The moorhen shuffle

 You kick your leg to the left

You kick your foot to the right

You get your feathers in a ruffle

You do the moorhen shuffle

Round and round and round the pond you go

Where you gonna stop nobody knows

If you meet a dog you do the quick step

If you meet a sea gull on the hop

You do a kick back

You kick back and forward

And forward and back

You wave your wings

Like you're in a flap

You kick your leg to the left

You kick your foot to the right

You get your feathers in a ruffle

You do the moorhen shuffle

Where's my Auntie gone?

 Oh she causes me such agony

I really think she's a plant

Yes I think her name's Antigone

She's my Agony Aunt

Oh I told her I found a dead body

Along the road one day

I said to her :Should this body be buried the right way?

And what did she say?

She said he's my brother, bury him in the clay

But the King said, no go have a nice day

Oh she's my Agony Aunt

So I lifted my uncle and laid him the clay

But the King got angry and

Got in my way he said

Where's Antigone gone?

I said she's gone to make Hay

Oh She was in Agony all of the way

She's my Agony Aunt

I think that she's a plant

She likes to meditate

Perhaps she is a vegetable

Because she vegetates

But if I'm right or if I'm wrong

It doesn't matter at the end of the day

Because I tell her my problems

And she gives me her slant

She's my Agony Aunt

My Enchanted lady

 Oh my Enchanted lady

You're so green in your forest scene

Running through the glades so shady

With leaves falling of Autumn's skein

Oh my enchanted lady,

But watch out for that branch

Crash, crunch it's too late, it was so hazy

In the fog, you missed the ranch

Come on inside my Enchanted Lady

Grandmother's not home, but I'm your aunt

Yes I know I look rather too hairy

But that's just my facial hair it grows like a plant

Come a little closer my Enchanted Lady

Come a little closer I don't bite

Oh but what's that in your hand, are you crazy?

Don't you know this bed's highly flammable, and you bring a light

Oh my god my Enchanted lady

I can't believe you've set my bed a light

And now I'm burning alive I thought you were my little daisy

But it turns out you're an avenging Angel of the night

What have you got against wolves anyway, my Enchanted lady

Don't you know we're an endangered species, down to five?

Couldn't you just have shown me the door, is that so lazy?

You had to go and burn me in your Grandma's bed alive!

Fire at Barrow-in-Furness

Police say there's no new clear risk to the public

or nuclear risk?

Due North

 (C) Oh my Captain, my (G) soul

(F) Take my ship where you want it to (G) go

(C)It's under your  (F) control

Now

(Bb)But the compass shows we've gone off course

(F)For we should be heading

 (C)due North

(C) North where the polar bears are swearing blue murder

(F) North where the soldiers aren't respecting the border

(C) North in the arctic circle, 

(Bb) and the straits of miracle 

(F)Oh North, 

(C) heading due North

 (c) It's getting colder, but my soul is getting (G) warmer

(F) Sun's getting lower, darkness (G)over my shoulder

(C) I was born in the south like a (G) swallow

(F) But I feel now it's my soul (G) I must follow

(Bb)On it's true course

(F)That's why I'm heading

(C)Due North

(F)And if you catch me 

(C)then I should be easy to spot

(F)My legs are running free

(C)And my temperature is hot

(Bb) like a coal

(F)And though it is freezing

(C)Just know that I am not

(Bb)For I am following the  (G)force

(F)I am heading 

(C)due North

(C) We are rolling

(F)On the wild free ocean

(C) And I am letting go

(F)Of all my sad emotion

(C)Now it's free

(F)There's only one place I want to be

(Bb) On earth

(F)That is heading 

(c) Due North

Mermaid Halloween or a dark tale

 I met a mermaid, a slipper a slapper

I met a mermaid, a flipper a flapper, a mermaid

Oh we walked along the Bristol docks

For she wished me to buy her a frock

A slipper, a slapper, a mermaid 

But she could not walk so I pushed her in a barrow

Along the cobbled streets and the lanes quite narrow

A flipper, a flapper mermaid

But when I told her I had no money

A slipper, a slapper, a flipper, a flapper

She hit me with her tail and she looked at me funny

A slipper, a slapper, a mermaid

Well I said I told you I was but a sailor

Then she told me what she needed was really a tailor

a slipper, a slapper a mermaid

So I took her to the fishmonger

a flipper, a flapper a mermaid

And I said to him, I'd like her topped and tailed

A slipper a slapper, a mermaid

So he chopped off her tail and gave me £60 for the sale

A flipper, a flapper a mermaid

And I thought that was the end of my fish-bride-tale 

A slipper, a slapper a mermaid

But her fishtail grew a head like the whale 

a flipper a flapper a mermaid

And I think the fishmonger made a good sale

A slipper a slapper, a mermaid

But her top half I put back in the barrow

A flipper a flapper a mermaid

And the fishmonger did make her a wrapper

A slipper a slapper, a mermaid

He said: the price of fish is a terrible thing

It can make a haddock hack, and a mackerel sing

If you love a mermaid Jack, then make her a ring

And marry head and tail, that's price of a fish market sale

He said: the price of fish is a thing to abide

It goes up in bad weather and down like the tide

And if you're a sailor then neither a tailor be

What's the price of fish worth when there's plenty

more in the sea?

