joke 123

 I'm an out of practise dentist

I need to brush up on my skills

Magnificat

 What a magnificent cat

What whiskers

What tail

What ears on whose tips

Could turn a full term whale

And what teeth are pointy fangs

For bird pricking

And feathery pangs

What claws scratch under doors

For oils and balls of wool or twine

What a Magnificat

Oh sing to the fat cat upstairs

And All who sleep on window sills

Or upon bare legs sprawl and stare

What cat, that climbs the curtains

What cat that scats and crimes

Like a burglar of the night kind

Shaken but not stirred

By the night's long times

sea biscuit

 Oh the sea in all its flippery

And skippery rhyme

And Majestic Omaha

Of forever pines

And coastal rampages

Punctilious primes

And Rapscallion scales

Pear peppered wine

Well thought of good gold shrines

And leagues of legless lines

Caught in fishermen nets

Nettled but not in time

Of Shallow shelves of shellfish

And forests of frolicking fronds

And hours of anchoring urchins

And swathes of swallowing swans

The sea in all its peaches of beaches

That teaches us of time

And tides under neath of us

Needles stacked in seconds of clime

At home with the headless horse man

 So what is it like as a couple?

Well most of the time he don't say much

But that's just how I like 'em really

Yeah I mean we're into all the same kinds of things really

Same interests

He does like to read the paper on a Sunday morning

I have to turn it the right way up of course

Do we ever fall out?

Well, that's a hard one,

not really you know, but he is a bit clumsy at times

You know not having a head and all

He tends to agree with everything I say

Does he ever disagree with you?

Well, now I think so, it's a bit hard to tell

You know

Maybe he will cross his  legs or fold his arms

When he is a bit upset

Arriving and becoming

 The babies fly into arrivals,

And they met the expecting mothers there

They were holding their names up

On placards with all due motherly care

Then the elderly shuffled off to departures

In a state of eternal becoming

And death flew the plane from gate number eight

And piloted it then to the humming

And the businessmen and women

Sat in the lounges of purgatory

Oh it's all just arriving and becoming and going

Departing and flying, and humming and ho-ing 

And it was all at the airport of becoming and going

Arriving and staying home homing

The fathers in the bars and in the shops

The woman looks at bras where she stops

Glass vases and confectionary delectable, 

confetti, chocolates and collectables, 

And duty free bargains play hop scotch

It's just a stone's throw away until you stop

In the airport of becoming and stop watch 

What do you call the men who carry the baggage?

The luggage carriers? No they throw the bags

On the plane. He -throw- She-throw, we all throw up

Sick bag, pick a bag and show us when we stop

But it's all in the bag, by the time the corn pops

Pop tart, Racal Thorn, EMI in the pop chart's top

Top hat, hot tap in the ladies toilets 

Choose to be thing you've been even if you spoil it

Nothing ventured, nothing gained

In the departures lounge, your future

Is written on the clouds

In the lacuna where the sun breaks through

SHOULD YOU SHOULDN’T YOU SONG/BAD HABIT, GOOD HABIT SONG

 SHOULD YOU WASH YOUR HANDS AFTER PLAYING FOOTBALL?

YES I SHOULD WASH MY HANDS AFTER PLAYING FOOTBALL.

SHOULD YOU SHARE A DRINKING STRAW WITH YOUR FRIENDS?

NO, I SHOULDN'T SHARE A DRINKING STRAW WITH MY FRIENDS.

IT’S A BAD HABIT, IT’S A BAD HABIT. NOT A GOOD HABIT

SHOULD YOU COVER YOUR NOSE WITH A TISSUE WHILE SNEEZING?

YES, I SHOULD COVER MY NOSE WITH A TISSUE WHILE SNEEZING,

IT’S A GOOD HABIT, IT’S A GOOD HABIT, IT’S NOT A BAD HABIT,

SHOULD YOU LITTER A PICNIC SPOT?

