Seagull versus Egret

Egret: 

I have no regrets

Be like me I'm free and light

Like a feather from the flight

I have no regrets, Je n'Egret rien

For I'm the Egret, the Egret I am

Light of foot

High stepping wader

Small compact, a pint-sized invader,

Stout as Guinness, white as lightning

Drink me down river fish frightening

But don't you cuckoo spit me out

Or curdle me like cheese about

For now I'm in cider

Once I was an outsider

But now here's me level's home

I have nothing more to say Seagull crone

But if you don't like me leave me alone

Seagull:

Here I am the old salty dog

Hopscotching across a grassy bog

Just a field, where the cows graze

I'm on a rubbish tip holiday, hoorah

Now you might not think I belong in your field

But a bird like me has got make a meal

Take your worms or fish where you can get 'em I say

Never mind your fancy prancing pins

I'm down here in my flappers looking for fins

And if you don't like how I've waded in

Well just you keep your beak shut Egret thin

Egret:

Go push your boat out to sea

Why come inland and bother me?

Have you lost your sea legs?

Or are you a landlubber now?

I'll give you a hand you fat blubber cow

If you get any bigger seagull I'd stand on your rump

And peck your hide pa rum pa pump pump!

Seagull:

Now who are you calling fat?

Ok I've put on a few stone, but my stomach's flat

So what if I like Kentucky fried chicken

 in the seaside town it's slim pickins

And inland there's more tasty things than fish

To wrap my lips around out of bins of rubbish

Oh I do love fast food, cos' I ain't slow like you

You just stand there for hours waiting for a minnow

I'd get bored of being like a statue I prefer to hustle

Push your way in if you want to get ahead use your muscle

You're always gently treading avoiding causing offense

Why don't you get off your high horse pick a side of the fence

Egret:

I'm the greatest fisherman that's ever been around

If you wanna know who's the King fisher, I wear the crown

I'm lighter than a Heron, he's like an accordion that flies

My beak's long and sleek, like lightning from the skies

I'm the featherweight boxer, dancing like Cassius Clay

You wanna see me shadow box then get in the ring, let's play

Seagull

Oh well you don't think a Seagull packs a punch?

Well, I'm gonna chop and dice you, eat you for my lunch

I like a nice bit of sushi, and your Egret feng shui 

Don't impress me much, you can just dance, well phooi

It ain't no song and dance, I can do the seagull sailor's jig

I'll dance all up the town, along the roofs and over oil rig

So while you tip toe, I'll be on show for all the world to see

I'm the main man, the Seagull heavyweight boxing free

You stick to your river banks, and sedate country streams

I'm more used to fighting crows, rough seas are my dreams

Worse things happen at sea

 A bomb went off in a parking lot

My best man married my niece

King Arthur was jealous of lancelot

Cyprus was ceded by Greece

Well all of these things could make you cry a lot

Some might have you down on your knees

But it's best to remind that I think you will find

Worse things happen at sea

Mount Enta blew off her top hat

Pompei got burnt in larva grease

The water in alaska will freeze if they ask her

And New Orleans the rains may never cease

Yet you've got to make the best of what you've got

Just carry on rowing keeping going don't lose the plot

For worse things happen at sea 

The day we went to land the whale or A Whale’s Tale by Chris Scully

 

The day we went to land the whale  or A Whale’s Tale

by Chris Scully

(G)We went to land a whale (D7) just as the sun was (G) dawning

(C) The gulls were swinging(G)  in the air, (A7) crying out their (D7) warning

We(G) scrubbed the decks and bent our backs, (D7)  haulin’ up the (G) sail

(C) Gleaming were all the brass (G) tacks, the day we (D7) went to land the (G)whale

 

Oh(G) me laddie, (D7) bet your britches (G)daddy

(C) Get harpoon and (G)fork or spoon, we're(A7) off to land a (D7) baddy

(G)Now Sam's aboard with a scope and swore(D7) that he spied a (G)tail

(C) Waving in the (G)Bristol docks, the day we went(D7) to land the (G) whale

 

As (G) we put out from the Bristol dock’s, (D7)  sea-wind chapped our(G)  lipses

(C) The flood tide towed the(G)  seaweed locks, like (A7) green sea monster(D7)  shipes

