The jig

 What's yours is mine,

What's mine is his

Here's a brolly

There's a brolly

Here's a bonnie dancer

Here's a pig, there's a jig

And here's a bonnie answer

What's yours is mine,

What's mine is his

Here's a bonnie answer

Here's a boa constrictor

Swallowed a brolly

Swallowed an accordion

Playing as he hisses

Here's a brolly, there's a brolly

Here's a bonnie answer

What the boa constrictor did

Was swallow a pig who danced a jig

There's a bellow blowing answer

What's yours is mine

What's mine is his

What's his soon will be a dancer

Cold winds of March

 Cold winds in March, you know how I feel

Cold winds in March, nothing seems real

Leaves on the trees all blown away

Catkins are growing but there are no buds of May

Snow drops on the ground yes they are real

But the branches I found, their bark does peel

All winter I know, feels like snow

Cold winds in March continue to blow

Dead leaves on the ground, this is all I've found

Cold winds in March blow all around,

Lean on the arch, look into the garden

See how your garden grows

Frost flowers harden, leaves covered in snow

Where did our love, where did our love go?

Lost in the Marsh, where the cold winds blow

The cold winds of March that we all know

Cold winds of March are filling the tower

Where the seamstress sits sews hour onto hour

Losing the thread, somehow she still sews

Those cold winds of March that we must all know

Animal farm

 What if the Russians controlled Divina McColl?

I don't give a monkeys

I've got a ladder in my giraffe

There's a snake down my trousers

And ants in my pants

I'm an eager beaver

I've got a dolphin's glance

I'm missing my penguin

I need an eagle's eye

There are eleven elephants who've forgotten how to die

And a parrot named dignity

Who can't stop talking lies

Penguin Spotting in Budapest

 We are the Penguins

Flipper flop waddle down Bodza street

Like a family of ducks

On a jaunt

That chatter and quacker away

and question like Penguins

Then look into the sky

And watch the planes fly by

Then fall over backwards

As they track them with their eyes

Carrier Freight to Mozambique

Government cargo

Those flightless birds wish to break the embargo

Unfasten their clipped wings

And soar outdoors

And up, up and away from their Balcony

Where Juliet sits lazy

And Romeo in his hovel stews

And brews another tea

Biding his time

Realizing it is far too late

And he is too beyond the garden gate

To p-p-p pick up a penguin now

A nurse's advice

 You know a nurse's advice can ruin a life

They can tell you just how to behave

How to live and how to die

Like the livid blue sky

And in the end they'll lay you in your grave

They will tell you to wear shoes then say

Shuck them off

They will tell you sleep on a hard floor

Next they tell you soft

They will say get into a routine

And next why not shake it up?

Yes a nurse's advice, is like walking on ice

Don't do it unless you're a duck

Well I tried to go to the zoo the other day

Just to see the penguins play play play

But she told me put on sun screen

Or you'll burn your nose

Next minute she was telling me to take

Off all me clothes

Well to nurse's advice you must listen twice

Read between the lines of what they say

For if you want a good life

Then take my advice, when you see a nurse coming

Run the other way!

Rule the British Empire

 Britain Victorious?

All other countries ignore us

We wouldn't know how to rule the world

Or the difference between a penguin and a walrus

God save our has-been

It is a bit thin and mean

Since the last time was seen

And rumble rumble, there goes our motor cars

They work like some worn out stars

Still bringing home the bacon

After the horse has long bolted

Britain never never shall make waves

I think we are particles, but some say its not a quantum world

And a little change here will cause a whirlwind in Japan

Certainly our fashion sucks and have you tried our food? Good Luck!

What we really are good at is producing criminals and we like to fuck

But that is about all

Murder is number one leisure / free time activity

Followed by a cup of tea, then down the Bingo Hall

If you want Variety we have a bunch on our TV

Some of the worst acts in history

And don't mention the state of schools

The thing we do best of all,

Is fail heroically

It is in our DNA to laugh at ourselves

It doesn't really matter who is getting mugged

For their handbag, as long as football thugs are glad

Then the country will succeed

Of course we need a super model, like Jordan with the giant jugs

Or to watch Big brother and see others giving huge hugs

From the safety of our setees

So Britain never, never shall make waves

We might become China's slaves

And be run by Algorithms

But the Royal Family shall be saved

In the form of auto eroticism

And android sheep now roam our hills

Jerusalem was penned upon the back of dollar bills

And who can shake the hand of John Stuart Mills

But Sheik Ali and his company whom we sell our arms

and our grandmother's charms in exchange for crude oil

Talking cold turkey

 Hi Bev

Hi Chris

You look like Scott

all wrapped up

I may be sometime

Oates, you mean Oates

Oates said I'm off to get some porridge

Scott

was racing Ombudsmen the Norwegian

Amundsen

Yes the two reasons why that failed

were food and clothing

It must have been difficult to get there

and realize you've been beaten to it 

They ate their dogs, Amundsen

Hot dogs

Originally

Scott's team had to make do

With poor clothing

And their machines broke down

There was an Australian who went up Everest

Before Hilary

A sheep farmer

He invented the down coat

Up down

No Eider

I'd ha what?

I'd ha thought it would be

He advised Hilary who was a New Zealander

So they got on both from down under

And they had Tensing

Ten cent?

Genetically designed to work at high altitudes

I wish I were