Placing an order

 A four pronged pick

Two Dutch hoes 

And a billhook

Look what do you take me for?

A pillock?

A billhook

Two Dutch hoes, from Amsterdam?

No the garden variety

For digging me rows

And beddin' in I suppose

Oh wouldn't you like to know?!

Oh and some flower seeds

Got any Corncockle?

In me pocket yokel

How about Lady's bed straw

Top draw

White Campion

She's a Champion

And grows

four feet tall who knows?

Evening Primrose

Evening Sir

Oxeye Daisy

I'll have four, for me and Miss Mazy

Driving down to the Oxbow lake

To drown our sorrows

Self Heal?

They're only in tomorrow

And Corn Poppy

Hippity Hoppity 

What a happy shopper

Alright how about a pair of telescopic loppers

Coming right up

From round the bend

Periscopic perambulation

Of a flexible friend

Draper edging shears

Oh yes give me a trim around the ears

And shovel square mouth T handle

Open wide sir, let me stick it in

Ah now that feels better

Your face is the ace of spades

Not fit for a king A Rib-eyed Stake

A T-bone?

No a sharpening stone

Round

Sound

As a pound

And a sharpening stone

Flat

As a pancake sir

Anything more after all that?

Just one thing my good man, and mind you're back chat

A lawn rake 21" Eagle

Eerie sir?

No, ordinary

Spread or Closed?

Spread? What do you take me for, some kind of crow?

Crow, a crow a cock-a-doodle doo!

Listen you cockerel fool, fooey to you

Well, I'll call you in the morning

Deliver to your hovel?

Sir, you are too rude, by the way add to that 

a shovel

Oh and a wheelbarrow

20 ltr poly blue

Right first thing tomorrow

Is there anything else I can do?

No you've done quite enough

I think I need a tissue

To wipe off my sweaty brow

I do believe we're through

Choir of Quiet

Shush, shush go the mothers to the babies

Shush, shush they say and hush them to sleep

Shush, shush go the train wheels on the railways

Shush, shush rumble the sleepers in the deep

Shush, shush go the pistons in the factories

Shush, shush go the Baby sham works

Shush, shush sing the cider in batteries

Shush, shush go the office clerks

Shush, shush goes the town's silence

Gone is the sound of the town's violence

Shush, shush go the copper cables and fibres

Shush, shush goes the telephone exchange

Shush, shush go the flies trapped by spiders

Shush, shush go the tongues sounding strange

Shush, shush go the nuns to their priory

Shush, shush go the shops of the high street

shush, shush go their shuffling feet

Shush, shush go the birds in the briar or tree

Shush, shush go the tides of the shy shifting sea

Shush, shush goes the traffic beneath

Shush, shush say the rocks of the cave

Shush, shush goes the gushing stream

Shush, shush underneath the limestone

Shush, shush where the stalactites dream

"Wake up!" say the road sweepers

"Wake up from your long summer sleep!"

"Wake up!" say the railway workers

Dig on, though the tunnels run deep

Shush, shush go the church towers

Shush, shush go the stained glass windows in pane

Shush, shush go the vases of flowers

Shush, shush goes the church warden in vain

Shush, shush go the leaves in the graveyard

Hush, hush go the mothers to their babes

Shush, shush go the yew trees that stand guard

Over the cradles, sundials and graves 

"Come home!" say the wives to the sailors

"I must go!" cry the sea gulls to the planes

"Come back!" cry the lovers to their loved ones

"I am here!" cry the others back again

 

love is a Joke

 King concrete - a cement shop name

And this is the final of the men's 100m spurt

What do you call a large ape who has got stuck on a building site?

King concrete

I saw a man dressed as a bird walking down the street

I told him to stop making a tit out of himself

I just spotted a tit flock down on the Hamwall nature reserve, and now it turns out they have built a large car park to encourage even more tits to flock there! At least I think that's what it's there for.

They think she killed her husband by breece block, but they have no _________ evidence.

Are you looking for Kongcrete evidence? Well look no further try new King Kongcrete

What do you call the shape of an ape who has fallen onto a pavement?

