River wriggle

Tears in the river
The bells in Hell
The arrows in the quiver
And the cats down the well
The weather follows the cock's tail
And Captain Ahab hunts down the whale

I have seen you in the fire's shadows
That dance upon the wall
And in the clouds of a rivers shallows
Where the tadpoles wriggle and crawl

weather holidays

 It was discovered in the future the reason for poor weather on bank holidays and weekends was that our working behaviour directly affected the weather

And that the Gods were unhappy when we took holidays

Weathering the storm

 Can you hear the gushing sound 

Coming down the roads

The water babies on their bellies

With the frogs and toads

Flowing over grey stone walls

Filling up the gardens

We've thrown down all our cement bags

Now the bloody things won't harden

Out we dash with broom and bucket

sweeping back the waters

Then we lose the broom and think

This preparation doesn't cut it

what was it they taught us?

But who knew it would be this bad?

Who knew really what would happen

If the farmers take down trees and plough

Then surely water will start lappin

At your door and at mine although

You may live at the bottom of the valley

Of course we all know where the river will flow

It's just whether the river will sally

But one thing's for sure, we sure lend a hand

To help out others in need

Give them your arms and legs, hold a wheelie bin

Before it floats off down the street

But there's no need to play the blame game is there?

These things are just acts of God

Except surely we can mitigate against them

By not replacing forests with fields of sod?

Perhaps why not create some catchment ponds

That way it can slow down the water's flow

Some flooded fields further up would help bond

And allay the more tragic affects down below

Some kind of agricultural plan must be thought up

To prevent this ever happening again

It was like this ten years ago when the levels were caught up

Because the rhynes wouldn't properly drain

Why hasn't the environmental agency had 

a more stringent program of maintenance

Then we might have a case of Neptune's Staircase

Rather than a torrent, a deluge of complainants 

Let's try and deepen the River Sheppey

Make it deeper and broader

I'm sure the army of James Heappey

Would be more than happy

To carry out the order

Couldn't fault her

 Sally thumper

College thumper

Oh they all were in the bumper

Bumper of tides right up to

The jumper

He jumped her, he didn't jump her

Oh perhaps they suit one another

It could have been his mother

He was the spit of her brother

Oh thumper, college thumper

Grown green as petrol pumper

Looking in the locked windscreen

Of a shifty customer

Make a liner, make a leaner, it's

Always getting cleaner

Apart from when it's getting leaner

In the heat of the sun

Well he dumped her, and she

humped her and they all fell 

Around in the summer

What a bummer

That scummer

Didn't somersault her bank vaulter

Did the polka with voltaire

Did Malta with Fred Astaire

She was a moulter and soon

Had lost all her hair

Couldn't fault her

Better bolt her

Down like the table's chair

Out on the rough seas

Of life's faultless cares

Love will pull you through

 When you think that you have had enough

Dig deep eat grit and try to be tough

For there is not one but two

And love will pull you through

When this whole world has driven you down

You feel left out like some kind of clown

Hold on, hold out for the new kid in town

Called love 

Love will pull you through

Yes love will pull you through

Oh lord,

It's a reined horse, it's a mighty canoo

It will haul you up

Put you on its back

And love will pull you through

Miscellaneous

 New year's wind

Well it could the Brussel sprout

That I've been eating

Or it could be broccoli

Or something like that

But there's a new year's wind

Blowing strong

I took a hoover for a hover

and vacuumed up the vacuum

But there was nought to suck

I thought with luck

I'll have cleaned this space room

By Tuesday's moon

Of course there is no room in space

There is no space in room

If you thought a force was there

Of course

It's what made the big bang boom.

Advert for gardening:

Man considering how to cut his wife's hedge cautiously saying:

Well we could do it like that, but you know I don't want to do it like that if your mother won't like it

Screen cuts to sign: Stop Hedging your bets

Gardener comes on:

Just cuts hedges

Where's the bloody water gone?

 Who turned the taps off at Niagra?

I was planning to have my bath

You know it's run out steam

And now its just a trickle of a stream

The bloke who did it must be having a laugh

Who stopped Victoria's Fall

Well the smoke that thunders

Is never such a wonder 

When there's no bloody water on the wall

Well what has happened to my Angel?

She fell from heaven they say

Well by the look of things she's going to stay that way

What has happened to my Angel?

Did she decide the Earth was junk?

Well she's packed up her trunk

She said this hellholes drunk

All the water I had left and now I'm sunk

Oh what has happened to my Angel?

Now what happened to Iguaza?

And her 200 water babies?

She was mother nature

Now she's drier than mid Australia

Where will her babies get their nurture?

Who stanched the flow of Iguaza

Was it the fat Anaconda?

Who lay on his belly

When his body went to jelly

Like a conga eel on his back

Well what's happened to all her water babies?

Where did they all go

Two hundred and fifty three cataracts

Now that's a nifty little free fact

But don't act like you didn't already know

Who turned off the water to the world, hey?

Now we're as dry as a desert land's dead pool, hey

And if I catch up to the guy who is playing this joke

Well you better believe you'll see some thundering smoke