Pub talk

 Here's to Shepton

It's on its knees

Won't the government lower

The tax on alcohol please!

Give the pubs the upper hand over

Supermarket sleaze

They're destroying our culture

With their lower price freeze

We buy our beer in bulk

Bring it back home to drink

Like the incredible hulk

shipwrecked into bed we sink

In a sulk

For we've not met new friends

Only drank til we've caulked

And whitened and paled and netflixed out

And it could be the ale or speciality stout

But in fact it's the lack

of the life we're about

 Just go down the pub

You'll feel better no doubt!

This culture is dying

But it's not what you think

Britain was founded on

A strong liking for drink

If you consider the heroes

The brave and the true

You'll find they all loved

To partake of the brew

We come together in clubs

And in teams

We drink to our fellows

And we drink to our wins

But drink too to your losses

As well as your gains

Because as the penny tosses

So fall the rains

And mercy can fall equal

On Kings as on peasants

But just mind how you say it

When plucking a pheasant!

I think we were better back in 1981

When we drank through unemployment

And likewise we drank to have fun

But you've got to enjoy it

With friends and in good company

It's like music to my ears

And it's the mark of being free

Out to get me

 I only had one thing on my mind

Down by the river Sheppey

And all the people not of my kind

They were out to get me

They were out in a posse

They were out on the jetty

Yes they went searching out to find the key

Yes, they were out to get me

Well me why can't a fella have a drink

On Saturday night he deserves it don't he

Floating his boat on the big wide sea

But they were out to get me

Searching in the town hall

Searching knee deep in confetti

I felt like I was back in school

When they were out to get me

Give me a trial by my peers

Make me stand and let me

Find witnesses with eyes and ears

To show they were out to get me

Placing an order

 A four pronged pick

Two Dutch hoes 

And a billhook

Look what do you take me for?

A pillock?

A billhook

Two Dutch hoes, from Amsterdam?

No the garden variety

For digging me rows

And beddin' in I suppose

Oh wouldn't you like to know?!

Oh and some flower seeds

Got any Corncockle?

In me pocket yokel

How about Lady's bed straw

Top draw

White Campion

She's a Champion

And grows

four feet tall who knows?

Evening Primrose

Evening Sir

Oxeye Daisy

I'll have four, for me and Miss Mazy

Driving down to the Oxbow lake

To drown our sorrows

Self Heal?

They're only in tomorrow

And Corn Poppy

Hippity Hoppity 

What a happy shopper

Alright how about a pair of telescopic loppers

Coming right up

From round the bend

Periscopic perambulation

Of a flexible friend

Draper edging shears

Oh yes give me a trim around the ears

And shovel square mouth T handle

Open wide sir, let me stick it in

Ah now that feels better

Your face is the ace of spades

Not fit for a king A Rib-eyed Stake

A T-bone?

No a sharpening stone

Round

Sound

As a pound

And a sharpening stone

Flat

As a pancake sir

Anything more after all that?

Just one thing my good man, and mind you're back chat

A lawn rake 21" Eagle

Eerie sir?

No, ordinary

Spread or Closed?

Spread? What do you take me for, some kind of crow?

Crow, a crow a cock-a-doodle doo!

Listen you cockerel fool, fooey to you

Well, I'll call you in the morning

Deliver to your hovel?

Sir, you are too rude, by the way add to that 

a shovel

Oh and a wheelbarrow

20 ltr poly blue

Right first thing tomorrow

Is there anything else I can do?