NO, I SHOULDN’T LITTER A PICNIC SPOT, IT’S A BAD HABIT

IT’S A BAD HABIT, NOT A GOOD HABIT, IT’S A BAD HABIT

SHOULD YOU EAT AN APPLE WHILE PLAYING WITH A PET DOG

WELL, LET ME THINK ABOUT THAT, EATING AN APPLE IS GOOD,

BUT NOT WHILE PLAYING WITH A PET DOG, NO IT’S A BAD HABIT

THAT’S WHAT I SAID, IT’S A BAD HABIT, NOT A GOOD HABBIT

IT’S A BAD HABIT YOU BETTER STOP IT NOW

IT’S A BAD HABIT, LIKE CHASING COWS

IT’S LIKE A RUNAWAY RABBIT, IT’S A BAD HABIT

BATHROOM SONG

WHAT DO YOU USE TO WASH YOUR HANDS IN THE BATHROOM?

I USE SOAP TO WASH MY HANDS IN THE BATHROOM

WHAT DO YOU USE TO CLEAN YOUR TEETH IN THE BATHROOM?

I USE THE TOOTHBRUSH TO CLEAN MY TEETH, IN THE BATHROOM

OH THE BATHROOM IS THE PLACE I GO

OH THE BATHROOM IS THE PLACE I KNOW

IT’S A BATH IN A ROOM IT’S THE BATHROOM

WHAT DO YOU USE TO DRY YOURSELF IN THE BATHROOM?

I USE THE TOWEL TO DRY MYSELF, IN THE BATHROOM

WHAT DO YOU USE TO COMB YOUR HAIR IN THE BATHROOM?

I USE THE COMB TO BRUSH MY HAIR IN THE BATHROOM

OH THE BATHROOM IS THE PLACE I GO

OH THE BATHROOM IS THE PLACE I KNOW

IT’S A BATH IN A ROOM IT’S THE BATHROOM

Strawberry lines

 Sharpen the billhooks and rev up the saws

Slash the nettles and bend the stalks

That's what we do in the Great Outdoors.

burn the brash with our pitchforks

 

Cut down the vine and stamp on the stump

Break up the stone with a sledgehammer

Pull up the roots and on bare earth thump

Ram in the fence post with a post rammer

 

Raze the old tree, fell it to the ground

Hack with pick axe and with mattock pound

Then when you’ve dug plant a sapling sound

Keep filling with saplings all the holes around

For that’s what we do in the Great Outdoors!

So sharpen the billhooks and rev up the saws

 

Strawberry liners

 

Sharpen the billhooks and rev up the saws

Slash the nettles and bend the stalks

That's what we do in the great outdoors

burn the brash and pitch in with our forks

Cut down the vine and stamp on the stump

Break up the stone with a sledgehammer

Pull up the roots and on bare earth thump

That's what we do in the great outdoors

Hack at the trunks and call the Jackdaws

Raise that old tree trunk, fell it to the ground

Mash up the muddy swamp and flash up the sound

The railway rations are coming back into fashion

That’s the Strawberry line volunteer’s passion

We are the Strawberry line volunteers

We'll be glad if you can lend us your ears

And listen to our song

It won't last for very long

4 hours of work a day on all fours

Crow the shrill rooks and caw the Jackdaws

That’s the Strawberry line volunteers outdoors

 

 

Bring up the dilapidated ruins of rails

Resurrect those uninhabited homes for the snails

Pull up old fence posts cut off barbed wire

And throw it all on top of our burning fire

 

4 hours of work, and nine of contemplation

Don’t sleep on the job for there’s no compensation

Lay down the runners let them have fun

Shine on Strawberry fields under the sun

 

  The railway line was bombed-out neglected

dog-eared and worn

Run down and scrubby, 

Moth eaten and brown

Hack at the trunks and scrape at the stone

Trudge through the mud up to shin bone

Break up the ice and burn all the brash

That’s what volunteers do on Shepton's mash

 

Run down the augurs and drill like thunder

Dig on dig on until you discover what’s under

The bed rock the stiff stock of railway stash

That’s what Strawberry liners do with your cash

 

 

Viaduct

 To the viaduct

Go walking

On the long wet rainy days

With your dog in the forking

Of the long hot summer hays

And Dripping with rememberance

Of a past now left behind

When railways and Steam engines

Crossed the valleys of our minds

And all the strawberries travelled and all the red currants

Too

Like blood and diamonds in parcels

From the mines of South African fruit

And the empty arches standing

As a door stop in our minds

Leaving open the door to the past

And passage way to a time 

before

Though we know it does not last

Duck Pond

 

