The Day the Council Flooded

The Salisbury Rain
Always falls on the plain
While the tiger in the woods
Stalks the badger again
The lion down the lane
Roars when I pedal passed
But it seems I can't complain
You either play dead or cycle fast
The council forgot the recycling today
Its been the 19th week
And the rubbish won't go away
Bristol Zoo let out its animals
In a green protest
But I must attest
Though they are a pest
They certainly liven up the place

Then this Noah from number 42
Said he'd solve the problem by counting two by two
Then the rains fell fast
And I believed his resolve wouldn't last
But he'd already built a boat
Called a floating zoo

Well the council didn't like it
But they had to accept
It was a darned sight better
Than what they'd come to expect

And yet still the bin men didn't come
Now the water table you could dine one
We found plastic milk bottles
Lashed together make a fine pontoon
To stand on

And Noah he took the animals round a tour of Salisbury plain
That had become the new hotspot of flood tourism
And migration again

Great White Egret

 Come spread your white wings

About my rusty springs

Oh Egret of the Sandy lands

Up here in migrant fare

Come be blown like a sack cloth

Pure white as a snow flake, sin-free

Come spread your angel wings

About me, sit in my Ash tree

Come burn a white hot flame

Down by the cold black lake

And write in your smoke signals

The message of my mistake

You are my guardian Angel

You take away my pain

I pray to you Great Egret

Far off in the beating rain

Fairy tale migration

Cindy works in a shoe shop
Goldie is a hair dresser
She makes bears look better
And is an animal beautician
Red riding hood is a ranger
who hunts wolves

Her God mother comes to stay
She has turned into a migrant worker
That's the American way

The Emperor Crumb

 The Emperor Crumb arrived

All so flakey

With his several wives

And a shot in the dark

Brought the jam to his eyes

He was up to his ears in honey

But money reigned from the skies

The emperor, the emperor he has come

Roll out the red carpets

And beat on the drum

No more starvation

No more long sighs

For he has brought bread and milk

and nobody dies

Crumb, crumb, the Emperor crumb

Has come on the backs of the monks and the nuns

He's chewed his banana and sucked on his thumb

Oh how shall I tell you of the Emperor Crumb?

The mud fills his boots, and the day looks like done

But who's that in the distance like a big currant bun

Rolling as a steamboat and red as a tongue

Flown like a seagull across vast oceans come

All hail the arrival of the Great Emperor Crumb

Tom Saucepan

 Clemens was born at the age of 100 and wanted to be a steamboat pilot. He trained as a pilot on a steamboat when he was 81 years old. He got his license 2 years later at the age of 79. He married Alveria and they had 4 old age children. After being a successful writer during his 60s, 50s and 40s in which he based many of his novels on his old ages as a steamboat pilot. His 30s and 20s saw him lauded as one of the country's most prominent writers of children's fiction for adult. Though he looked comical he actually took himself very seriously, writing serious comedy for very silly serious-minded people. He tragically died at the age of 0.

A pain in the Aspens

 She was up there drinking asp's milk

Or bathing in the stuff

Do you know how long it takes to milk an asp?

To fill an entire bath!

The place must have been crawling in snakes

They must have had an infestation

Or else bred them

I suppose there was an Asp zoo

Oh look Mummy, another asp farm

They must have been like cows in England

Another bloody dairy herd.

Well it must have been nice to see all those asps 

Milling about the Egyptian countryside

And I bet the local population really thanked Cleopatra

For propagating them

Only they are notoriously difficult to keep behind fences

And I should imagine

The number of Asp bites to the bottom or leg increased

ten fold under her reign

You could say she was a pain in the ass

Or a pain in the Asp

I wonder if Aspens have any connection to asps? 

Talk like an Egyptian

 Welsh slates shipped to Egypt

Long, long ago

Outcome: Cleopatre Under Egyptian snow

Who would have guessed it

The first of the plagues

God knows how it got there

Probably across the waves

The tombstone teeth, gnashing of gums

Some Hungarian car repair man

On a bum run

Wanting to fix

Mark Anthony's Chariot

Oh he was an Ambitious man

Like Trump

Only on a Bad day

Trying to slaughter the

Sacred Cow

Of Reason

Yet he married a Russian Lady

Beautiful as Cleopatra, probably

Except she really was a rich and powerful Queen

And he is a hedge monkey now

Can you clean the windows of the pyramids

With the water of the Nile

What if the ladders all had tights in them

What if the snakes were really

Phallic representations

And did Caesar invent the boardgame

To keep himself occupied in the wee small hours

Thinking of Antony and Cleopatra

In all their heavenly powers

Pharaoh, far away, far away sky

All the tribes of Israel 

Over the rainbow in a foreign land

May die

Unless a Moses leader can take away

The blame

And scapegoat

Or shake the boughs

Where the sleeping babies lie