No you've done quite enough

I think I need a tissue

To wipe off my sweaty brow

I do believe we're through

Choir of Quiet

Shush, shush go the mothers to the babies

Shush, shush they say and hush them to sleep

Shush, shush go the train wheels on the railways

Shush, shush rumble the sleepers in the deep

Shush, shush go the pistons in the factories

Shush, shush go the Baby sham works

Shush, shush sing the cider in batteries

Shush, shush go the office clerks

Shush, shush goes the town's silence

Gone is the sound of the town's violence

Shush, shush go the copper cables and fibres

Shush, shush goes the telephone exchange

Shush, shush go the flies trapped by spiders

Shush, shush go the tongues sounding strange

Shush, shush go the nuns to their priory

Shush, shush go the shops of the high street

shush, shush go their shuffling feet

Shush, shush go the birds in the briar or tree

Shush, shush go the tides of the shy shifting sea

Shush, shush goes the traffic beneath

Shush, shush say the rocks of the cave

Shush, shush goes the gushing stream

Shush, shush underneath the limestone

Shush, shush where the stalactites dream

"Wake up!" say the road sweepers

"Wake up from your long summer sleep!"

"Wake up!" say the railway workers

Dig on, though the tunnels run deep

Shush, shush go the church towers

Shush, shush go the stained glass windows in pane

Shush, shush go the vases of flowers

Shush, shush goes the church warden in vain

Shush, shush go the leaves in the graveyard

Hush, hush go the mothers to their babes

Shush, shush go the yew trees that stand guard

Over the cradles, sundials and graves 

"Come home!" say the wives to the sailors

"I must go!" cry the sea gulls to the planes

"Come back!" cry the lovers to their loved ones

"I am here!" cry the others back again

 

love is a Joke

 King concrete - a cement shop name

And this is the final of the men's 100m spurt

What do you call a large ape who has got stuck on a building site?

King concrete

I saw a man dressed as a bird walking down the street

I told him to stop making a tit out of himself

I just spotted a tit flock down on the Hamwall nature reserve, and now it turns out they have built a large car park to encourage even more tits to flock there! At least I think that's what it's there for.

They think she killed her husband by breece block, but they have no _________ evidence.

Are you looking for Kongcrete evidence? Well look no further try new King Kongcrete

What do you call the shape of an ape who has fallen onto a pavement?

Kongcrete

Which Greek Island is home to a heavy ape? Kongcrete island

That Police officer looks very attractive at the moment

Yes she is arresting isn't she

Of time and chance

by any chance

chop and change

name and shame

time and a half

times have changed

give me a fighting chance

not a chance

you've got to pick and choose

It's a song and dance

But you've got to be in it to win it

to stand a chance

You don't have to name and shame

I did things wrong, I cheated the game

He came out trumps

She was shot down in flames

It gives me goose bumps

To try to say her name

And it's not what she claims

I didn't shoulder the blame

It was not me who pulled the trigger

It was not me who killed the dame

But the writing's on the wall

For to be seen by one and all

For they name and shame

Both him and her

When love's a losing game

summer's son

 And if you don't know now

Just where you have been

The summer like a fortune

Of another world unseen

Unlooked for in the pages

Of the glossy magazine

And if you don't know by now

Then you'll never know what I mean

The fortnum and Mason

The bear bite and bracing colours of 

A shimmering dancing Queen

Where strange lace hangs

In curls

From the chandelier girls

And it seems like a nightmare

Or dream

But I fight with the surls and the earth encrusted twirls

Of biscuits bitten and clean

Like a shark bite in the sand

Bleeding into who I am

In pieces at the swimming pool scene

All etcher-sketched man

Rubbed out who or what I can

Erase the memory from my mind

But the grain lies beneath

Those dim shadows trace

And outline of her in his plan

Who's plan? His or mine?

The mirror

The desert, the mirage shoe shine

Can kicked down the road a mile

Son will bring with it

The smiling crocodile

Art for art's sake?

 When does Art become

art

Is it the intention

When does gentrification become

Standard living

Does an artist move in because of an opening

Or because of an opportunity

To create

When it all is just gaps on a slate

Wipe the slate clean

Erase a high street scene

Fill it in with colours

But the buggers will keep

Burning and vandalizing

So what is going on

Who is expressing a need

Where are the youth

How Are they involved

And who sees a future for themselves

Here?