A man is exercising on a bench in Collette Park, Shepton Mallet
He is doing sit ups and press ups
He is sweating profusely
As he sits down to rest, a man walks up and sits down on the bench next to him.
He opens his newspaper and starts to read
1st Man: Excuse me, could I borrow the sports section if you're not reading it?
The man asks
2nd man: Certainly, I think the Rugby is in there England versus Scotland
1st: Oh, thanks, great (a little impassively) He proceeds to mop his sweaty brow with the Sports pages
And then to soak up the perspiration soaking through his shorts he sits on the Rugby commentary
2nd: Excuse me, but I didn't realize you planned to abuse my newspaper, I was planning on reading that later
1st: Oh I'm terribly sorry, you can have it back man!
He takes out the Commentary
and passes it to the man
2nd man: This has an imprint of your sweaty backside on it! You've completely ruined my afternoon's reading pleasure!
1st:Hey man, this is a public space and you freely offered it to me!
2nd:Well I assumed you would just scan it through and hand it back a little bit later like any normal human being
1st: Sorry to disappoint...look I don't know what to suggest, it will dry out in a half an hour
It's a beautiful morning and there's a slight breeze
You have drenched it in your sweat, Even if I dried it, it'll be crinkled to the shape of your butt crack, I can't even read the racing predictions
It's a disaster, I always use a system to gamble with and now it's blackened and unreadable...Come to think of you've drenched the whole bench in your sweat it's even soaking into my trousers!
Look sorry, I have a condition, I over-sweat, I'm a hyper-perspirer, I can't help it man! I've got a card somewhere.
Well in that case why'd you choose a public bench to exercise on, there's plenty of gym equipment in the park!
Well, no for your information it's only that running and arm exerciser over there and I sweat so much I slip off. Look, this is really hard for me, I can't go to a gym, because they all tell me I have a Bio problem and there were even complaints about how I left the equipment. that's how come I'm here.
Well why didn't you bring a towel or something?
Look have I got to think of everything, haven't you ever had any problems or conditions?
Well, yes actually now you mention it, I have a very strict routine about reading my newspaper and if I can't read the whole thing from cover to cover, well I just burst into tears, a bit like now
The 2nd man starts to cry
1st: Oh yes, very realistic turn on the water works now will you!
No, no the man says sobbing, this is real, these are real tears of grief, I lost my wife a year ago and we used to come here and sit on this bench and read our newspaper together, me and her, just like you and I now, except you've just desecrated her memory.
Look man, I'm sorry, ok I didn't know, come on dry your eyes mate...there there it's not so bad
Not so bad, not so bad, this has triggered my childhood disorder hyper-lacrimonosity - I cannot stop crying once I start, it goes beyond emotion, If I don't get some water soon, I'm at serious risk of dehydration!
You and me both mate, I'm still sweating like a pig, I must have overdone it, look and the bench is now almost completely soaked in my sweat and your tears...
Yes and my newspaper damn it, it's sobbing wet, I've been crying all over it...
It's got so much salt in it all we need is some fish and chips and some vinegar and we could have a proper take away..
2nd man: I'm glad you see the funny side,
Look there's the park gardener, maybe he can help..Hey Steve! Come over here, please!
Steve: Sorry chaps no can do, it's a hot day and I need to water the plants pronto
Ist man: Look mate, me and my friend here are suffering, I'm having a sweating attack and he's having a crying attack, we're both losing H2O fast, so be a mate and just give us a spray will you, we're losing the ability to think straight here, it's so hot
Look guys, I'm sorry to say this but I'm allergic to water, my whole body comes out in a rash if I touch the stuff. But, just hang on and I'll hose you both down
A moment later...
1st, wow, I really needed that..by the way, my name's Craig, I'm in the fire service and actually, I've got to go on call in a minute.
2nd man, well thanks Craig, maybe I needed to let all that out, I can't hold it all together and bottle it up inside any longer. My name's Shaun, I'm a miller, I'm an Aquarius.
1st man, oh I'm a Pisces.
2nd man: well take it from me Craig, don't keep walking around with a chip on your shoulder. It never works out well.
1st guess you're right Shaun, and you know I think you're wife would be proud of you. Maybe it's time to turn over a new leaf?
2 nd man, yeah and don't sweat it Craig, I feel much better now, you've definitely left your mark on me:) have great afternoon putting out fires
