Joke 123

 Austentatious-Appearing like Jane Austen

Catalytic converters or Catholic converters

What do you cook beetroot in? 

Beethoven

Who is the most indestructible British politician?

In Vince Cable in it

Ball park games

 You can't change a heart that's fixed

on being hard

You can't send back to the start

Something that's gone wrong 

so many yards

I threw the ball you caught it

Why we were in the same

ball park

So why did you sell your 

season ticket

To the nearest loan shark

You know you'll want it back

But now with interest

Can't you see you gave up your seat

For the match of the century

I've tried to reason with you

I've eaten the bitter seed

I've tasted what life feels like

Without that kind of need

But there is a feeling inside

That is more than simply greed 

I'm standing in the yard

Rain is falling on my song

I can't remake this art

Into something so strong

Wax on, wax off

 The ear wax consultant fell in love

With a rubber glove

They met in the Ear canal

Upon An aural gondola floating the ear drum

beat loud with her hearts rhythm

thurum, thurum

Until she did succumb

To the wax monster

The slug

 of

Candle plug

She lit the wick

To his dick

And blew it all apart

In a discharge

I was taken off the patient list

I'd overstepped the mark

Ejaculation according to suction

The hum of the speculum

The line was drawn in the sand

But from space it looked like a giant ear

Perhaps the Mayans had ear wax removal too

And knew it to be a

transcendental experience

Help you

 How, how can I help you?

How can I help, he ha ha he help you?

How, ow aw ho, ha how can I

How can I help you?

Being an alcoholic

 Being an alcoholic

You can park right in the space

And wait to go into the meeting

With a smile upon your face

Yes, come join the alcoholics

Oh we're such a happy crew

Everybody in the same boat

It was sinking but who knew?

Being an alcoholic

It's a wonderful thing to be

When you realize what you're missing

Is a life of catastrophe

Yes I say come along to a meeting

Come along today

There's nothing better than sharing

What you'd never say publicly

Just mind when you park your car

All the others have scratches and dents

From all the times the drunken drivers

Have driven their cars into a fence

Don't worry cos most are walking

And some they ride a bike

Because the last time they drove

Off their face the cops knew their like

It's not always so bucolic

Sometimes melancolic

At time maniacal frolics

But I try and keep it on the level

Ready with a bevel

And a cup of tea

But that's what being an alcoholic

Feels like to me

Art wank

 I went to the louvre

And I wanked over the Mona Lisa

I saw Van Gogh's Sunflowers

And whacked off all over them

I Jacked off over a Jackson Pollock

And it made no difference I could see

I masturbated over Matisse's blue nude

And even Monet's water lilies

And then they banned me

What reason did they have?

I was only showing my love for the Arts

Self-expression, that's art, that's all I was doing

You can't ever please some people

The vice of the president

 The vice of the president is something to see

He takes a look in the mirror, it's his own vanity

And the lice that are resident inside his blond hair

Show how inherent the vice is that lives inside of there

Yes he has a life sized wig

It's hard to tell if it's a skunk or pig

But we know that it stinks of Mr Big

Who has the vice of a president, in a life size wig