(G) Then just between Flatholm and (D7)Steep we saw the spraying(G)  traces

(C) Of Whale flukes like Roy(G) al Dukes, off to see(D7)  the Cheltenham (G)races

Chorus

As (G) Sam hollered there’s whales collared (D7) in a swirling (G) ocean

Try (C) ing to swim (G) against the tide, (A7) without much loco (D7) -motion

(G) Eventually they’ll tire see (D7) said First mate with great (G) aplomb

(C) But Captain hammered and(G)- First mate stammered (D7) okay Cap you’ve (G) won

Chorus

So (G)we lowered and chased the whale (D7) all about the -(G)- harbour

There’s(C) nothing more to a (G)- whaleman’s taste than for (A7) something he must (D7) labour

And (G)-there we faced the steely pace (D7) of a whale set to (G) beat us

But (C)  I couldn’t recall (G) a time at all (D7) the way this whale did (G) treat us

Chorus

Capt(G) ain threw a mighty screw and it (D7) hit the whale on (G) the right

And(C)-we on board all hauled on(G)-the line but (A7) the whale never quit(D7) the fight

(G) The whale dove like a mighty Jove(D7) and pulled the ship (G) down under  

Then (C) up he came again(G) playin’ his game a(D7) -gain and hit our hull (G) like thunder

Chorus

A (G) sinking we were ship-wrecked u(D7)  pon a sandy bank (G) marooned

But(C) still attached was the whale (G) not catched (A7) but tied up by our (D7) harpoon

Up(G) on the deck the Captain hexed(D7)  and the First mate danced (G) a jig

To (C) think of all the dam(G) aged blows done to(D7)  their one and only (G)  rig

Chorus

The (G) whale turned to us with (D7) a weary look (G) askance

The(C) tide was coming in a(G) gain and the whale (A7) thought he’d take (D7) his chance

But(G) as he left he pulled the wreck(D7)  of our ship full (G) with him

So  (C) we rode the tide   (G) had a whale a time (D7) from his rolling (G)  rhythm

Chorus

But(G) the Whale showed us mercy, oh (D7) just before he swam (G) off

We (C) cried  “Gramer cy”  when (G) back on shore he(A7) kindly dropped us (D7) off

And (G) we bade him a fond farewell (D7) and thanked him for (G) his tail

That(C) had taken us(G) home safe n well the day we (D7) went to land the (G) whale

Chorus

Last line x2

 C D7 G

Northern lights

 In the north I saw the star

And in the North like a burning scar

across the horizon

Glazed so bright

The shimmering green Northern lights

Oh northern lights like an absinthe fairy

Dancing its tinkerbell

Dust so starry

In my ship I crossed waves like mountains

As in the sky were green lights like fountains

blooming over like a holy chalice

The rim of the horizon 

A broken palace

Let the hearts of Angels sing aloud

There I saw a castle in the clouds

Rain bow road

 The rainbow road

Tied me down below

The golden road 

The sun ran down

Burning golden, shining shield

Rain tied me to her, rain tied to her

Oh the motorway is a rainbow road

Full of all colourful lights

And we always believe at the end

Of the road

There will be a pot of gold

full of all our delights

But it is just another river of souls

One we may step into for a spell

And dip our toe, just to know

What it may be like

If we really took flight

But it is all back down in our lap

Yes it's in the lap of the gods we reside

If we only stop at home on the map

And take a good look inside

So tell me if you are rain tied

If you are caught up or hooked down inside

To the rain of your love or the love of the road

For love is a road to abide

And love it is a rainbow road

Shining in clear blue skies

So get back that blue sky thinking

Before you start sinking

Down like the sun or the tide

Open season

Jarred the feeling in my mind,
Like a door left open,
I've slipped on a lemon rind
And the taste is bitter to tell the truth
Like when I trip over
And chip a tooth
Or lift the chip on my shoulder
And discover its a scab
Covering something older
Than an cold kebab
Skewering me through
With the rod I made myself
Standing in the queue
For God to check my health
When he does answer my prayer
I become a soldier there's nothing
I can't bear
But a cart wheeling
I go down the hill
The jacks have been thrown
When he broke up with Jill
Humpty Dumpty's crown
Is in pieces on the ground