Kongcrete

Which Greek Island is home to a heavy ape? Kongcrete island

That Police officer looks very attractive at the moment

Yes she is arresting isn't she

Of time and chance

by any chance

chop and change

name and shame

time and a half

times have changed

give me a fighting chance

not a chance

you've got to pick and choose

It's a song and dance

But you've got to be in it to win it

to stand a chance

You don't have to name and shame

I did things wrong, I cheated the game

He came out trumps

She was shot down in flames

It gives me goose bumps

To try to say her name

And it's not what she claims

I didn't shoulder the blame

It was not me who pulled the trigger

It was not me who killed the dame

But the writing's on the wall

For to be seen by one and all

For they name and shame

Both him and her

When love's a losing game

summer's son

 And if you don't know now

Just where you have been

The summer like a fortune

Of another world unseen

Unlooked for in the pages

Of the glossy magazine

And if you don't know by now

Then you'll never know what I mean

The fortnum and Mason

The bear bite and bracing colours of 

A shimmering dancing Queen

Where strange lace hangs

In curls

From the chandelier girls

And it seems like a nightmare

Or dream

But I fight with the surls and the earth encrusted twirls

Of biscuits bitten and clean

Like a shark bite in the sand

Bleeding into who I am

In pieces at the swimming pool scene

All etcher-sketched man

Rubbed out who or what I can

Erase the memory from my mind

But the grain lies beneath

Those dim shadows trace

And outline of her in his plan

Who's plan? His or mine?

The mirror

The desert, the mirage shoe shine

Can kicked down the road a mile

Son will bring with it

The smiling crocodile

Art for art's sake?

 When does Art become

art

Is it the intention

When does gentrification become

Standard living

Does an artist move in because of an opening

Or because of an opportunity

To create

When it all is just gaps on a slate

Wipe the slate clean

Erase a high street scene

Fill it in with colours

But the buggers will keep

Burning and vandalizing

So what is going on

Who is expressing a need

Where are the youth

How Are they involved

And who sees a future for themselves

Here?

Shepton Silence

 The drains glimmer like celebrities

In the sodium light

And families watch them on TVs

On some slow Thursday nights

The tree leaves are turning yellow too

And a sickness hit me this week

I stayed in bed

As the world it sped

Past equinox and winter seas

Come along to Shepton

You're sure to suffer some shocks

Come along to Shepton

Where we've all been put in the stocks

They take vegetables

From recycling bins

And hurl them at you in the docks

And they judge you if you're an artist

And they judge you if you are not

Come to Shepton in the summer or 

While the Church bells toll

While the men drink cans on the gravestones

While the youths are playing vandals

And Van Gogh cut his ear off

I told you once why couldn't you tell

That these kind of landscapes may clear off

All other escapes from hell

I lay my cards on the table

Yet The dog ran off with my shelves

I built up reputation yet

I couldn't control all my selves

Don't personify all the animals

The Llamas on the hill are not Gods

Though they look like enlightened beings

Still you must look at the path they have trod

No I come back now to St Paul's Street

He of faith and of fire

Branding the love of a creator

Into the dogs collars of a choir

If I shove the book off the table

If I even try to call up a friend

The telephone exchange holds the cable

And we meet in the middle and end

If I yank a wire

will it hurt

All those vandals with candles

Down wells

If you live in the valley

Do you wish for

A higher home near the elms?

 Do your wings beat like headless geese

Following yet going in circles

The arctic is one I can think of, I guess

But not one I mean ever to go to

Underneath us are copper and fibres

Underneath us, are caves and dells

Beneath us the water is eating

Like worms in rotten apples

The rock is like their candy

In geological time it dissolves

Yet we like miners from the North

Blast holes along the stream bed

Waking from the long sleep

the dragon trapped there by the elves

And we burrow like scientologists

Into the heart of ourselves

But like dwarves our hearts are greedy

For the gold beneath the mountains

Like kings we can't rest in our sleep

Until our coffers overflow like fountains

Mountains

Mountains are like nerve bundles tied up in knots

Tense packed strings of wires fossilized, baked

Bended, frozen

But before these feeling times of tumultuous floods

And bruising, burning, tortuous

Moments had been forgotten

They survived as eviscerated rocky facades

Flakes of time millimetres thick only

Lain down like rings in a tree

Buzzing in the Nerve tree

In the roots of the bundle of the body of the land.