Deep in the duck pond

Where the green weed grows

And the straw is yellow

Next to the track,

Where the ivy creeps beneath the Alder and Willow

Which brush their stems and stem their flow back

Deep in the duck pond

Where the green weed grows

Ducks fight and splash about

It could be a war or a turn about

Or a pair of lovers in a spate

One who loves, the other who hates

But deep in the duck pond

They see to their deed

Where the willow weeps in the green duck weed

Down in the duck pond,

Where fellows blow their horn

And the little spirited sprout

Sings for the sweet summer corn

While the West wind blows

Then across it the Easterly is torn

All along the deep duck pond

Where all the birds were born

Severed heads on severed spikes

All seem dead but go ask the tyke

Shadows shake in the shallows like

The deep duck pond

Of the bad old Pike

He swims about, he asks not twice

He sees a snout, then snaps his vice

And there he has you, pulls you down

Into the depths of the duck pond to drown

Where hell is a spirit on the water

And the wind chills the slender necks of swans

And the rails with the moor hens daughter

Falls to the pails and the sweet shorn sun

Where the kale sways in the shallows

And the bulrushes blow their seed

Deep as heartache over the water

Of the deep duck pond with the green duck weed

Sing oh Lord

 

Sing oh Lord to the moon and the sky

To the land of the Blind

Where the pity birds fly

And bees buzz merry like the fruits and the flies

In the land where the pity birds fly

Sing oh Lord to the ones who have many

And the ones who are lost

But have not crossed on the ferry

Sing oh Lord to the Queen of the sky

To the Land where the pity birds fly

Hear their song, like a balm on the cherry

Like a sweet salve to the unchained mind

Hear oh lord how they sing you a tune

In the land where the pity birds festoon

Hear oh lord how their hearts are not heavy

With the price of their lives or the hanging moon

Hear oh Lord just what they may stir

In the land where the pity birds flew

The Garden Stroll

In the early light

When witches candles turn low to smite

The earthly walkers on a stroll

Beside an ancient garden wall

Then one says to the other

“How strange!?

The brick work of Eden has been rearranged.”

As they ponder mortar and stone

They feel the feeling they aren’t alone

Then an archway becomes clear

Designated this way; ”Do not Enter Here!”