And his mind is tripping
On banana skins
Forecasting shipping
Is how the play begins
Somewhere off the coast
Of the Shetland isles
A captain gives a toast
To a room full of smiles
And now he sees her ghost
In the corner by the piles
Of rope left over
After the fishing net miles

A gull looms above
As a wanton crow
Flies in a straight line
But with nowhere to go
Than Follow the ship
The Fellowship
Of Worship
In the sea
Of snow
ho, ho

Caveman cometh

 Some people call me the caveman

Because they don't understand

I like to eat my mash potatoes and meat

But I do behave and when life is on a lathe I am

The one who can shave a dollar off the street

So don't roar in your hunger

Oh you saber toothed tiger

I feel nothing any longer

From the day I grew incisors

And my molars crushed my vegetable matter

In my teeth

So I'll be singing all day long to you

You know that I belong to you

I'm your songbird

Singing sweetly tweet tweet tweet

Fem ale

 Fem ale - ale for women

Lizard Tale

 To cut a long tail short

The lizard bought a new tail

In a tail sale

For her own tail went pale

And dropped off

For me it was beyond the pale

So I had some curly Kale

Mag pie versus Jay

 Magpie versus Jay

Jay

Chitta Chatta, chitta chatta Hey

I'm the Jay

In the the studio today

Recording my bite

It's open mic night

And I know what I've come down here to say

Yo Magpie, wight

Little black and white knight

Flitter like the litter

Outta my sight

I ain't saluting nothing

You're like a puffin

Always duffin

Looking for a fight

But you ain't got might

Not like dude Jay, he hit the heights

See the muscle in my hustle

My wing nuts are taut tight

Magpie

Hey dude, hey dude, hey Jay

Go make your hay on the motorway

You overstayed your parking bay

You owe me money, that aint funny

So pay up, this pay day day Jay

Cough up or shut up

Cos I'm gonna stick you in a coffin

With the lid nailed shut

Six feet under ground like a pig nut

You just go on telling porkies

About Magpies you gonna get cut

Jay

Well hey there sausage 

You've come to the right shop

I'm the butcher with his carving knives up

Whats up, you seen somein you like huh

I can cut you into rashers like a pork chop

Fry you in the pan like bacon

I aint makin some kind a joke

You  gonna be smokin

Like a pig in a poke

Chokin' on your words

Like a faux king

A sailor's carol

The bells are ringing in the rigging

From the mast they toll

Scotty's up in the crow's nest

Christmas time's on his soul

Hanging up the bunting

Safe and warm at home

Out here a storm's a blowing

Far out to sea they roam

Christmas ghosts move the sails

Christmas memories snap the ropes

All are filled with year-end tales

Tailing off in Christmas hopes

They hope they'll make it back for Christmas

Before the loving fire's embers

Have glowed in a reddened pulp

In the heart of late December

How does your love keep burning

In the hearts of Captain and seamen

Out amongst waves outrageous

To put out the bravest lights?

Hold fast men of Truro's ageless

Sentinels of land and sea

See the burning lighthouse wageless

Fight fraught and dauntless be

Until the tide rings in the changes

And brings your boats back to me

Oh come all ye faithful sailors

Make it back to hope's town free

Egret versus Swan

 Egret:

What you want to beat your wings for you lapping labrador

You lolloping lady of lake

Gliding graceful like a rake

Sucking up all the algae

Filtering through leaf

Sifting spattering beak

Gurgling and gargling

Like a kid at MacDonald's

Really beggars belief

And you call yourself a classy bird?

The King's own bird indeed

Well I think you need a reality check

This rhein ain't your own private beach

Get on over to the other ditch

You go and swan it up with the rich

This here patch is Egret land

You slippery bacon flitch

Swan:

Well, never in my life have I heard

Such words issue from the mouth of a thief

You come over here from Africa

And think you can steal my reef

Immigration indeed, I say

Well white is right, but then I say

I'd rather have a cormorant anyday

Than this bull ass biting beast

Go and huddle with the cattle

Go on an peck up their fleas

These banks are ours I say

This ain't the Mediterranean sea

You could have landed anywhere but

You chose the Wetlands of Shapwick Heath!

Egret:

Listen here my swanee whistle 

you've been blowing your hot air

If you could blow like a thorny thistle

Why don't you go blow over there?!