Back home on the sofa, my mermaid and me

We tried to get closer, but she was pale as can be

So I went to the kitchen to brew her a cup of tea

A flipper, a flapper, a mermaid

When I came back in, two new legs she had sprouted

And I looked at them fondly , but then she sad doubted

That she could ever walk again, so I said then let's just try

And she walked and did the splits and kicked up high to the sky

Oh a flipper a flapper, my new mermaid bride

Was the full ticket now as we walked the dock side

And I brought her to the boutique where a new frock she tried

Oh a slipper and a slapper, she looked so good I could've cried

Oh a flipper and flapper, my girl walked a clip clapper

Oh a slipper and a slapper she could dance a toe tapper

And we walked around the fish market, and I never thought

Of the sale

But I think that she remembered because she looked a bit pale

So if you ever love one side of a mermaid, but you don't love the other

Don't confuse Mary Magdalene with the fairy Godmother

You can just accept her, or you can chop her in two for a laugh

But when you refer to her later, you better call her your better half

Metacarpal

 I met a carp all about the pool

Swimming 

In a pool the other day

I met a day all awash with rain

He said you fool why have you come

Without your fish scales

I said I tuned out but

Last I heard you were

A bridged whales

A bridge to Wales so

You say, ah but hearsay gossip

Don't listen to the neigh Sayers

Only the horse's mouth and lips

Saint George

 I remember when I was a child

And the painting

the mural on the wall of the Catholic

Church

Of Saint George fighting the dragon

It always gave me heart

I fell into that tapestry

I was one of those people running scared

But I knew Saint George would save me

Because he is always there

Just when I need him

I call him in my prayers

And he will come and fight my demons

He will make peace with bears

The Horse's shoe

 Oh Jamie

The polish on your glasses

Is not same

I feel I forget my own

Name

Ee

There's a hill named frog

It's drunk up all the grog

And

I think that it's such a 

Shame

ee

Well you run a bar like a Queen

We are so far

But ever green

we think We're middle aged

But actually it saged

The wisest amongst us

Is never seen

I had 2 pints of Blindman's bluff

The blond beer

Was the golden stuff

You served it like a queen

It was all so Steve McQueen

But you know I'm really no

Film buff

If there was some place to

Leave my package

Like DPD or Amazon

Raffle

Perhaps the post office

Had returned

Would you like to show Saint George

Just how we remember his name?

We shine the flagpole

We raise

The flag of blame

I prefer blame to shame

But both have skin in the game

Both can make the conscience flinch

Both can make the face pained pink

It is an honest account

At least that's what alcohol amounts

To

And no, no, no doubt

His wife would have something to shout

About

Oh Jamie

You drive men mad

With your body shaped like a jar

So curvy, it's like you're a star

Of the overwrought at the bar

I have to say I noticed

But do I think you'd be 

The one 

Making friends with an alcoholic

Is not the way to beat

The cholic

He already has your number

Written on

His shirt sleeves' umbra

Shadow of the fallen race

Yet he is the one

Of poor taste

No religious nut is he

Only One flew over the cuckoo's tree

And state and all is free

When we let all things just be

History of the heart

 I was thinking about the heart and how the blood flows around the chambers

and how this could be performed by dressing four people up in blues and reds

And having others as the Vena Cava

I'm the Aorta

No I'm the Aorta, you're the pulmonary artery

If you're the pulmonary artery

Then I'm the left ventricle

You're are the left ventricle my arse

You're the Right atrium

And they have arguments and confusion until they

Finally agree and come together to form the heart and then

They start pulsating and moving

And other actors come through the system and are squeezed and

Pushed through the one way system of the heart

And next it could be like in a city

And the M25 junction

Or the spaghetti junction

And there could be speeding blood vessels

Taken over by police blood vessels

And engineers trying to reinforce the Dartford tunnel

Or the Aorta - and the heart could be

The heart of London?

And the bridges could be the valves

Then we could talk about the history of the heart like chambers

And the chambers of the House of commons

Or some bed chambers or something

Woodland Elves

 Their faces grim

Without a whim

Of any form of Welcome

The group was set against itself

And all outside invasion

A clique set, an in-crowd

They knew themselves

They would die proud

And glory be for glorified be

Their one aim of their devotion

A strong team set to hold the bridge

They fought like rabid hamsters

Against the other side or set 

To rid the West Shepton monsters

They woodland elves bettered themselves

And like termites they invaded

And ate up all the goodly jobs

Just like our friendly neighbours

But why hate your enemies

Why not love them instead

Just because they invade the territory

You yourself have set?