They hold hands then cross the threshold

Into a garden bright and so bold

The green’s of willow

The lush of Ash

Oaken avenues stand in stash

All look starkly like someone’s preserve

They feel darkly like they do not deserve

And then a hare and next a rabbit

Come by close as if by habit

Disarmed the intruders are quite standoffish

Then they realise they appear quite selfish

And pet and talk kind words to the mammals

Feeling next they may meet some camels

As they stand and pervade the view

The garden’s paradise changes hue

And far over a foreign hill

They see Cain fight Able, until one is killed

And open under heaven’s skies

They see rains fall and flooded lies

Noah’s Ark is there by chance

But many a bad creature takes death’s dance

And suddenly they too are running from the flood

By this they find the ties of water

Much stronger than those of blood

All washed up now on heaven’s shore

They think of their stroll to the garden’s core

And they think to themselves, but neither comment

They should not have walked in wherever they wanted

Great Breech Wood

I went to walk in Great Breech wood

And found myself where trees abound

The North wind blew between dead twigs

And curled the leaves that lay on the ground

My nose it twitched, my ears they itched

I felt the presence of deer and hounds

I saw a squirrel run to a trees furthest reach

And heard the forest birds song of sound

The nettles stung, the beeches browned

The Oaks were strengthened by the ground

The leaves curled in the winter furls

That twirled the wind and around me wound

And my love did call from beneath an ash’s eves

Like a satellite I was drawn to its planetary crown

Then Great breach wood was torn asunder

It gave forth lumber of Larch and pine

All of it under a winter storms thunder

Which rattled the bones of all those near

Their toppling heights and treacherous climbs

My dear lady was struck by a bolt of lightning

A love dart from the Gods struck her in her prime

And the planetary dark that ensued was a wonder

To walk in this park I felt was a crime

My romantic soul wished to lurch in search of a number

By which I could dial then bring back the time

But the forest which was wiser than mountains

Held my soul fast so alone I did climb

To birth the last hope I had of my loved one

And set her soul free her one God to find

Now alone I walked through the forest alive

Badgers scurried like bank clerks collecting

Their wad of twigs and worms like knives

The wood pecker sung the pigeon cooed

A single black bird alone mewed

And rats slumbered beneath

Rotting tree limbs

As foxes cavorted singing howling hymns

Then the forest was then quiet as a graveyard hushed

As greenery flourished

And foliage lushed

The sandal wearing saint was knighted

The night began its game

Half housed between this world and the next

Advantaged

As in the eves called the owls

And many Stations of the Cross were planted

As herbs and forest plants were avowed

Into sacred celebration

Of the moon lit majestic cows (boughs)

Who’s alien forms besmirched the landscape

And past the night with heavy sounds

Until in the dawn rose the single starlings

In the flock of chorus loud

And beneath the canopy of heaven

Wrote the names of those in shroud

To be remembered by the martyrs

Who had seen and died,

And lived then bowed

And this I saw while I was walking

All this was mine of to be most proud

Inside the Breach of the Great Wood Vaunted

And opened its vaults to the sun and the cloud

Otter

 

Otter sleek, Minky whale black

Bitter as beer, the coal black water

Mirrors as obsidian

This corpuscular form

Meiosis divided itself

From the jelly mass of the lake

Yet never breaking the meniscus

- it bobs it's whiskers appear damp

And shining

Back rises and slinks back into the black

The fox

 The fox stalked across the field in the late afternoon light

A ragged and thread bare specimen, ravaged from the cruel cold winter

That lengthened into February

He stops looks round searchingly

Yet distracted, somehow fidgeting with his own dire experience

His own state of affairs

My mother points out the starlings swooping above him as they ready to roost

Among the levels further down along the reeds

The fox moves sleekly, slinking like a chain of bones concertinaing

And then squats to lay his scent or shit

I have almost lost interest as he becomes the grey of sky, the brown and pale yellows of winter hedgerows

May be he was the fox that ate our chickens I say to my mother

All those years ago

He is an intruder, yet somehow respected for his cleverness despite this. And I feel somehow very safe and sanitized in this my mother’s house but seeing him also vulnerable. Like seeing a thief from behind the confines of a ‘CCTV’ camera – catching him in the act. It is the interest in his survival, his spirit and hut spa. Confidence in wildness, somehow he will always be there, in the back of your mind.

Desert

I guess I should explain that the desert is cold
You'd have thought it would've been hotter
But it's out of this world
When the sun goes down there's no sense in being bold
Just bury yourself in the warm desert sand
And don't emerge again til you're old