We Egrets have been migrating sure

From many a foreign shore before

But here we've camped, and here we've stamped

Our mark like a proud cow's hoof

Indeed if you need to hear the proof

We live in the trees see we can build nests

Hidden in the branches for we are blessed

By the Egyptian God Osiris

And it's in his footprint that we walk the Iris

You'll be flagging on the flag stones

And I'm making no bones

About it

We've got skills you can't kill

Or ever hope to match

Hopping over stepping stones

Looking for a fish to catch

If you want to lily pad

You lily livered beast

Then go along and motorhome

You know it's best at least

Swan:

I think that you should read the tome

Of bird etiquette related manual

To show you the map of your way home

That you should be able to handle

But don't come to me with your complaint

That there ain't enough room for us both

You will have to push the boat out

It's covered in your oily greasy

And slip along back to Rome

And the better fortunes find your feet

Than in this dome that is my home

My kingdom

Of Swan retreat

I'm calling up my royal friends

I've got friends in high places you know

I can get you kicked out the country

If I just wave my wings

So don't you dare, try to scare

Or insult a swan at leat

The only ones you need to phone

Are your friends on loser's street

Tamara

 D Tamara, Tamara, E she's gone away

Em I wish tomorrow D7 that she could stay 

D I love ya Tamara, E I've gotta say

 Em I've got love D7 to borrow

G And a bed D in the hay

D But Tamara, Tamara

E She's gone away

Em Tamara, Tamara, D I wish that you'd stay

G Tomorrow, Tomorrow D7 is a long, long way

Em To wait for Tamara D today

D Oh Tamara, oh Tamara, E she's faraway

Em She'll be gone til tomorrow

D7 Down the lonely highway

Oh Tamara, Oh Tamara, she's the one that got away

The love that we cherished

has been threshed like the hay

Well tomorrow, well tomorrow

Is just another day

Still in the hollow morrow

I'll be wishing she'd stayed

Oh Tamara, oh tamara , she's faraway

And in the light of the morrow

I'll think of promises made

Oh tomorrow, oh tomorrow

Is just another day

I'll be thinking of Tamara

like yesterday's hay

Winds a blowing, winds a blowing

And the chimes they do say

Don't you dwell on Tamara

For tomorrow is another day

The whale in me or Jonah the man

 The whale I am

The whale 

in me

I swallowed a whale

I have a big mouth

So they told me down south

And I just wail free

Oh the wail in me

Just had to come out

Oh try to be a man

But there's a whale in me

I talk then I spout

A lot of nonsense

And I'm often blowing hot air

When I walk I tend to beat my own tail

And throw my arse in the air

And when I go down

Oh when I go down

I do so without any care

For the man that I am

Aint worth a damn

But for the whale in me

They told me I was Jonah

But I'm more Jonah lomu

They said I was unlucky 

To be swallowed by a whale

But it was my lucky day

My sister Joan of Ark

Was sailing up with Noah

She said Whoa!

I said Hey!

Won't you give a man a hand

Out of a dark interior

Joan of Ark

She caused a spark

To burn a fire strong

Inside the belly of the whale

Which turned to jelly

Then got a smelly pong

And the whales tongue did burn

He spat me out

And Joan rescued me from the sea

I ended on an island

Full of all the brown boys and girls

Smiling and a laughing

Look at that man with a whale

In his belly

I looked and realized the whale was now inside of me

Whereas I'd been inside of it

And now every time I spit

I spout

I've got that feeling he wants out

Moon wave

 The dogs were howling because the moon was broke

And everyone thought the sun was a joke

But I knew better and knew it a yoke

Of an egg on Easter day

But should I say?

Oh should I heck!

