Fem ale

 Fem ale - ale for women

Lizard Tale

 To cut a long tail short

The lizard bought a new tail

In a tail sale

For her own tail went pale

And dropped off

For me it was beyond the pale

So I had some curly Kale

Mag pie versus Jay

 Magpie versus Jay

Jay

Chitta Chatta, chitta chatta Hey

I'm the Jay

In the the studio today

Recording my bite

It's open mic night

And I know what I've come down here to say

Yo Magpie, wight

Little black and white knight

Flitter like the litter

Outta my sight

I ain't saluting nothing

You're like a puffin

Always duffin

Looking for a fight

But you ain't got might

Not like dude Jay, he hit the heights

See the muscle in my hustle

My wing nuts are taut tight

Magpie

Hey dude, hey dude, hey Jay

Go make your hay on the motorway

You overstayed your parking bay

You owe me money, that aint funny

So pay up, this pay day day Jay

Cough up or shut up

Cos I'm gonna stick you in a coffin

With the lid nailed shut

Six feet under ground like a pig nut

You just go on telling porkies

About Magpies you gonna get cut

Jay

Well hey there sausage 

You've come to the right shop

I'm the butcher with his carving knives up

Whats up, you seen somein you like huh

I can cut you into rashers like a pork chop

Fry you in the pan like bacon

I aint makin some kind a joke

You  gonna be smokin

Like a pig in a poke

Chokin' on your words

Like a faux king

A sailor's carol

The bells are ringing in the rigging

From the mast they toll

Scotty's up in the crow's nest

Christmas time's on his soul

Hanging up the bunting

Safe and warm at home

Out here a storm's a blowing

Far out to sea they roam

Christmas ghosts move the sails

Christmas memories snap the ropes

All are filled with year-end tales

Tailing off in Christmas hopes

They hope they'll make it back for Christmas

Before the loving fire's embers

Have glowed in a reddened pulp

In the heart of late December

How does your love keep burning

In the hearts of Captain and seamen

Out amongst waves outrageous

To put out the bravest lights?

Hold fast men of Truro's ageless

Sentinels of land and sea

See the burning lighthouse wageless

Fight fraught and dauntless be

Until the tide rings in the changes

And brings your boats back to me

Oh come all ye faithful sailors

Make it back to hope's town free

Egret versus Swan

 Egret:

What you want to beat your wings for you lapping labrador

You lolloping lady of lake

Gliding graceful like a rake

Sucking up all the algae

Filtering through leaf

Sifting spattering beak

Gurgling and gargling

Like a kid at MacDonald's

Really beggars belief

And you call yourself a classy bird?

The King's own bird indeed

Well I think you need a reality check

This rhein ain't your own private beach

Get on over to the other ditch

You go and swan it up with the rich

This here patch is Egret land

You slippery bacon flitch

Swan:

Well, never in my life have I heard

Such words issue from the mouth of a thief

You come over here from Africa

And think you can steal my reef

Immigration indeed, I say

Well white is right, but then I say

I'd rather have a cormorant anyday

Than this bull ass biting beast

Go and huddle with the cattle

Go on an peck up their fleas

These banks are ours I say

This ain't the Mediterranean sea

You could have landed anywhere but

You chose the Wetlands of Shapwick Heath!

Egret:

Listen here my swanee whistle 

you've been blowing your hot air

If you could blow like a thorny thistle

Why don't you go blow over there?!

We Egrets have been migrating sure

From many a foreign shore before

But here we've camped, and here we've stamped

Our mark like a proud cow's hoof

Indeed if you need to hear the proof

We live in the trees see we can build nests

Hidden in the branches for we are blessed

By the Egyptian God Osiris

And it's in his footprint that we walk the Iris

You'll be flagging on the flag stones

And I'm making no bones

About it

We've got skills you can't kill

Or ever hope to match

Hopping over stepping stones

Looking for a fish to catch

If you want to lily pad

You lily livered beast

Then go along and motorhome

You know it's best at least

Swan:

I think that you should read the tome

Of bird etiquette related manual

To show you the map of your way home

That you should be able to handle

But don't come to me with your complaint

That there ain't enough room for us both

You will have to push the boat out

It's covered in your oily greasy

And slip along back to Rome

And the better fortunes find your feet

Than in this dome that is my home

My kingdom

Of Swan retreat

I'm calling up my royal friends

I've got friends in high places you know

I can get you kicked out the country

If I just wave my wings

So don't you dare, try to scare

Or insult a swan at leat

The only ones you need to phone

Are your friends on loser's street

Tamara

 D Tamara, Tamara, E she's gone away

Em I wish tomorrow D7 that she could stay 

D I love ya Tamara, E I've gotta say

 Em I've got love D7 to borrow

G And a bed D in the hay

D But Tamara, Tamara

E She's gone away

Em Tamara, Tamara, D I wish that you'd stay

G Tomorrow, Tomorrow D7 is a long, long way

Em To wait for Tamara D today

D Oh Tamara, oh Tamara, E she's faraway

Em She'll be gone til tomorrow

D7 Down the lonely highway

Oh Tamara, Oh Tamara, she's the one that got away

The love that we cherished

has been threshed like the hay

Well tomorrow, well tomorrow

Is just another day

Still in the hollow morrow

I'll be wishing she'd stayed

Oh Tamara, oh tamara , she's faraway

And in the light of the morrow

I'll think of promises made

Oh tomorrow, oh tomorrow

Is just another day

I'll be thinking of Tamara

like yesterday's hay

Winds a blowing, winds a blowing

And the chimes they do say

Don't you dwell on Tamara

For tomorrow is another day

The whale in me or Jonah the man

 The whale I am

The whale 

in me

I swallowed a whale

I have a big mouth

So they told me down south

And I just wail free

Oh the wail in me

Just had to come out

Oh try to be a man

But there's a whale in me

I talk then I spout

A lot of nonsense

And I'm often blowing hot air

When I walk I tend to beat my own tail

And throw my arse in the air

And when I go down

Oh when I go down

I do so without any care

For the man that I am

Aint worth a damn

But for the whale in me

They told me I was Jonah

But I'm more Jonah lomu

They said I was unlucky 

To be swallowed by a whale

But it was my lucky day

My sister Joan of Ark

Was sailing up with Noah

She said Whoa!

I said Hey!

Won't you give a man a hand

Out of a dark interior

Joan of Ark

She caused a spark

To burn a fire strong

Inside the belly of the whale

Which turned to jelly

Then got a smelly pong

And the whales tongue did burn

He spat me out

And Joan rescued me from the sea

I ended on an island

Full of all the brown boys and girls

Smiling and a laughing

Look at that man with a whale

In his belly

I looked and realized the whale was now inside of me

Whereas I'd been inside of it

And now every time I spit

I spout

I've got that feeling he wants out