Medley o

 For sometimes the dust mouse

With the balloon legs flies

And jars against the corners of coroners

Who are borrowing rainbows from wet skies

And velvet like a jet plane

That too smoothly

Leads the pop charts

In Rocket man serenades

Of American football players

As I empty my conscious mind on the page

And jollop of the trollop

Who with Anthony now pays

For his term in Hell

As berms like barrows swell

With ever more victims

Of Anglo Saxon descent

On cut corner garages

Where the fuel pipe is spent

By Alpha males who drive oil trucks

And dig the graves of otters

Who sereptiously at nightcall up their mothers

That twinly like the windmills

On Salisbury hill

Turn in ever soft records 

Where the blue birds trill

And fellow knights of Henry

Have arrived by Welsh appeal

To garner the orange men of Wednesday 

With their Zesty peel

And toothless crows will talk in hedgerows

Of Black Friday wills

Where Jesus was a charioteer

And Neil Diamond steals

The lime light of lemon trees

In elementary muse

So cut throat in pleasantries

That he must be killed

Swan

 Swan you little plesiosaurus

Look you up in a thesaurus

You're a synonym for white

And some how you learnt to fly 

but prefer the water to the sky

I can't control it said the swan

The sky and the earth on this day

I am the king of the pond

I am the mirror bird I say

I hold your reflection in my mind

And I give back you my white in kind

Give back the white

Oh will you read between the lines

Of the black and white

And see through to the otherside of the mirror

Said to the lily, why be a pad

Like a biscuit

I sip from your waterlip

And swill down the plankton

Into my gullet

And you have to give me your yellow

And I'll cut loose Mr goose

And give you back my white

Give me your green Mr froggy

And he said ribbet and swam along

I'll give you my green if you sing your swan song

So the swan sang a beautiful blood red tune

And Froggy gave him his green

And he gave back his white

Give me your brown Mr Otter

And the Otter dipped into the jelly black lake

Said I'll give you my brown if you prove you're no fake

So the Swan rose up like a dragon and beat his wings

And Otter gave him his brown

And he gave back his white

Give me your black Mr Raven

And Raven said no way and flew away

But wait! cried swan, you swore you were my mate

And raven's beady eyes spied him, said Ok

Friend, you can take a piece of my black

And Swan gave him his white

And Raven danced his Magpie jig

Why then, said Swan, with all these colours am I still white?

And the lake spoke up and said you made a grave mistake

While you gave away your white there was no promise made the other way

So the only colour your young may be is grey

To remind you of the trust you had in other animals

Then the white to remind you that all animals lie

Cloud Cities

 Oh to be up in the clouds

in the castles way up high

Oh to be believing

That I shall never die

Oh to be up in the cloud castles

Where worlds range and people are free

Up in the clouds where heaven awaits

And I am simply me

Oh to be up in the cloud castles

Where so many worlds exist

And inside this, and outside that

And nobody will be missed

Oh to be up in the cloud castles

Where buzzards reign

Oh to be up in the cloud castles

Where we are all the same

Oh to be up in the cloud castles

Up where the cities of gold shine

In the bright sunlight

Where they walk light footed and swift

Keep learning

 Well they told me that I had more to learn

Keep learning

Keep learning

Everything you learn will be another string to your bow

Keep learning boys

The green holly hangs upon the bough

Keep learning, keep learning

Everything you cherish

Will be gone somehow

Keep learning boys

The friends that we had 

They'll be gone somehow

Keep learning, keep learning

Gone as the green grass

Under the plough

Keep learning boys

Pot of Gold

 If I found a pot of gold

I would buy back the love I sold

But nothing will turn back the clock

And there's no shifting that mental block

If I found a pot of gold

I'd lay a path like the yellow brick road

And riches, property and wealth

Would all lead to corruption of self

If I found a pot of gold

More than anything, I'd want to be told

Leave it alone for it wasn't yours

And it's best not to step through temptation's doors

The road to Shepton Mallet

 My tax bill came in I said

Wow how come?

The drum on the beat continued to hum

I put down the letter and

Twiddled my thumbs

Wow, I said wow

To the police I give a tenth of my vow

Jeeze Louise, I need to take a bow

For the Fire and rescue, I give a twelfth

Wow, I said wow

Adult social care almost as much as the police

Wow, Moses, Holy crocuses

If their parents never had them

We'd be sweet as roses

Burn that money somehow

Who are these cronies 

In the local government?

Make a change!

Make a change!

Every plan fulfilled

has been painted on the pavement

Make a change right now

Most of it goes on fire and rescue

Drunk people with candles setting light their curtains

Two fifths goes on the local town council

Make a change right now!

Two thirds goes on Somerset County Council

Keep talking, keep talking!

If everything is pink then

We better start walking

Walking to Shepton Mallet now!

Better get in Shape!

Better stop your shirking

Keep working, keep working!

Everyone's a jerk

If you can't quit baulking

Keep talking now

With all this money

Why are the roads still unsafe?

They keep shirking, keep shirking

With all this money

Why don't they fuck themselves?

Keep working now

Work this way until you're in your grave

Keep digging, keep digging

Then some teenager comes along

And desecrates with foam of shave

Keep talking now

Who knows when 

This song is gonna end?

Not me, not me

Let's end it here as it's all going wrong

Council taxes will always increase!

