only thing you need to know

Is how to eat the Eton mess

Oh the Eton mess is never beaten

Oh the Eton mess is the best

There's only one road to the top

And it never stops

Its name is the Eton Express

Don't worry about changing your name girls

Don't think about marrying a lord

The only thing that matters in the whole wide world

Is if you ate at Eton with a knife and fork

No you're never gonna hit the big time

Not with connections like that

It doesn't matter if you're from London

And swam the Thames  from bank to bank

If you speak with an accent

Like Birmingham, or Scottish or Yank

The only things that stand up on the cream 

Are boys from the Eton rank

You can sail in on a ship from Canada

Or come in on the wind from a diaspora

You can serve in the regular army

Or in the Special constabulary

You can dress to impress 

Even marry a Princess

But the only true path to your success

Is to have dined on the Eton mess

Oh perhaps you should have come

In the Norman conquest

When land was free to a stern request

And they cut off your ear

And said listen to me here

We're your guests

Now serve us some of your mess!

Back then the hierarchy started

Stood on another's head until it smarted

Then you can reach the ledge

Of the next social sandwich

Only to find the ones above you have departed

So try to make do or make a mends

If you are of the few or of many friends

Lead a good life away from such strife

Let bygones be bygones until the end

And one thing is true I must confess

I've myself never eaten the Eton mess