The moorhen shuffle

 You kick your leg to the left

You kick your foot to the right

You get your feathers in a ruffle

You do the moorhen shuffle

Round and round and round the pond you go

Where you gonna stop nobody knows

If you meet a dog you do the quick step

If you meet a sea gull on the hop

You do a kick back

You kick back and forward

And forward and back

You wave your wings

Like you're in a flap

You kick your leg to the left

You kick your foot to the right

You get your feathers in a ruffle

You do the moorhen shuffle

Where's my Auntie gone?

 Oh she causes me such agony

I really think she's a plant

Yes I think her name's Antigone

She's my Agony Aunt

Oh I told her I found a dead body

Along the road one day

I said to her :Should this body be buried the right way?

And what did she say?

She said he's my brother, bury him in the clay

But the King said, no go have a nice day

Oh she's my Agony Aunt

So I lifted my uncle and laid him the clay

But the King got angry and

Got in my way he said

Where's Antigone gone?

I said she's gone to make Hay

Oh She was in Agony all of the way

She's my Agony Aunt

I think that she's a plant

She likes to meditate

Perhaps she is a vegetable

Because she vegetates

But if I'm right or if I'm wrong

It doesn't matter at the end of the day

Because I tell her my problems

And she gives me her slant

She's my Agony Aunt

My Enchanted lady

 Oh my Enchanted lady

You're so green in your forest scene

Running through the glades so shady

With leaves falling of Autumn's skein

Oh my enchanted lady,

But watch out for that branch

Crash, crunch it's too late, it was so hazy

In the fog, you missed the ranch

Come on inside my Enchanted Lady

Grandmother's not home, but I'm your aunt

Yes I know I look rather too hairy

But that's just my facial hair it grows like a plant

Come a little closer my Enchanted Lady

Come a little closer I don't bite

Oh but what's that in your hand, are you crazy?

Don't you know this bed's highly flammable, and you bring a light

Oh my god my Enchanted lady

I can't believe you've set my bed a light

And now I'm burning alive I thought you were my little daisy

But it turns out you're an avenging Angel of the night

What have you got against wolves anyway, my Enchanted lady

Don't you know we're an endangered species, down to five?

Couldn't you just have shown me the door, is that so lazy?

You had to go and burn me in your Grandma's bed alive!

Fire at Barrow-in-Furness

Police say there's no new clear risk to the public

or nuclear risk?

Due North

 (C) Oh my Captain, my (G) soul

(F) Take my ship where you want it to (G) go

(C)It's under your  (F) control

Now

(Bb)But the compass shows we've gone off course

(F)For we should be heading

 (C)due North

(C) North where the polar bears are swearing blue murder

(F) North where the soldiers aren't respecting the border

(C) North in the arctic circle, 

(Bb) and the straits of miracle 

(F)Oh North, 

(C) heading due North

 (c) It's getting colder, but my soul is getting (G) warmer

(F) Sun's getting lower, darkness (G)over my shoulder

(C) I was born in the south like a (G) swallow

(F) But I feel now it's my soul (G) I must follow

(Bb)On it's true course

(F)That's why I'm heading

(C)Due North

(F)And if you catch me 

(C)then I should be easy to spot

(F)My legs are running free

(C)And my temperature is hot

(Bb) like a coal

(F)And though it is freezing

(C)Just know that I am not

(Bb)For I am following the  (G)force

(F)I am heading 

(C)due North

(C) We are rolling

(F)On the wild free ocean

(C) And I am letting go

(F)Of all my sad emotion

(C)Now it's free

(F)There's only one place I want to be

(Bb) On earth

(F)That is heading 

(c) Due North

Mermaid Halloween or a dark tale

 I met a mermaid, a slipper a slapper

I met a mermaid, a flipper a flapper, a mermaid

Oh we walked along the Bristol docks

For she wished me to buy her a frock

A slipper, a slapper, a mermaid 

But she could not walk so I pushed her in a barrow

Along the cobbled streets and the lanes quite narrow

A flipper, a flapper mermaid

But when I told her I had no money

A slipper, a slapper, a flipper, a flapper

She hit me with her tail and she looked at me funny

A slipper, a slapper, a mermaid

Well I said I told you I was but a sailor

Then she told me what she needed was really a tailor

a slipper, a slapper a mermaid

So I took her to the fishmonger

a flipper, a flapper a mermaid

And I said to him, I'd like her topped and tailed

A slipper a slapper, a mermaid

So he chopped off her tail and gave me £60 for the sale

A flipper, a flapper a mermaid

And I thought that was the end of my fish-bride-tale 

A slipper, a slapper a mermaid

But her fishtail grew a head like the whale 

a flipper a flapper a mermaid

And I think the fishmonger made a good sale

A slipper a slapper, a mermaid

But her top half I put back in the barrow

A flipper a flapper a mermaid

And the fishmonger did make her a wrapper

A slipper a slapper, a mermaid

He said: the price of fish is a terrible thing

It can make a haddock hack, and a mackerel sing

If you love a mermaid Jack, then make her a ring

And marry head and tail, that's price of a fish market sale

He said: the price of fish is a thing to abide

It goes up in bad weather and down like the tide

And if you're a sailor then neither a tailor be

What's the price of fish worth when there's plenty

more in the sea?

Back home on the sofa, my mermaid and me

We tried to get closer, but she was pale as can be

So I went to the kitchen to brew her a cup of tea

A flipper, a flapper, a mermaid

When I came back in, two new legs she had sprouted

And I looked at them fondly , but then she sad doubted

That she could ever walk again, so I said then let's just try

And she walked and did the splits and kicked up high to the sky

Oh a flipper a flapper, my new mermaid bride

Was the full ticket now as we walked the dock side

And I brought her to the boutique where a new frock she tried

Oh a slipper and a slapper, she looked so good I could've cried

Oh a flipper and flapper, my girl walked a clip clapper

Oh a slipper and a slapper she could dance a toe tapper

And we walked around the fish market, and I never thought

Of the sale

But I think that she remembered because she looked a bit pale

So if you ever love one side of a mermaid, but you don't love the other

Don't confuse Mary Magdalene with the fairy Godmother

You can just accept her, or you can chop her in two for a laugh

But when you refer to her later, you better call her your better half

Metacarpal

 I met a carp all about the pool

Swimming 

In a pool the other day

I met a day all awash with rain

He said you fool why have you come

Without your fish scales

I said I tuned out but

Last I heard you were

A bridged whales

A bridge to Wales so

You say, ah but hearsay gossip

Don't listen to the neigh Sayers

Only the horse's mouth and lips