Backstabber

 My back hurt me the other day

It was back with a vengeance

Spilt Milk 1

 There's more to life than dreaming

Dreams they don't come true

Unless you hold onto the seeming

Impossibility of me and you

There's more to the neck of the bottle

Than all the wine that could flow

And if you run at it full throttle

Well the boiler surely will blow

There's more to life than dreams

Dreams they rarely come true

You think this knife is subtle

Well it cuts me away from you

Oh the wolves in the forest 

And oh the sheep on the hill

You cannot get back what you promised 

And this love has a license to kill

Finally she left without warning

Finally I got the final bill

I read the news in the morning

By the afternoon I had had my fill

There's more to life than dreaming

For dreams they rarely come true

There's no use in crying over spilt milk

that tipped over

There's no use in crying over you

I think in another life we were both cats

Maybe I've had eight or nine

But you had the cream of the takings

And now I'm going to get mine

There's more to life than dreaming

For dreams they rarely come true

You 've given me more than I'd bargained for

And now there's no use crying over you

Don't you see that it's useless 

to try to be more than you can be

I think that you should be confused less

As there's no use in crying over me

King for a day

 What if we were kings just for a day

24 hours on a king's pay

They'd do anything, anything that we say

If we were kings, just for a day

just for a day

Be sure

 There're tears in your eyes

But don't ask why

When you're so sure of it

That you could fly

When you're falling down

Think you'll die

When you find your wings

And you can fly

Well you just better be sure

Before you cut the cord

that you don't want to speak anymore

When you're falling down like you fell before

When you're falling down like you fell before

But you cut the cord

You cut the cord

Snow drops grow in the foot prints of the saints

The pure white snow there's no darkness to taint it

And I would paint your picture, like you paint your toes

Oh you better be sure before you let go

Oh the snow came down, like it did before

And the paint dripped on the floor

Beauty skips away on the land

The beauty skips again with the springtime skin

And the lambkins sip down at the ford

And you better be quick when you cut the cord

It's all going now, it's all going

You can start your life again,

Start your life again

While it's snowing

Yes while it's snowing

And the wind is blowing

And the Rams are ramming

The Ewes are lambing

Spring is growing, and you must be going

You better be sure, before you cut the cord

That you don't need me no more

You don't need me no more

You better be sure

cut the cord

 You better be sure before you cut the cord

You better be sure before you cut the cord

You better be sure before you walk the boards

Before you jump from the plane

Before you go out into the rain

You better be sure before you cut the cord

Spring time is come

But it's not for real

The fingers of winter

They still can feel

The holes of the sky

Where your soul falls through

the rain comes down

And you turn blue

Oh you better be sure before you cut the cord

You better be sure

Before you close the door

You're falling down

Like you fell before

Falling down through the trap door

I look for you

In the empty house

I chase around the lion or mouse

And knew before you closed the door

That you better be sure before you cut the cord

Before you cut the cord, before you cut the cord

you cut the cord

Seeing dragons

 Well if you draw open your curtains

Will you see into the light?

And let all those mythical dragons

Go flying off into the night

And I hope you won't shed a tear

When you see those dragons fly

Each time they come by the same time of year

No don't regret we said goodbye

The carnival fills the streets

The flashing fireworks and white teeth

The river of time winds by

Like a thread that spools out beneath

A kite that you let fly

Don't regret the time we had together

Every balloon must soon lose its tether

Why does the child ask the parent

Will you ever die?

Why do they ever promise to stay alive forever?

Only in childish dreams

Can these things seem

Real

So when you let me go, don't cry

3rd March dream

 I had a dream, I walked down

To the end of England

Down near Cornwall

There was a bench on the cliff and

A man sleeping there

Then I went down to the mines

A lazy ineffectual man was shovelling

coal into bags from a heap

On a trailer bed

I started to join in

I was stronger than him

He gave up

That is all I can remember 

Of that dream

The Chapel on Frith street

 They built the Church on the land

Near the river

Frith field

Where the frith are thrifty

And the lost souls who ended up in

Prison

Were down in the gulley

Where the river ran

Just as in Purgatory

Caught between the river of hell

And the meadows of heaven

And they tried to pull them up hill

They tried with all their might

That hallowed ground

Steady as a rock

On the back of solid lime stone

Somewhere beneath

The courses of trickles of water

In rocks

That have not moved for a thousand million years

And if that is strength

Then it is strength from Earth not Heaven

Where are the Vespers in the Vapours?

The Compline in the afternoons?