How many have died or broke their neck

Trying to climb the ladder to laugh and play

When they got egg on their face

No, space

Is not the place for me

I'd rather stay humble, on bended knee

And celebrate just being me

born on Christmas day

(I wasn't by the way)

That was just for dramatic effect

To end the poem

In a convenient way

Now it's ended

I think

Anyway

History

 History isn't even a thing

If you don't remember

What someone else is yelling

It's just like a dream

Of Goya's scream

Or perhaps it's a beautiful thing

You can paint it as you wish

For it's just a dish

Set for the eating

You sit down to dine

With lamb and fine wine

But you find yourself repeating

History isn't really a thing

It's just a memory painting

All there is is now

So let's start living

Edelweiss the gangster

 Edelweiss, Edelweiss

I'm not good and half as nice

Look at me in my clothes of vice

Edelweiss, Edelweiss

Possession

 Once when I was young

I once had a love,

A love all of my own

But then a storm came along

And swallowed my song

And now I am all alone

The love in the trees

The birds know the breeze

The song of the wind they own

But their love has wings

And it does sing

Of song all on its own

I knew about the bees

And have sold many fleas

In the market of the lost souls

Who sweetly pass the day

Making their hay

Singing of the nothing they own

WolfAlice

 Wolf Alice, Wolf Alice

What's it all about?

Got a bullet in your shirt

It's gonna make you shout

Crying out loud with the

Pain of the world

Well you cry like a wolf

But you're just a little girl

Shoot me from your wigwam

Shoot at me through the trees

There's plenty of lice on Alice's knees

Got a gun, got a sun

And whole row of fleas

All jumping around

your sandcastles by the seas

Wolf Alice I love ya

You're gonna make me bleed

All the way to Alabama with

Your mouth full of greed

return your red coat to the fire

Wolf Alice you were trapped

By one man's desire

I should have held your hand 

as you walked through the wood

But I was just a wolf not a Robin Hood

I should have delivered you safe 

to your grandma's house

But instead I ate her up

Now I feel such a louse

My mother always told me

Not to carry a loaded gun

But now when I look at her

I think that I'm not her son

I'm a failure as a man

And I never made it as a wolf

I hope you understand

Or is it that you needed proof?

I should eat my ham

And shoot my bears

But I'm in a wigwam

Full of my own cares

Well they're looking to me

To fill in the black gap

But I'm lost in the wood

And I don't have a map

I should've been born a wolf

But I was only born a man

Now there's a big gulf

Between what I want and 

what I am

Burn me with your fire

Hurt me with your stakes

It was all my own desire

That made my mistakes

I've got ruby red shoes

I stole from a witch

And poisonous potion

That's making me itch

I start to grow hairs

On the end of my nose

And I keep climbing the stairs

And taking off my clothes

Shoot me once inside the temple

I've come here to prey

Because I don't like the hemp oil

Now I've fallen in love 

With a fallen Angel

She flies like a dove

Just as the bells toll

 

Quack a day duck

 Well someone said hey

And I said duck

What! Watch out!

It's a submersible, fuck!

So Quack away

Come on Quack away

The flippers kick fast

But it's smooth on top

So come on Quack, Quack

Around New Zealand

The times may come that it's hard to say

Come on Quack away, oh Quack away

It's all just water off a duck's back

So let's Quack, Quack

Around New Zealand

A tufty tail

And a beak that Quacks

Quack away, come on Quack away

You could be a Quaker or you could be a Crack

Come on Quack, Quack 

around New Zealand

Well it's jus de l'orange

Or it's crispy or chop sui

Quack away, come on Quack away

You might talk strange

But I think it's phooey

Quack, Quack around New Zealand

I think I need a doctor

For I've hurt my back

Come on Quack away, yes Quack away

But they give me a witch doctor 

who talks like a Quack

So Quack, Quack around New Zealand 

Flowers

 Well I brought you flowers in the morning

And I brought you flowers in the day

Well I brought you flowers

because of their special powers

I thought that they might make you stay

Well I brought you flowers in the evening

And I brought you flowers in the day

Well I brought you flowers

In the night time hours

Because I thought that they might make you stay

My heart is like a clock winding down

It keeps chiming for your love in town

Well time keeps slipping away 

like the sand in the bay

And I keeping trying 

to take your hand to make you stay

But the tide washes the shore

And I can't see our footprints anymore

And I hope with these flowers 

you'll understand that these hours

Are like the love that I pour on you every day

Well the flowers stand wilting in the vase

And the sand washes away in the bay

But in the evening hours

In the evening hours

I keep bringing you flowers

Trying to say that I wanted you to stay

And this day, now it is done

And the sun in its way has shone, 

But tomorrow is another day

And my heart is full to the brim

It's being sung out in every hymn

And just like the sun 

It is going, going now it's gone

While your flowers keep

Growing in your vase