Snail tale

 In the garden,

There was a government of snails

And the government said,

There can only be right handed (twist) snails

Whose shells wind in the right handed way

If there are any left handed snails here

Kick them out of the garden

Keep them outside of the fence

And throw them out of the gate

May they never come back in

If they must be here, they must be hidden

For they are an abomination of nature

And so George wandered around, or rather slithered around

because he was a snail, quite aimlessly

And he couldn't properly talk to other snails

They were always a little too distant from him

And therefore he found it very difficult to get on

And it was like driving a bus

When two bus drivers pass eachother on opposite sides of the street

But they can't talk to eachother because they are seated on the wrong side of the bus.

You see we're not all the same,

We're not all symmetrical or we're not all perfect

Some of us are right handed and some of us are left handed

And we can't all be the same, but generally in fact always

The right handed snails could only start families with other right handed snails

Because they liked the direction

And it just meant everything together between them worked better

The thing is there were also the sort of snails who were left-handed in the world

And even outside of the garden where George had been born

It's just he didn't know it.

So for now he slithered around and tried to avoid

Eye contact with the other snails 

Who all shunned him and he felt like a pariah

He was stuck on the wrong side of the fence

So as I was saying, the other snails started to put up signs as well

with a big snail on it, like a left handed snail whose shell twisted the wrong way

and a big cross over it and they said, no he's not allowed in here

Sometimes there were these jam jars left in the garden

And the snails all liked to congregate in them and all have chats

and be very socialable, except when they saw George coming

They all turned their shells and ganged up on him so he couldn't get in

And it was very difficult for him.

One day a friendly snailogist or entomologist - one who studies insects and molluscs - which is what a snail is - Dr Daddy Longlegs

was wandering about the neighbourhood

He decided to go and see his friend Mrs Cook who had just baked a lovely cake for him

and her other friends

Mrs Cook and he were sitting outside in the garden having a cup of tea and enjoying the sunshine.

When the entomologist looked down and saw upon his shoe an interesting looking snail

Who was looking up at him in an interesting sort of manner.

Cocking his head to one side and extending his eyeballs out on their storks

And he said to himself, that's strange that seems like 

The most unusual snail I've ever seen  in my life

And he picked up the snail from off his shoe and put it in his lunch box 

And in his lunch box he took a closer look and could see that his shell

Had wound the wrong way, it had gone left instead of right

He started to look about the garden and tried to find some other snails

"Do you know that in your garden", he said, "it is full of right handed snails and

This one snail here, who I think I shall name George is actually a left handed snail?"

"How unusual", said Mrs Cook, "what does it mean Dr Daddy Long Legs?"

"Well what it means is that this poor chap unfortunately doesn't have any friends

And he won't be able to have a family with anyother kind of snail

Unless they be lefthanded snails"

So tragically that was the end for poor George

Or so he thought as he listened

So what the Entomologist did then, was he took George with him

And took a photograph and said to his friend the journalist Max Webber

Look what we have here is a very special snail

So special indeed that there may only be one of his kind in the entire country!

"How incredible!" said Max the journalist!

But if it is that would make it the Hapax Legomenon

Do you mean the Happy Legomen's mum?

No the Hapax Legomenon, it's the only instance of something

Well the fact is this snail, he needs a partner and a friend in this world

So we must put out a search and scour the whole of Great Britain for other left-handed snails

And if we can find them then maybe George can have a family of his own one day

Well I don't like the sound of his chances, but perhaps I can help, said Max

We can put an advert up in my paper!

And so they did just that

And once they'd done it

It was remarkable

It did take several months

But then the first left handed snail arrived through the post

Who was very happy to shake hands with George

And here they were up in Mrs Cook's garden again,

After Daddy Longlegs had brought them back and put them in a 

Special cordoned off area where only George and his friend could stay

And the right handed snails had to look on enviously

And talking and spreading rumours about them saying

Things like oh look at those two

What are they doing in there

And so George and his friend actually started a family

And then there was another left-handed snail who was their baby

Which was remarkable

In fact over the course of some years

Even more readers of Max Webber's magazine Snail Trails Monthly

Were sending in their snail mail

And in the post little boxes Dr Daddy Long legs discovered

To his great Joy and surprise that they were sending in Left Handed snails

Now even though this wasn't a plethora of snails

Or indeed a panorama, it was  in fact enough for George to keep making his own families

And so eventually George wasn't alone in the world anymore

They lived in this little section of the garden

But soon interest grew in the outside world

And they thought perhaps these snails

Could live outside of the garden too

And so that is just what they did

It was a great exodus of left handed snails who crossed over the border 

And searched out a new world to live in.

Some stayed behind because they liked the garden

George was one of those who wanted to explore

He'd always wanted to explore his whole life

Perhaps because he didn't feel welcome in the right handed side of the garden

Eventually after many years of travelling and starting different families

A bit like starting new businesses up George returned back his first garden

And he saw to his great surprise that the left handed snails and the right handed snails

Were living together quite peacably

In harmony and it was such a great joy when he could see they could all live together happily

And he went and joined them in the jam jar and they had a right old time

Chatting about life and the things that he had seen outside of the garden wall