Wednesday nights

 I mixed up my Wednesday night community hall classes

There was Kung foo and Weight watchers

I couldn't decide which to join

So I decided to combine them into the Kung Food Fighters

Where we deflect blows from parsnips

And other hard vegetables

The Nautical Strawberry

 Sea Shanty Shepton

Oh come to the Mendips

Where the rain drizzles down

And the cows are like seals who swim over the crown

Of the grass which swells

Like a giant tsunami to Wells

And the sheep are like dolphins skimming along

Ducking and diving singing whale song

The rabbits are the tuna leaping in the air

Badgers are the monkfish, Salmon are our hares

And we are the sailors fishing in these seas

Leas of green grasses, gardens of green peas

Bringing on our sea fruit, water raspberry

Marine cabbages and the nautical Strawberry

As we plough the paths with mattocks, 

As we scythe or strim the grass tussocks

We sing our sea shanty songs

To the moon and the sun

Oh I wish to be a real sailor hauling out to sea

But I'm in my tractor ploughing the brown lea

Oh our straits are real narrow, 

they are as wide a wheel barrow

And my moles do burrow furrows like twisting eels

And we have furlongs and leagues for our steeds

no 49th Parallel nor sea horses indeed

If you're looking for the Rock of Gibraltar

You could do no better than the Glastonbury tower

That sits like an island in the stream

Yet we still have our sea shanty dream

That we are battling spray jets

Hunting whales for bets

Porpoises and dolphins seen

Somewhere jumping over fields of green

You may see storms fronts rolling in

But we see hedges trapping us on the Mendips

As the shore is lapping thin

But we keep on a hopin'

There will be some ropin'

So we keep on haulin' in

For we may catch a whale

If you never try, you never fail

And if we keep tryin' we may eventually win

C'est Fin!

Something Fishy

 I smell something fishy

Down at the sea shanty

But I can't put my finger on it

Is it the wishy washy, dishy sloshy 

pantry?

Or is it the lack of a mast?

I think we're on dry land, Avast!

Put out me hearties

We'll sail passed Haskins

And up on over the ride

There's a strong wind at our tail 

 blowing filling our sails

Throw the jettison over the side

We need to lose weight

The hull she's a sinking

A listing over to one side

From when she hit a car at Tescos

Whooah there she blows!

