Bagpipe band

 I'm going to learn the bagpipes

And start my own band

We'll march up and down the street

Making quite a stand

They will hear us coming

They sure won't understand

Why a bloody southerner

Would want to start a bagpipe band

Building bridges

Let's build bridges

Let's not divide

We have to get to the otherside

Make amends 

And be friends

For the road it can end

Too soon if we're not careful

So tend the edges

Trim the verge

Mind the ledges

Resist the urge

To destroy what we've create together

Forces of nature, or wild weather

can still smother

But mother, father, sister brother

All should gather, love one another

For bridges build new links and connections

Between communities under vivisection

And these are the ties that bind

So cross the bridges in your mind

Stairlift to heaven

 There's a Lady I know and she's very old

And she's buying a stairlift to heaven

When she gets to the store, she promised to call

So I can pick it up for her and it can get where it's going

Ooh and she's buying a stairlift to heaven

There's a sign on the wall, saying mind you don't fall

Because the footrest sometimes can be misleading

Oh, and it makes me wonder

Ooh and it makes me wonder

There's a feeling I get when I put on my vest

and my whisky bottle is still near the bottom

In my thoughts I have seen the wood for the trees

And I clearly know which stairlift I would choose 

Ooh and it makes me wonder

Ooh and it really makes me wonder

And it's whispered in the mobility store

That the stannah is the best one

And the others are shit, and break when you sit

And your family will laugh when you ride it

Oh-oh-oh-oh-whoa

If there's a hustle and your budgie, don't sing out

Well then there's probably a gas leak

And if two mobility scooters crash on the street

Then they should've been looking where they were going

And it makes me wonder

ohh, whoa

If your head is humming, there's probably a bee in your bonnet

And you need to call a beekeeper

Dear landlady I can hear the wind blow through my window

And it's giving me a stiff neck on my stairlift

And as we wind up the spiral staircase

I'm impressed how they got the geometry right

For there's a lady that I know well, she's my landlady

And she thinks that she is snow white

Still she's looking in the store at the stairlifts

And she can't quite decide which to go for

And at last I say it doesn't matter anymore 

Because we can live in a bungalow or on the ground floor

But she's still buying a stairlift to heaven

Billie Piper Song

 Billie, Billie Piper, what made them want to try to snuff you out

Billie was a piper born in the Mendip hills

Born in the smoke stack hills

Where Breweries and carpenters drew up their bills

But God was his tobacco and he smoked his fill

He blow his smoke out of his ears and out his gills

Oh Billie, Billie piper the last pirate in the world

They never hung another, not for piracy killed

His life was a burning ember too hot to handle with skill

Oh Billie, Billie Piper should have his face on a dollar bill

Burn on up me lovers oh tear the whole world down

The world is cruel to those who've been robbed of their crown

He was once the supplier of clay pipes for the town

Worked from dawn till dusk making his clay pipes sound

No he never harmed a man, never did a wrong

Except for stealing to survive and making his life long

But for all the laws of England that were brought into play

He broke each one accordingly and they smashed his pipes of clay

Oh Billie, Billie Watts was a piper's son, he learnt his trade

Upon the hills and stuck onto his guns, 

forces of a tragic time, or an act of God?

Brought the smokes of nature to cloud over his life

We are each brought into this world a shining and entire

But we soon lose our gold, turn silver to bronze then expire

Nothing can prevent the waning of the years

But we can still keep on smoking and burning through our tears

Yes don't let the rain put out your fire, hold your pipes to the flame

Let the smoke rise higher, heaven is a long way off from our desire

We can only change what we can change, but all change sing the choir

I can hear the flag snapping on the mast

But is the flag of my country or the skull and crossbones that I hold fast

Sure we are just flesh and bones and not a nationality

To keep body and soul together holds a penalty

Have you ever heard of Billy Watts, He was a piper's son

Sure that Billy had some guts to do what he had done

They put him on a boat to Australia for stealing from someone

But Billy Watts was a fighter who kept fighting til he was gone

Oh Billy, Billie Watts look what you've done

Just stole two pigeons and some cloth, they found you the guilty one

Nothing much to speak of, but back then the love was none

He was tried and convicted and soon evicted to the land of the rising sun

Nobody saw him coming but they knew him by reputation

In a land where the criminals were charged with building a nation

Nobody asked him, they just made him work and toil

To bring in his daily bread he had to till the soil

But that wasn't work for a piper, nor one who could use his hands

And craft things finer than a vintage bottle of wine

He upped and he left that farm on Vandeimansland 

And he brewed bootleg liquor to sell on down the line

Oh Billie, Billie the piper, what made them punish you

You only did what you had to, did what you had to do

But they caught up with you, you gave them the smoke signal

But they never put out your pipe

Billie Watts- the last pirate

Billie, Billie Watts

The last Pirate of the time

In an age of floating clocks

Where water turned into Wine

He was sent on transport docks

For committing a petty crime

Well Billie, Billie Watts

Can you please tell me the time?

It's a quarter to four in the morning

I was born tired and yawning

My mother put on the fire in the hearth

There was warmth and there was mirth

At the hour of my birth

But the fire cried out the last laugh was mine

Oh Billie, Billie Watts will you please tell me the time?

For your story is a long one and we must know of your crime

Well my mother was a poor one and she soon died in time

I became an Orphan child oh but the fire blew wild

Still they gave me to the church in the village of my Birth

And Christ he saved my life on the path where lives cross

I was given to my new father Edward Watts pipe maker

Oh Billie, Billie Watts, will you please tell us the time?