No, wars have been started over lesser things than these

I guess it was up to us to defend

The bridge and fight for Jane and Steve

Art bank robbery

 It's late in the evening and someone decides to dance

And then their seat is taken by someone who takes a chance

But he not only takes a chance, he steals a place and setting

Can you get what I'm getting at, is the chair just a symbol of you

It's an art bank robbery

It's late in the evening and the poets colour is draining

The tea and cake have worked a treat but in his heart it's raining

Then in from the cold come the foreign spies, except they're English lads

Out on a night,

They should be in the working men's club

Their colours are white their values are blue

But they've come into the art bank to rob it of its hue

They heckle at the singers, they cast their gazes around

As if we are all their enemies as if they expect the sound

Of tiny hearts a beating afraid of their cultural appropriation

But if they steal our music we give them it, 

It's an art bank robbery

Mr No Won El Se

 I met Mr No One Else 

Every time I don't need him he turns up

He is like my shadow, my mirror

Or my Patron Saint

Saint No One Else is Here!

Hoorah!

I call for my Father,

But he is on a Holy Day

He's taking a holiday from being holy

I always knew it was going to be

That way

Makes me want to mosey on out of here

Get myself out of harm's way

Because if No One Else is gonna harm me

Well I might try and do it myself

I suppose I need an escape clause

I need to get off the shelf

And into life itself

Shallow's shadows

 Hallowed ground

Oh shallow ground

Where the graves aren't deep

And the people lying in them

hardly can they sleep

Oh bury me not in hallowed ground

But bury me in the sea's neap

I have always been a ship swaying

In the harbour's tide

Rising up with every emotion

Going down as if I've died

But all it is is the ocean

And the moon who is my bride

And I've tried to love her

Deeply, deeply

But found each day

I'm shallow drowned

So bury me not in hallowed ground

But out in the sea of the shapeless sound

Leapfrog

 I walked my way to this cliff

I knew I'd be our last kiss

I leap I fall I leave it all

But find that I can fly

I soar, I spiral, I dive

I come up again, alive

Amazing feeling of being free

But I had to jump in order to be

Me

Swallows who amaze on time

 Oh but those people I've left behind

Or did they leave me

Or did time just fly

Oh in the wind we lie

Like swallows on the wing

Asleep for most of our lives

Until we realise we can sing

Thinking of let

 I'm thinking of letting you think

If you're thinking of letting me let

And if you are getting with letting me get

What I think you are thinking of getting

Me drinking until getting me wet

Well if you are drinking of lettings and gets

Or Getting on with drinking and thinking

There should be nothing you forget

Except to let go of your thinking

For we all need room to think

And some need a space to drink

A gold fish has both in his bowl

As wiseman may have in his tower

And who said a man's home is his castle

When the walls of the mind are so thin

That a barrage of Amazon parcels

Could disturb the good mood he is in

Tinker

My name is Tinker 

I live on the ground floor

I live downstairs from you

Yes, I think you’ve seen me before

 

If you hear something in the day

Some kind of barking, some kind of bay

Just don't ask me what it was

Just don't ask me what it was

Just don't ask me what it was

 

I think it's because I'm a black dog

That they made me bark so loud

They wanted me to fight wild hogs

Just so I could please the crowd

 

They only tease you until you bark

After that you're afraid of the dark

You just aren't friendly anymore

You just aren't friendly anymore

You just aren't friendly anymore

 

Yes I think it's a nice day

I'm going for a walk again

If you ask Becky that's what she'll say

And she's my friend now and always 

 

I guess I like it when we are alone

With nice words spoken, and a juicy bone

Just don't ask me what’s the plan?

Becky says we’re moving to Ilfracombe

Just know we’re going to the sea and sand

 

My name is Tinker

Now I live on the first floor

I live upstairs from you

Yes, I think you've seen me before

 

If you hear something in the day

Some kind of laughter, some kind of play

Just know that I'm happy now

Just know that I'm happy now

Just know that I'm happy now

 

Yes, I think I’m happy now

I walked along the shore again

If you ask Becky, that’s what she’ll say

And life’s good in Ilfracombe all the way

 

Now they only please me when they pass

And I can go run in the sea and play at last

Now we'll just be happy forevermore

Now we'll just be happy forevermore

Now we'll just be happy forevermore

Rooves of the land

 Rooves of the land

Unite all under one roof

Let not the weather take

The upper hand

But defend, defend the house of truth

All the red riding hood summer plans

All the pigs in their brick houses, goof

Oh all the wolves who are outsiders

Trying to blow down the roof

Rooves of the land unite against

The common threat of rain

And hail

Make yourselves bullet proof

Oh, tile not carelessly

Ye roofers spiralling high

On ladders and on scaffolding

Shaky stilts of ill design

Let not the rooves of England fail

Whether thatched or English shingles

Dingle not, nor dangle your crop

In guttering like pringles

For once you pop you can't stop

Your roof repairing jingles