joke 123

 I'm an out of practise dentist

I need to brush up on my skills

Magnificat

 What a magnificent cat

What whiskers

What tail

What ears on whose tips

Could turn a full term whale

And what teeth are pointy fangs

For bird pricking

And feathery pangs

What claws scratch under doors

For oils and balls of wool or twine

What a Magnificat

Oh sing to the fat cat upstairs

And All who sleep on window sills

Or upon bare legs sprawl and stare

What cat, that climbs the curtains

What cat that scats and crimes

Like a burglar of the night kind

Shaken but not stirred

By the night's long times

sea biscuit

 Oh the sea in all its flippery

And skippery rhyme

And Majestic Omaha

Of forever pines

And coastal rampages

Punctilious primes

And Rapscallion scales

Pear peppered wine

Well thought of good gold shrines

And leagues of legless lines

Caught in fishermen nets

Nettled but not in time

Of Shallow shelves of shellfish

And forests of frolicking fronds

And hours of anchoring urchins

And swathes of swallowing swans

The sea in all its peaches of beaches

That teaches us of time

And tides under neath of us

Needles stacked in seconds of clime

At home with the headless horse man

 So what is it like as a couple?

Well most of the time he don't say much

But that's just how I like 'em really

Yeah I mean we're into all the same kinds of things really

Same interests

He does like to read the paper on a Sunday morning

I have to turn it the right way up of course

Do we ever fall out?

Well, that's a hard one,

not really you know, but he is a bit clumsy at times

You know not having a head and all

He tends to agree with everything I say

Does he ever disagree with you?

Well, now I think so, it's a bit hard to tell

You know

Maybe he will cross his  legs or fold his arms

When he is a bit upset

Arriving and becoming

 The babies fly into arrivals,

And they met the expecting mothers there

They were holding their names up

On placards with all due motherly care

Then the elderly shuffled off to departures

In a state of eternal becoming

And death flew the plane from gate number eight

And piloted it then to the humming

And the businessmen and women

Sat in the lounges of purgatory

Oh it's all just arriving and becoming and going

Departing and flying, and humming and ho-ing 

And it was all at the airport of becoming and going

Arriving and staying home homing

The fathers in the bars and in the shops

The woman looks at bras where she stops

Glass vases and confectionary delectable, 

confetti, chocolates and collectables, 

And duty free bargains play hop scotch

It's just a stone's throw away until you stop

In the airport of becoming and stop watch 

What do you call the men who carry the baggage?

The luggage carriers? No they throw the bags

On the plane. He -throw- She-throw, we all throw up

Sick bag, pick a bag and show us when we stop

But it's all in the bag, by the time the corn pops

Pop tart, Racal Thorn, EMI in the pop chart's top

Top hat, hot tap in the ladies toilets 

Choose to be thing you've been even if you spoil it

Nothing ventured, nothing gained

In the departures lounge, your future

Is written on the clouds

In the lacuna where the sun breaks through

SHOULD YOU SHOULDN’T YOU SONG/BAD HABIT, GOOD HABIT SONG

 SHOULD YOU WASH YOUR HANDS AFTER PLAYING FOOTBALL?

YES I SHOULD WASH MY HANDS AFTER PLAYING FOOTBALL.

SHOULD YOU SHARE A DRINKING STRAW WITH YOUR FRIENDS?

NO, I SHOULDN'T SHARE A DRINKING STRAW WITH MY FRIENDS.

IT’S A BAD HABIT, IT’S A BAD HABIT. NOT A GOOD HABIT

SHOULD YOU COVER YOUR NOSE WITH A TISSUE WHILE SNEEZING?

YES, I SHOULD COVER MY NOSE WITH A TISSUE WHILE SNEEZING,

IT’S A GOOD HABIT, IT’S A GOOD HABIT, IT’S NOT A BAD HABIT,

SHOULD YOU LITTER A PICNIC SPOT?

NO, I SHOULDN’T LITTER A PICNIC SPOT, IT’S A BAD HABIT

IT’S A BAD HABIT, NOT A GOOD HABIT, IT’S A BAD HABIT

SHOULD YOU EAT AN APPLE WHILE PLAYING WITH A PET DOG

WELL, LET ME THINK ABOUT THAT, EATING AN APPLE IS GOOD,

BUT NOT WHILE PLAYING WITH A PET DOG, NO IT’S A BAD HABIT

THAT’S WHAT I SAID, IT’S A BAD HABIT, NOT A GOOD HABBIT

IT’S A BAD HABIT YOU BETTER STOP IT NOW

IT’S A BAD HABIT, LIKE CHASING COWS

IT’S LIKE A RUNAWAY RABBIT, IT’S A BAD HABIT

BATHROOM SONG

WHAT DO YOU USE TO WASH YOUR HANDS IN THE BATHROOM?

I USE SOAP TO WASH MY HANDS IN THE BATHROOM

WHAT DO YOU USE TO CLEAN YOUR TEETH IN THE BATHROOM?

I USE THE TOOTHBRUSH TO CLEAN MY TEETH, IN THE BATHROOM

OH THE BATHROOM IS THE PLACE I GO

OH THE BATHROOM IS THE PLACE I KNOW

IT’S A BATH IN A ROOM IT’S THE BATHROOM

WHAT DO YOU USE TO DRY YOURSELF IN THE BATHROOM?

I USE THE TOWEL TO DRY MYSELF, IN THE BATHROOM

WHAT DO YOU USE TO COMB YOUR HAIR IN THE BATHROOM?

I USE THE COMB TO BRUSH MY HAIR IN THE BATHROOM

OH THE BATHROOM IS THE PLACE I GO

OH THE BATHROOM IS THE PLACE I KNOW

IT’S A BATH IN A ROOM IT’S THE BATHROOM