Just hard facts

Give me hard facts to rest my peace of mind on

The jig

 What's yours is mine,

What's mine is his

Here's a brolly

There's a brolly

Here's a bonnie dancer

Here's a pig, there's a jig

And here's a bonnie answer

What's yours is mine,

What's mine is his

Here's a bonnie answer

Here's a boa constrictor

Swallowed a brolly

Swallowed an accordion

Playing as he hisses

Here's a brolly, there's a brolly

Here's a bonnie answer

What the boa constrictor did

Was swallow a pig who danced a jig

There's a bellow blowing answer

What's yours is mine

What's mine is his

What's his soon will be a dancer

Cold winds of March

 Cold winds in March, you know how I feel

Cold winds in March, nothing seems real

Leaves on the trees all blown away

Catkins are growing but there are no buds of May

Snow drops on the ground yes they are real

But the branches I found, their bark does peel

All winter I know, feels like snow

Cold winds in March continue to blow

Dead leaves on the ground, this is all I've found

Cold winds in March blow all around,

Lean on the arch, look into the garden

See how your garden grows

Frost flowers harden, leaves covered in snow

Where did our love, where did our love go?

Lost in the Marsh, where the cold winds blow

The cold winds of March that we all know

Cold winds of March are filling the tower

Where the seamstress sits sews hour onto hour

Losing the thread, somehow she still sews

Those cold winds of March that we must all know

Animal farm

 What if the Russians controlled Divina McColl?

I don't give a monkeys

I've got a ladder in my giraffe

There's a snake down my trousers

And ants in my pants

I'm an eager beaver

I've got a dolphin's glance

I'm missing my penguin

I need an eagle's eye

There are eleven elephants who've forgotten how to die

And a parrot named dignity

Who can't stop talking lies

Penguin Spotting in Budapest

 We are the Penguins

Flipper flop waddle down Bodza street

Like a family of ducks

On a jaunt

That chatter and quacker away

and question like Penguins

Then look into the sky

And watch the planes fly by

Then fall over backwards

As they track them with their eyes

Carrier Freight to Mozambique

Government cargo

Those flightless birds wish to break the embargo

Unfasten their clipped wings

And soar outdoors

And up, up and away from their Balcony

Where Juliet sits lazy

And Romeo in his hovel stews

And brews another tea

Biding his time

Realizing it is far too late

And he is too beyond the garden gate

To p-p-p pick up a penguin now

A nurse's advice

 You know a nurse's advice can ruin a life

They can tell you just how to behave

How to live and how to die

Like the livid blue sky

And in the end they'll lay you in your grave

They will tell you to wear shoes then say

Shuck them off

They will tell you sleep on a hard floor

Next they tell you soft

They will say get into a routine

And next why not shake it up?

Yes a nurse's advice, is like walking on ice

Don't do it unless you're a duck

Well I tried to go to the zoo the other day

Just to see the penguins play play play

But she told me put on sun screen

Or you'll burn your nose

Next minute she was telling me to take

Off all me clothes

Well to nurse's advice you must listen twice

Read between the lines of what they say

For if you want a good life

Then take my advice, when you see a nurse coming

Run the other way!

Rule the British Empire

 Britain Victorious?

All other countries ignore us

We wouldn't know how to rule the world

Or the difference between a penguin and a walrus

God save our has-been

It is a bit thin and mean

Since the last time was seen

And rumble rumble, there goes our motor cars

They work like some worn out stars

Still bringing home the bacon

After the horse has long bolted

Britain never never shall make waves

I think we are particles, but some say its not a quantum world

And a little change here will cause a whirlwind in Japan

Certainly our fashion sucks and have you tried our food? Good Luck!

What we really are good at is producing criminals and we like to fuck

But that is about all

Murder is number one leisure / free time activity

Followed by a cup of tea, then down the Bingo Hall

If you want Variety we have a bunch on our TV

Some of the worst acts in history

And don't mention the state of schools

The thing we do best of all,

Is fail heroically

It is in our DNA to laugh at ourselves

It doesn't really matter who is getting mugged

For their handbag, as long as football thugs are glad

Then the country will succeed

Of course we need a super model, like Jordan with the giant jugs

Or to watch Big brother and see others giving huge hugs

From the safety of our setees

So Britain never, never shall make waves

We might become China's slaves

And be run by Algorithms

But the Royal Family shall be saved

In the form of auto eroticism

And android sheep now roam our hills

Jerusalem was penned upon the back of dollar bills

And who can shake the hand of John Stuart Mills

But Sheik Ali and his company whom we sell our arms

and our grandmother's charms in exchange for crude oil