How came you to be lost to this village of thine?

It was as the century turned that I began to learn

My trade that would set me up for my life

I learnt to make clay pipes and carved them with a knife

And the villagers smoked my pipes from all around

Oh Billie, Billie Watts will you please tell us the time?

How came you to be convicted of such a crime?

It is the summer of 1815 and the sky turned dark and grey

From volcanic ash by an eruption in Indonesia they say

Nobody bought my pipes and my masters were not paid

So I was laid off work and in that poor state I stayed

The weathers they were cruel it was cold and snow ruled

In Oakhill not a scrap of food could be spared

I had to beg and borrow and when that failed I could not swallow

And to feed my hunger I stole so I wouldn't starve

Oh Billie, Billie Watts will you tell us what time it is

Is it time for you to be on your way?

Yes I was but a lad of eighteen when the law caught up with me

But I was old enough to know the score

They tried me in the docks and and instead of in the stocks

I was put on a boat bound for Australia

For the next six years, I worked with sweat and tears

And tried to build a life in Van Diemen's land

Life there was hard, but still, I could rely on my skill

That I had learnt back in my home village of Oakhill

Oh Billie, Billie Watts can you tells us what time you've got?

How you lived and you made a living down under?

I lived in this harsh land of devils and sea and sand

But still turned my hand to thieving

Something would turn my head though I'd known I was misled

I did the crime though still believing

I was lashed 200 times for my various crimes

And had so many scars I stopped counting

Oh Billie Billie Watts will you tell us what time you've got

For our clocks have all stopped at the feeling

It is 1821 and my new life had begun, When I married my Mrs Esther Wright

She was a convict just like me, and in our hearts we both were free

From the laws that robbed us of our homelands

I sold bootleg liquor and my boots were quicker, 

Than the lawmen who chased me up and down the country

But they finally caught up with me Even though I was free

And they put me back into a prison of their making

Oh Billie, Billie Watts, can you tell us what time you've got

For your time is running out and you must get going

It is 1829 and they've convicted me of another crime

This time a death sentence was pronounced upon me

So they put me on a government ship, and it set off on its trip

All the way across the seas to Cypress

But we were convicts born free and so we had to mutiny 

And fought for control of the ship and from our penalty

Oh Billie, Billie Watts, can you tell us what time you've got

For your crime of stealing two pigeons and a piece of cloth

Aboard we fought our captors, overwhelmed their capture

And in my Christian heart I could not harm them

For living is a trial and we must not live in denial

Of our true natures of brotherhood to all men

Instead we set them free on an island in the sea

And we set off on our pirate life to New Zealand

Oh Billie, Billie Watts, can you tell us what time you've got

And how you turned the other cheek and lived as a freeman

We journeyed round the South Sea to China, Tonga and Japan 

And lived our merry lives as a pirate and a freeman

Smoked many pipes, read my bible every night

And kept in my heart my homeland

Oh Billie, Billie Watts, can you tell us what time you've got

And how you made it back to your homeland

After such an exciting life, I missed my country's life

And I wanted no more the sea's adventure

So we returned to London docks and in the Thames were put in stocks

And I was tried for piracy like a traitor

But I never harmed my jailors and nor to my faith was a betrayer

But believing in doing unto others what you would have done unto you

Yet the law of England is final and I was executed from a high nail

They hung my body from London bridge as a pirate

In the city of the big smoke, I was a pipe smoking bloke

Who sang his last tune as the last pirate to swing

Oh Billie, Billie Watts now we know what time you've got

You've run out out and now your bell has tolled

Yours is a tragic story, but still one of hope and glory

And life of a strong heart and spirit never sold

Billie Watts

Billie piped up and said

What's all this, this ain't right

I shan't kill my captors

 Willie Watts, Willie Watts

What a guy was Willie Watts!

Where's Watts gone for how long

I can't see him in Oakhill town

Willie Watts was a pipe maker

Blowing smoke

Into the air

But then that big old chimney

blew out his career

Willie turned to thieving

And stole though still believing

That he must survive

To keep on tryin' to follow the Lord's ear

Oh Willie Watts was put upon

A ship bound for Australia

He became Willie the Wizard of Oz

But that yellow bring road

Held many a twist and turn 

Leaving Halvis Grove /Hovis loaves

 Leaving Halvis Grove

Crossed the river Mersey

On the M56 road

Waved goodbye to Altrincham

So long Ryebank road

Onwards I go to Wilmslow

Following where the river flows

Down past Hoo Green

 Lifted my leg in Peover

At Knutsford I burst a tyre

Repaired it at Congleton

Where I danced the conga with a charleton

And at Newchapel sang in a choir 

Said all I had to say in Talke Talke pits

Ended up on the Keele road

Near the world of Wedgwood

It was a long way from there

But I finally made it home

Getting stuck in traffic queues beside the Avon

Leaving Halvis Grove

The house of warmth and love

Where a woman knows

And a man ungrows

In the garden

All they've been thinking of

Leaving Halvis Grove

It's another home from home

Where I can find my daily bread

Like in Hovis Loaves

Like in oaken groves

Down cattle droves

Where rows and rows

Of the apple tree grows

And bulls and bullocks frolicked in meadows

Long, long ago

Across the river Mersey