A whale down the West Shepton rise

Flukes in the air at West Compton road

Fire me flares on the ridge

Harpoon the Right Whale turning left at the hospital

Let's moor up here for a smidge

They like their tonguing in Bowlish

They talk in tongues down in Darshill

In Longbridge many sailors are Polish

They swig rum from the bottle on Tipcote hill

Let's tack into the wind past the Viaduct

The Whale is towing us North

We've been sailors since before the empire sucked

The British sure had a good few ships put forth

And many a sailor came from the Mendips

Many from the coast of course

But they hew down the oak trees to build Galleons

And Spanish bulleons crossed the atlantic in force

Wooly jumpers from Shepton hit the high seas

And they were exported on fast clippers to India

Jumping woolies wished they were on board them

But they had to grow more wool on them first

Swim away

 Swim away you Whales

Swim away today

Swim away you porpoise dolphins

Swim away you may

Be free from net or barbed spear

Swim from jetty or the pier

Swim, now swim away

Swim away you swimmers

Swim across the bay

Swim away to freedom

Swim away today

Swim around the headland

Swim on through the waves

Swim away to freedom

You no longer are the slaves

The day we went to catch the whale

Oh the ropes were singing in our hands

The soap suds were a rubbing

Upon the decks with our arms and hands

The planks and boards a scrubbing

Gleaming were the gunwales

Taught strung our bright sails

On that morning it was all aboard

The day we went to catch a whale

Oh laddie, bet your britches daddy

Get harpoon and fork or spoon

We're off to land a baddy

Oh Mammy, you sent him off your Sammy

Now he's aboard with a scope and swore he spied a tail

The day we went to catch the whale

As we put out the salty locks

Of seaweed slapped our faces

The flow tide from the Bristol docks

Put us through our paces

Then just between Flatholm and Steepholm

We saw the spraying traces

Of Whale flukes like Royal Dukes

Off to see the races

Oh laddie, bet your britches daddy

Get harpoon and fork or spoon

We're off to land a baddy

Oh Mammy, you sent him off your sonny

Now he's aboard with a scope and swore he spied a tail

We'll never got bored as the seagulls soared

The day we went to catch the whale

As we approached the whales broached

A certain conversation

They gave forth their spume and froth

Like every whale nation

But our boats answered back in a likewise forthright manner

And towed the line of harpoon twine

And rowed out to meet them tongs and hammer

Oh laddie, bet your britches daddy

Get harpoon and fork or spoon we're off to land a baddy

Upon the deck we craned our necks to be first to spy a tail

It all was all aboard, then sally forth

the day we went to catch a whale

The first mate threw his harpoon screw

And it skewered itself in

The Right whale's side but he couldn't abide

The whaleman's avaricious grin

The whale came in, the whale went out

It dove down and pulled us about

The whale went out and it came back in

The day we went to catch a whale

Back and forth the whale fought

In and out the harbour

Never better a whale man's sport

Than for something he must labour

Coming round the headland coming up the leas

We were nearly in Newfoundland

By the time he began to wheeze

Down he dove like a Jove

Then like a Jupiter ascending

He came back up and stove-in

our hull as if to him offending

The captain hopped upon his toes

The first mate danced a jig

To think of all the damaged blows

done to his precious rig

But the devilish whale never left the water

so we never did the tonguing and slaughter

But he beat his tail like a gale 

The day we went to catch a whale

Oh laddie, bet your britches daddy

Get harpoon and fork or spoon

We're off to land a baddy

Oh Mammy, you sent him off your Sammy

Now he's aboard with a scope and swore he spied a tail

We'll never get bored as the seagulls soared

The day we went to catch the whale

He towed us back to Bristol docks

And round the rocks of Portishead

In ebb tide we nearly died upon the estuary bed

But the flood of new blood lifted us from our slumber

The whale now freed from seaweed towed on his lumber

Upon the pier, a crowd appeared to cheer us on our return

Seeing our sorry manner they took down their banner to burn

The whales eye did seem to spy our state of poor appraisal

And enjoyed how he had toyed with us by his fierce assail

But his was a tale of a fluke not a fail, for safe back home we'd sailed

And no one railed but drank deep his ale

They day we went to catch the whale

Oh laddie, bet your britches daddy

Get harpoon and fork or spoon

We're off to land a baddy

Oh Mammy, you sent him off your Sammy

Now he's aboard with a scope and swore he spied a tail

We'll never get bored as the seagulls soared

The day we went to catch the whale

A swinging good time

 Oh we had a swinging good time

Swinging on the Strawberry line

Swinging billhooks and swinging scythes

Swinging axes and taxes and tithes

Swinging dog poo in its bags

Into hedges makes Steve mad!

Swinging dogs and hogs and do

Swinging horses, boar thistle and ragwort too

All about on a Friday morn

While Jane was swinging her strimmer at the corn

Grasses and weeds and dandelion dawn

That brightened over the ridge rise

Where the orange men marched their bridge with pride

Detecting swinging bricks and bats

Detecting swinging cricks and cracks

Everything was swinging 

We had a swinging good time

As the birds were singing

In the sweet sunshine

A town called Mallet

Looking for some life about

Walk up and down the road

Walking to the North or South

But all I see are frogs and toads

Oh it's a town called Mallet

Looking for some life about

Crossing the roads and paths 

Hearing the sounds of parties 

But I get lost walking in the park

In a town called Mallet

Falling out with everyone

Everyone I ever knew

Because let's face it, there is not much else

Not much else for folks to do

In a town called Mallet

Every boring evening 

should be filled with life and joy

But when it comes to believing 

I become your like your little toy

In a town called Mallet

Dum, dum de da, dum dum de da dum

Neighbours in their windows

As nosey as can be

Lookin' out at what the wind blows

Down the streets so ill-at-ease

Here comes the love again

Behind Shapes and figurines

Here comes the love again

Just daggers and smoke screens

In town called Mallet

Here love is just a dog's bark

That goes echoing down the alley

And the river flows in the dark

Down the Sheppey valley

In a town called Mallet

I should have left here years ago

No, I should never have came

But I followed where the wind blows

No I just ran away in shame

To a town called Mallet

I think I have to leave here now

It's broken and it's torn

And all the love is an illusion somehow

All love since I was reborn

In a town called Mallet